agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend, "Dia," has been told by her in-laws that she should buy a brand-new car, as she and their son just got married. They believe a new car is fitting for their new life together and have been insisting on it. However, Dia feels that a secondhand car is more realistic, especially since her husband just started a new job. She's trying to manage their finances responsibly, but her in-laws continue to pressure her. They seem to think that buying a new car will reflect well on the family, and they're not considering the financial strain it could cause. Dia is feeling torn, caught between respecting her in-laws' wishes and staying true to her own budget. She's worried that saying no might strain her relationship with them. Should she stand by her decision, or is it better to try to please them? -- In-Law Expectations

DEAR IN-LAW EXPECTATIONS: This is what I would say to Dia: What's most important is for you and your husband to be on the same page. Take a good look at your family budget. How much money are you two earning? What expenses do you have? What financial goals are on the horizon? What can you afford to spend on a car? Base your decision on all of these factors. Do not let your in-laws persuade you to overextend yourselves financially to keep up appearances.

If they persist, invite them to purchase a car for you as a belated wedding present. Otherwise, do your best to ignore their entreaties and build your life with your husband based on your plans, not their projections.

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1. Unless the inlaws intend to purchase this new car, they should not have brought it up to their son at all. Under no circumstances should they have brought it up to their DIL.

1a. And the appropriate number of times to mention the offer of a new car to their son was once. Not twice, and certainly not over and over again.

2. Relatedly, the appropriate person to ask a columnist for advice is Dia and her husband - not LW, whose job as a friend is to say "Yeah, your inlaws are unreasonable" and to support her friend.

3. If the inlaws are pressuring their son and DIL this much then the two of them need to set some hard boundaries. They don't need to look at their budget, they need to tell the inlaws to butt out and to limit contact until and unless they do so.

There is an item I really truly am convinced someone in my life needs to acquire ASAP. Therefore, I will be bankrolling this item. That seems only fair.

(A new passport, due to sad political realities of my country)

How many strings will be attached if the in-laws have to bail them out when they're financially overextended? Dia, your marriage is not your in-laws' status symbol.

Bless you for doing so. I don't believe anyone close to me is in similar straits, but I would happily beggar myself to help if they were.

blush I mean, I love this person, so it's not hard.