Well, half this advice doesn't suck

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I'm the mom of an 18-year-old daughter, "Leia." We have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with our children, and we have what I think is a strong, positive familial bond.

My best friend recently informed me that Leia has an Instagram account that's publicly accessible. I can't find her account when I search, which means she has me blocked. The account was created three years ago when she was a minor. I'm not happy with this. When asked back then, Leia told us repeatedly she didn't have an Instagram account -- but I always suspected she did, as most young people her age are engaged in social media.

I would like Leia to unblock me so I can see her beautiful pictures. I'm not a harsh critic or negative person, though Leia often interprets my comments that way. I think she has blocked me because she considers any observations or comments I might make to be parental surveillance. I've told her, repeatedly, that I'm not trying to keep tabs on her.

We have always given our kids what we think is a high level of personal freedom. I just want to see the beautiful images she posts. How do I gently bring this up to her, and ask her to allow me to see her account? -- BLOCKED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BLOCKED: I don't advise you to ask your now-adult daughter to unblock you from her social media. You stated that Leia often interprets your comments and observations as critical and invasive, which may be the reason she blocked you in the first place. Because you long to see her "beautiful pictures," ask your good friend to show them to you on her computer or her cellphone. That way your curiosity will be assuaged, and Leia won't feel invaded.

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Comments

[conuly]

LW needs to get a hobby, and also maybe get some fucking therapy for her habit of criticizing her daughter harshly, because if we have to choose between LW's self-reporting that she's not a harsh critic and Leia's view that she is I'm on Team Leia.

I've told her, repeatedly, that I'm not trying to keep tabs on her.

You know how many times we've had to tell the kids that we're not trying to keep tabs on them? Exactly zero times! Because we're not keeping tabs on them and we're not harassing them all over the place about their social media!

[matsushima]

Even if Mom's not a harsh critic (but I'm on Team Leia, too) it's completely normal for a then- 15-year-old/now- adult to have some social media separate from their parents? My mom knew about my (locked) LJ but absolutely did not ever ask to friend it because she wasn't keeping tabs on me!

[conuly]

I mean, I'm pretty sympathetic to "I want to be able to have access just in case it's necessary for mental health reasons" (provided the parents do not abuse that access) but LW strikes me as somebody who would never be able to keep her mouth shut and withhold all that criticism and commentary.

[ashbet]

Mmm-hmmm.

I know that my daughter has a Tumblr that she has chosen not to share with me, and I’m not going to press about it, because she’s an adult and it’s her business.

(We have a bunch of shared fandoms, so I was interested for that reason, but she deserves private space, and that outweighs my nosiness/curiosity.)

[ashbet]

Also, why the heck did the columnist suggest that the letter writer violate her daughter’s privacy by using her friend’s devices to look at her account??

[conuly]

Right!?

Not that LW will be able to look and then shut up about it.

[minoanmiss]

Yes this!

[minoanmiss]

The closest I get to this is my niblings' Tumblrs, which I deliberately don't follow. They haven't blocked me, which I appreciate, and we message each other, but I want them to have their own spaces.

[lokifan]

Right?!

[mrissa]

RIGHT??? "I'm not trying to surveil you but if you don't voluntarily give me access I'll use third parties to get there" sure is not the message she thinks it is.

[summerstorm]

Here's another idea: why doesn't LW ask her daughter to share some of the photos she posts to IG with her? Maybe there are some she wouldn't mind her mom seeing, esp outside the context of her IG. Mom doesn't need access to the entire account to see her daughter's "beautiful photos." Plus, then daughter can choose whether what she shows is actually from her IG or something else she happens to have on her phone.

Of course, if Leia feels that her mom is a harsh critic, it's very likely that this won't work either. As someone who never did... a lot of things where their father could see because he always made me feel like shit about everything I ever tried to do, I have to be Team Leia here.

[summerstorm]

My sister won't even give me her Discord handle so I have a way to contact her during the day, which is a whole different issue, but also I've never pressed for her social media because that's her business, not mine.

[ethelmay]

If the account is actually public, LW could just log out of Instagram and go look, no? Or is Instagram too locked down to see much anyway?

Tangential anecdote: I remember my daughter, then I think in college, asking if I had seen something she'd posted on FB, and after a couple of puzzled go-rounds we figured out that she'd blocked me years before and had forgotten about it. We both laughed and she unblocked.

[magid]

I think I totally misread this: I took it as "good friend" = the daughter that LW is making a big deal about how good their relationship is. And that asking to see some photos from her own device, not through her social media account, would be a reasonable thing

[ashbet]

Since the LW’s best friend isn’t blocked, the columnist was saying to use her devices to look at the IG account, which is a real violation, in my opinion.

[magid]

Yes, using someone else's account is definitely not the way to go.

[azurelunatic]

Dear LW,

Go fuck yourself.