agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Captain Awkward,

Several months ago, I (he/him) fell into an affair with Ethan, a much younger coworker who seemed like a breath of fresh air in my life. From the moment we began talking, I was captivated by his intelligence, energy and charm. He was adventurous, spontaneous, and made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t experienced in years. I believed we shared a deep, soulful connection—a bond that transcended age and circumstance. Every moment we spent together felt like magic. After months of buildup, we consummated our relationship, and it was so intense and cathartic it was like fireworks went off. I quietly began planning to leave my husband and begin a life with Ethan.

But I was wrong. I was so lost in my fantasy of what could be that I missed all the warning signs that Ethan is a grifter sociopath. Recently, Ethan’s personality changed as though a light switch went off. When I confronted him about why he’d suddenly turned cold, he revealed his true intentions, blackmailing me and threatening to expose our affair unless I paid him off. The betrayal cuts so deeply; our connection felt so genuine to me, and I’m flabbergasted as to how could someone who feigned such affection turn out to be so cruel and calculating. I feel utterly humiliated and shattered. I let myself believe that what we had was real, that he truly understood me, when in reality, I was merely a means to an end.

Now, I’m terrified of losing my husband, Tom, whom I love more than anything. The thought of him finding out the truth is suffocating. I feel a profound sense of shame—not just for my betrayal, but for allowing myself to be so vulnerable. The pain of knowing that my heart was toyed with is unbearable. Even now, I grapple with lingering feelings for Ethan. I’m ashamed and confused by the fact that a part of me still loves Ethan in spite of the fact that our bond was never “real.” I feel like such an idiot now that I realize I’ve romanticized a relationship that never even existed in the first place. Ethan was probably laughing in his mind every time I told him I loved him when we were together. Ugh.

I’m torn apart by guilt and fear. I can’t stand the idea of confessing everything to Tom. It would completely destroy our lives; we’re kinda known in our friend group as “the stable couple” that never have marital issues. I didn’t even realize how important that label was to me until now that I know that it’s gone. Which brings me to another problem… I feel “icky” that I’m pretending that label is intact and we’re the perfect couple when I know it’s not true. And I absolutely hate that Tom has done nothing to deserve any of this.

Is there any way to salvage my marriage and shield Tom from the truth while confronting the fallout from Ethan?

Beloved, you didn’t “fall” into an affair with your much-younger coworker, you dove. You are displacing your “icky” feelings onto how other people perceive your marriage like that’s somehow more important than the lived reality of the people inside a marriage you were planning to leave. I have no doubt that you were manipulated, but until you stop talking about your own life like you’re a passenger in it, you’re probably gonna stay down a while.

Is there any way to salvage my marriage and shield Tom from the truth while confronting the fallout from Ethan?

No. The only way to neutralize a blackmailer is to reveal the secret on your own terms and deal with the consequences. As long as you’re fighting to maintain your lie to Tom, Ethan will have power over you. As long as you work at the same job, Ethan will most likely have power over you. Paying Ethan off won’t get rid of the problem. He’ll just come back when he wants more money, more sex, or whatever power trip he’s after this week. Blackmail is a serious crime in most places, but reporting it requires disclosing the motive to authorities. And the only way to restore integrity to your marriage is to tell the whole truth and let Tom make informed choices.

At minimum, you need a new job and an honest conversation with your husband. I suggest you hold onto any blackmail money so you can hire yourself a therapist and an attorney, not necessarily in that order.

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Allow me to express my feelings about LW with a Taylor Swift cover.

LW, you cannot shield other people from the truth, you can only tell it, and hopefully without all the little elaborations that put the blame everywhere but yourself.

The problem is not that Ethan is a grifter and a sociopath, the problem is that you should never have schtupped him while still in a presumably monogamous marriage to somebody else! The problem is not that he's blackmailing you, the problem is that you're letting him blackmail you. The problem is not that you might lose Tom, whom you love so much you decided to boink your brains away with somebody else, the problem is that your marriage is over and you're too chickenshit to admit it.

But the good news is that telling the truth is like pulling a rotten tooth or lancing a boil - you hate to do it, but once it's over you immediately feel so much better.

I’m flabbergasted as to how could someone who feigned such affection turn out to be so cruel and calculating

Honey, you have no idea how easily that can happen.

For example, I was just reading a thing about a dude who claims to be deeply in love with his husband, but was actually coldly planning to run away with his affair partner until he realized that the affair partner didn't love him quite as much as he'd thought.

Oh LW honey.

I am more sympathetic than I should be to the ways in which we humans are often not rational and driven by deep level urges rather than top level thought. That said, you made your bed, you must deal with it.

For Tom's sake, for your conscience's sake, and for your wallet's sake, you need to tell him. Right now. Then go stay someplace else if you need to. Then get another job ASAP. Then leave the current one. Resist saying anything to Ethan (I know how hard this is, I just failed at "don't say anything to this person' recently, but ANYTHING you give Ethan is more ammo he has against you).

Good luck. I wish I could give you a bracing cup of tea and I hope you can turn your life around with the one chance you have.

You're a lot nicer than I am to this dude!

it's the "I quietly began planning to leave my husband" vs "Now, I’m terrified of losing my husband, Tom, whom I love more than anything." that has me like?? bestie, the math isn't mathing here. 🤨 how come it's okay for Tom to lose you but not the other way around?

It's because now he doesn't have options. Well, maybe Tom would like to have options too.

snerk icon used apurpose.

I know, and it is not a positive on my behalf. It would probably be more ethical of me to be more lawful. I just feel very sympathetic today to the hormonal undertows of many human behaviors (sympathetic is NOT the same as forgiving).

Yuuuuuuuuup!! This guy belongs in the trash

man, I feel like I'm being really mean but I hope Tom did get his options and went the divorce route. while I do hope LW isn't being blackmailed anymore and is living in peace, I think he should unpack his issues and live in peace single.

it's the "I quietly began planning to leave my husband" vs "Now, I’m terrified of losing my husband, Tom, whom I love more than anything." that has me like??

Right? It makes me wonder how much we can trust what LW is telling us about Ethan's actions. LW might not be the most reliable of narrators…

There's nothing unethical in the advice you're offering the LW, even if your thinking is more "poor foolish LW" and less "really, LW, you should have known better."

This is also something that could become an HR issue, especially with a possible power gap. LW should review whether it would be safe to go to HR and confess to having been in, and ended, an extramarital and cheating relationship with Ethan (and why!!!), in case Ethan decides to expand his blackmail efforts to the workplace.

I've come to believe over the years that the person who talks about a situation first is often the one who determines how the situation looks. LW desperately needs to get ahead of whatever narrative Ethan is going to start spreading once he realizes that LW isn't going to be the cash cow he wants him to be.

Oh, yeah, definitely. If Ethan is really determined, he could do massive damage all over the place, at this job and the next after that.

the person who talks about a situation first is often the one who determines how the situation looks

Yes! I’m glad CA didn’t sugar coat that LW ABSOLUTELY needs to tell his husband first. Excellent point that HR might be a good stop, too.

Yeah. Starting with "I fucked up, I betrayed you," and, if applicable, "I put both of us at risk for [whatever list of diseases are circulating in the community that wouldn't be stopped by the form(s) of protection he was using]", and "and there is no excuse." Then, a straightforward summary of the events, like "I met Ethan at work, I became infatuated with him," name whoever made the first move, especially if it was LW, "I started cheating on you with him [general time range, specific date may be too derailing], and now he is threatening me with blackmail. I thought you needed to hear it from me. I'm sorry. I can stay [elsewhere] tonight if you need the space; I can stay and answer whatever questions you have and go there when you're done talking to me for now."

And block Ethan everywhere ASAP, particularly on LinkedIn, before the job search.

HR has to be the second stop if he's telling them, because he needs to be able to say "I already told my husband what is going on and we are seeing where this leaves our relationship" because

a) HR's going to want to know that LW is no longer vulnerable to the obvious angles for blackmail from Ethan, and
b) If HR were me and LW had told me before he'd told his husband, I'd have serious questions about his judgment in crisis management, in addition to the questions I now have about his interpersonal judgment.

I absolutely despise the "I fell into an affair" framing, like LW tripped and his dick fell into Ethan's mouth. No. LW made a choice. Everyone who cheats makes a choice. I might be more or less sympathetic to that choice given the circumstances, but it is a choice and not like sex just unavoidably falls out of the sky and into one's lap.

yeah. while I can believe Ethan probably is blackmailing him, the way LW words things makes him come off rather self-centered like:

I can’t stand the idea of confessing everything to Tom. It would completely destroy our lives; we’re kinda known in our friend group as “the stable couple” that never have marital issues. I didn’t even realize how important that label was to me until now that I know that it’s gone.

he didn't seem all that concerned that leaving his husband for a younger man would ruin their lives and that label anyway so. to me, the letter reads more like a cry for validation that he isn't in the wrong as opposed to a seeking of advice/solutions.

throw the whole man away, Tom!!

Feeling sympathy isn’t a weakness or an ethical error. Acting on it sometimes is, is all.

Yup... And the more he thinks of it as something that just happened, the less he'll be able to protect himself from the next Ethan. A mindset of "I'm not one of those 'cheater' people, it just happened, nothing I could do" is self-defeating.

Right, it's completely believable to me that Ethan is now blackmailing him but I'm skeptical of the way LW recounts the whole affair as Ethan's nefarious plot to blackmail him. Ethan is probably hurt and angry that LW dumped him. Blackmail, obviously, is not the solution to Ethan's problems but I doubt he started dating LW just to ruin LW's life - unless LW is a tech billionaire or something?

I think feeling sympathy can help us be more ethical in our own lives. If you can look at someone who made a (series of) bad choice(s) and understand how they got there, instead of saying, "ope, couldn't be me," you've got a better chance of recognizing how people end up in those situations and not "falling into" them yourself. I bet LW really feels like the affair is/was something that "just happened" to him because he thought of himself as someone who would never, you know?

I don't wanna speculate too much because I don't know all the details and I think there are people nasty enough to just do that sort of thing to others, but maybe LW is like a manager or someone of higher rank than Ethan at work. either way, a mess, and I hope LW unpacks all he needs to learn and unlearn.

*nods nods*

Yeah, I really want to know what Ask a Manager would have to say to this one! Absolutely tell the husband first and take your licks, and start job-hunting because regardless of what goes down at work it's going to be uncomfortable. But I feel like HR would want to know about an employee who is blackmailing coworkers over sexual conduct, regardless of what it was.

It's not that unusual for someone who's in a relationship to do something to totally fuck up the relationship and only realize afterward that they really do value it above anything. And if the picture of Ethan is at all accurate, they were likely skillfully manipulating LW into making choices he never would have made on his own, or if given a chance to think it through without being love-bombed, or even with an honest affair partner. He would have been carefully steered away from ever thinking about their friends or their reputation or his feelings for Tom the entire time he was with Ethan, and now it's come crashing down.

LW is definitely still deluding himself in some ways, he was definitely much more at fault than he's willing to admit, so it's possible Ethan really wasn't as much of a driver of the whole thing as he's making it out to be, but I don't think what LW is expressing in the letter is necessarily inauthentic.

Well said, I completely agree. Although I don’t tend to be an “I would never” person myself. More of a “there but for a fortuitous combination of genetics and upbringing that was none of my doing” person.

LW should see a lawyer. They may live somewhere blackmail is a crime, in which case since what they themselves have done is not illegal, then legal action is an option. Practically speaking, they almost certainly need to tell their husband as well, and to acknowledge to him and to themselves their own responsibility for this whole sorry mess, but they are not without zero recourse against a blackmailer.

oh yeah, I understand that, and I do believe LW believes what he's writing.

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