Love Quadrangle

[bikergeek]

https://slate.com/advice/2024/06/dating-couple-poly-relationship-chores-dear-prudence-advice.html

Dear Prudence,

Last year, I became involved in my first poly relationship with a couple, Frank and Linda. To be honest, my attraction was mostly to Frank, but I decided to give this relationship a chance even though Linda was always a bit more distant with me. We settled into a routine. Frank and Linda have a daughter, Marcie, and because of my schedule, I’ve been able to pick up Marcie from school and help around the house a bit. I felt like we were a family. Recently, Frank and Linda brought someone else, Chelsea, into the relationship. As a result, I’ve been sidelined.

I still pick up Marcie from school and help around the house, but otherwise, Frank and Linda spend very little time with me. I feel both of them, most of all Linda, are more attracted to Chelsea and like her better. I resent Chelsea a lot. When I brought this up, they accused me of being “needy” and “close-minded.” I feel betrayed, but this is my first poly relationship and I worry that maybe they are right that I’m looking at this the wrong way. I don’t want to be a “clingy” girlfriend. On the other hand, if all I’m doing is vacuuming and running errands for Frank and Linda, I don’t think that’s a real relationship. I don’t even know how to discuss this with them again as the one time I did they blew me off.

—Trapped In a Love Square

Dear Trapped In a Love Square,

I suspect that the effort you put into making your first poly relationship work may have distracted you from some of the basic ideas that should apply to all relationships, regardless of how many people they involve. For example: You want to feel like your partner(s) are attracted to you. You do not want to feel like your role is to be the housekeeper. Being called “close-minded” and “needy” for asking about spending more time with your partner(s) is a red flag, as is being blown off when you bring up relationship concerns.

I can see how, in a situation in which collaboration and communication between all parties are needed to make things work, and where you’re expected to have a more mature relationship to jealousy than you would in a monogamous relationship, you might have become so focused on being the right kind of poly partner that you lost track of these items from the Relationships 101 syllabus. But a return to basics makes it clear that you’re missing just about all the qualities that make a partnership worth being part of.

So yes, you should walk away from this situation. This doesn’t require you to convince anyone of anything—you don’t need buy-in or approval from partners who are treating you poorly to decide that things aren’t working for you anymore. And I hate to say it, but I doubt Frank, Linda, or Chelsea will put up a fight, as it seems their attention is elsewhere.

Before you get back on the dating scene, it would good idea to find a platonic poly friend or mentor who can serve as a sounding board regarding the line between reasonable needs and neediness, and make sure you aren’t trying so hard to be a good partner to multiple people that you settle for something that’s worse than being on your own.

Comments

[movingfinger]

LW should be prepared for some attempted clawback from Frank and Linda, because they've got a sweet deal with the free au pair-housekeeper services. "What about Marcie? She looooves you!" texts/conversations are on the horizon.

[cereta]

I've never been in a poly relationship, but it seems to me that (a) things like bringing new people in need to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship (specifically what kind of agreement on the part of various parties) is required to bring someone new in, if any, and (b) Frank and Linda did not so much bring Chelsea into their relationship with LW as they did form a new relationship with her, which brings us back to (a). But overall, I agree with Prudie that it's probably best to walk away.

[lokifan]

Google "unicorn hunters", OP. And good luck.

[bikergeek]

As a bi poly male I have sometimes wryly referred to myself as a unicorn.

[ioplokon]

LW has a good reason to end this relationship but, fwiw, you don't need a good reason (or any at all) to leave.

Also, on the poly side of things... It can be fine & lots of fun, but I do think if you're coming into a relationship with an established couple, a common complication is that they play the numbers game to Win any kinds of arguments & to sometimes normalize stuff you would be more resistant to if things weren't 2-on-1.

[watersword]

Relationship broken, remove one person (self).

[lokifan]

Heh :D Stab any hunters with your horn!

[bikergeek]

I usually just gas them with unicorn farts. (minoanmiss can tell you....)

[julian]

Pity, because I expect Marcie could use some support, but I mean. This relationship isn't doing bupkis for you, LW, and Frank and Linda are the Mean Girls of Poly Relationships.

[purlewe]

This

[ashbet]

While I think that Frank and Lisa are definitely being jerks here, I’m going to push back gently against the idea that “introduc[ing] a third to their relationship and chose to introduce that person to their daughter” is somehow causing her harm.

I am of the opinion that it’s not a great idea to have a “revolving door” of short-term partners in any case when you have kids (regardless of the relationship status of the parents), and that it’s important not to introduce and remove parental figures, particularly repeatedly.

With that said, would you consider it to be harmful if the parents were split up, and LW had been introduced as a new girlfriend?

(Relevant: I am the third co-parent to my partners’ kid, have been in his life since before birth, and it has been an honor and a privilege to be in that position. He’s 16 now.)

[minoanmiss]

Frank and Lisa should've considered the potential harm to their daughter when they introduced a third to their relationship and chose to introduce that person to their daughter.

Like Ashbet, I don't think this is the harmful part of what Frank and Lisa have done here.

[minoanmiss]

Oh well said.

[minoanmiss]

LW, Frank and Lisa have turned your love for them into a weapon against you and are using it to extract free labor from you. This is a thing people do in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones, and/but a poly relationship does not make this kind of bad behavior any more acceptable.

*sends LW a hug from afar*

[matsushima]

Sorry, I didn't word that well - I dashed it off between meetings, that's my bad. I meant, Lisa and Frank will probably try to guilt trip LW by saying things like "but Marcie loves you so much!" but, as Marcie's parents, handling that is their responsibility - introducing a new partner isn't the problem and neither is breaking up with someone when the relationship isn't working out.

[matsushima]

I replied to minoanmiss below (x) but I felt like I owed you an apology as well. I worded it poorly - introducing a partner or ending a relationship isn't harm and neither is ending a relationship if it's not working. I meant to say something more like, "Lisa and Frank shouldn't try to use their daughter to guilt trip LW about Marcie (and maybe should have a plan for how to gracefully exit LW/other potential future partners from Marcie's life if that/those relationship/s don't work out?)."

[matsushima]

I deleted the comment I'd originally left here because I worded it very poorly and didn't say at all what I was trying to express about Lisa and Frank's responsibilities to Marcie and to LW and other future potential partners.

[movingfinger]

Exactly. Marcie's viewpoint is going to be something like, this lady was picking her up from school and doing housework for a while and now she isn't. Or will be about like that, unless Lisa and Frank decide to make it weird.

We don't know how good at parenting-communicating Lisa and Frank are, but they don't seem great at poly-relationship-communicating, so let's hope this is their first time pulling this and they will learn from it!

[minoanmiss]

Oh I see what you mean now. Thank you. :)

[ashbet]

Thank you for your response, this is a much more nuanced take on it!

And I agree, the parents need to take full responsibility for Marcie’s emotional needs, handle the transition well, and not put their child in a situation where they are repeatedly getting attached to and losing family caregivers.

[azurelunatic]

Exactly.