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Unsolicited parenting advice: Just Say No
1. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter-in-law’s parents got a sandbox for our mutual grandkids to play in this summer. I would never let our kids have one because I know how dangerous they can be. Critters get into them and if the sand gets wet it can get moldy. I remember one of my neighbors growing up got ringworm for the one they had.
My son tells me they keep the thing covered overnight and whenever the kids aren’t in it and they rake it out before each time the kids get into it, but I think it’s just asking for trouble.
I know my son and his wife are good parents, but why would such good parents let their kids play in such a germ factory? --- NOT SAFE IN THE SAND
DEAR NOT SAFE IN THE SAND: While I can see your point, it seems from what you said that your son and daughter-in-law are taking reasonable precautions that will hopefully lead to keeping the sand in the box relatively clean and safe for your grandchildren.
If you come across any further safety tips beyond what is already being routinely done, you might want to share them with your son and his wife. Beyond that, you’ve offered your well-meant opinion; now it’s up to them to do what feel is right.
Link 1
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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Unlike his parents, my husband and I waited until after we were married for a few years to have children. So when our son was born in April I was 10 years older than my mother-in-law was when she had her first baby.
All throughout my pregnancy, my mother-in-law was full of advice for me on what’s best for me and the baby, and from the minute our son arrived, she has been telling me what I should do for her grandson and exactly how it should be done.
She is practically obsessed with some things being done like they were 35 years ago when my husband was born. She has her way of swaddling, bathing, feeding, dressing, and everything else you can do for a baby. And at least half of it is different from how I am doing it, based on what I’ve learned and continue to learn as I go along. She says I rely too much on what I find online, and should check everything I’m doing with our pediatrician before I do some harm to my own baby.
I appreciate her wanting to help, but her help is causing me more stress than if I didn’t have her “help” the two days a week she’s over at our house.
I know that my mother-in-law means well, and honestly we can use some help, but I would prefer it to not include constantly being told how wrong I am in everything I’m doing.
Is that unreasonable? --- MIL DOESN’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST
DEAR MIL DOESN’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST: Every generation brings something new to the parenthood game.
You’re aware of how much help your mother-in-law can be to you in your son’s early days, and as a grandmother myself, I understand how much it means to her to be part of this special time in your family’s life.
I don’t believe you’re being unreasonable in wanting to follow what you feel is best for your baby based on current recommended practices.
Perhaps it’d be helpful if you shared some of the information you’re basing your routines on, especially if the source material you’re using gives good, solid, proven reasons why your preferred methods work.
Making your mother-in-law a more up-to-speed partner in the care of your infant son might hopefully make things easier for everyone.
Link 2
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3. Dear Care and Feeding,
I live in a major city and walk/use public transportation daily to get my young kids around. So frequently people stop me to tell me how to parent.
They’ll say that the baby needs more layers in the winter, that my daughter kneeling on the bus seat isn’t safe, that my son needs more attention from me, etc. I do not want to get into an altercation and I want to model behavior that is in line with my values of how you talk to people. And yet, I’m often caught off guard with how to respond. Often it’s a smile, a nod, a “Thank you” even though it’s never helpful feedback and it’s always invasive. What are some of the ways to approach this sort of thing?
—No, Thank You
Dear No, Thank You,
Yikes. I wish strangers would get that parents are already just barely holding it together, and don’t need their unsolicited advice. I think your default approach of handling it with grace with a smile and a nod is a good one. I don’t know that you need to handle it any differently. It’s not confrontational, which is the exact strategy you need if you just want them to stop and walk away. A simple and neutral, “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” can suffice. You can also try “I appreciate your concern,” or “It’s something we’re working on.” If someone is particularly persistent or invasive, it’s OK to show a tiny bit of teeth. Politely but firmly say, “I appreciate your input, but we’re OK,” or “Thank you, but I’m busy.”
In some cases, however, you really shouldn’t be polite. I live in a city too, so I’m very familiar with the unsolicited feedback from strangers. Recently, my kids (3 and 1.5 years old) were in a public patio space. The older one was using chalk to draw on the concrete walkway. Two people approached him and loudly announced, “Whose kid is this? He is doing damage!” I had an eye on him and was worried by the commotion, so I came over right away to investigate. I thought maybe he was tearing out plants or something destructive, but nope he was just using chalk. My son looked extremely distraught, so remaining calm, I put myself between them and my son. I talked them down by telling them, “It’s just chalk,” and, “It’ll wash out in the rain.” Then I focused on making sure my kid felt safe, by reassuring him that he was being a good boy and that the strangers were behaving badly and needed time away from us. I took him over to another area where he continued playing with the chalk, and by the time we went home, I’m sure he had already forgotten about it. I say this to note that if you notice your kids are scared or uncomfortable around some of these strangers, you should feel emboldened to step up and make sure your kid feels safe.
Ultimately, the most important thing you can do is remain confident. You know your kids better than anyone else. Remembering that will help you brush off unhelpful comments. Remind yourself that strangers often think that they’re just trying to help, even if it’s not helpful. But the quicker you get everyone to move on, the better.
—Aymann
Link 3
My son tells me they keep the thing covered overnight and whenever the kids aren’t in it and they rake it out before each time the kids get into it, but I think it’s just asking for trouble.
I know my son and his wife are good parents, but why would such good parents let their kids play in such a germ factory? --- NOT SAFE IN THE SAND
DEAR NOT SAFE IN THE SAND: While I can see your point, it seems from what you said that your son and daughter-in-law are taking reasonable precautions that will hopefully lead to keeping the sand in the box relatively clean and safe for your grandchildren.
If you come across any further safety tips beyond what is already being routinely done, you might want to share them with your son and his wife. Beyond that, you’ve offered your well-meant opinion; now it’s up to them to do what feel is right.
Link 1
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Unlike his parents, my husband and I waited until after we were married for a few years to have children. So when our son was born in April I was 10 years older than my mother-in-law was when she had her first baby.
All throughout my pregnancy, my mother-in-law was full of advice for me on what’s best for me and the baby, and from the minute our son arrived, she has been telling me what I should do for her grandson and exactly how it should be done.
She is practically obsessed with some things being done like they were 35 years ago when my husband was born. She has her way of swaddling, bathing, feeding, dressing, and everything else you can do for a baby. And at least half of it is different from how I am doing it, based on what I’ve learned and continue to learn as I go along. She says I rely too much on what I find online, and should check everything I’m doing with our pediatrician before I do some harm to my own baby.
I appreciate her wanting to help, but her help is causing me more stress than if I didn’t have her “help” the two days a week she’s over at our house.
I know that my mother-in-law means well, and honestly we can use some help, but I would prefer it to not include constantly being told how wrong I am in everything I’m doing.
Is that unreasonable? --- MIL DOESN’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST
DEAR MIL DOESN’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST: Every generation brings something new to the parenthood game.
You’re aware of how much help your mother-in-law can be to you in your son’s early days, and as a grandmother myself, I understand how much it means to her to be part of this special time in your family’s life.
I don’t believe you’re being unreasonable in wanting to follow what you feel is best for your baby based on current recommended practices.
Perhaps it’d be helpful if you shared some of the information you’re basing your routines on, especially if the source material you’re using gives good, solid, proven reasons why your preferred methods work.
Making your mother-in-law a more up-to-speed partner in the care of your infant son might hopefully make things easier for everyone.
Link 2
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
I live in a major city and walk/use public transportation daily to get my young kids around. So frequently people stop me to tell me how to parent.
They’ll say that the baby needs more layers in the winter, that my daughter kneeling on the bus seat isn’t safe, that my son needs more attention from me, etc. I do not want to get into an altercation and I want to model behavior that is in line with my values of how you talk to people. And yet, I’m often caught off guard with how to respond. Often it’s a smile, a nod, a “Thank you” even though it’s never helpful feedback and it’s always invasive. What are some of the ways to approach this sort of thing?
—No, Thank You
Dear No, Thank You,
Yikes. I wish strangers would get that parents are already just barely holding it together, and don’t need their unsolicited advice. I think your default approach of handling it with grace with a smile and a nod is a good one. I don’t know that you need to handle it any differently. It’s not confrontational, which is the exact strategy you need if you just want them to stop and walk away. A simple and neutral, “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” can suffice. You can also try “I appreciate your concern,” or “It’s something we’re working on.” If someone is particularly persistent or invasive, it’s OK to show a tiny bit of teeth. Politely but firmly say, “I appreciate your input, but we’re OK,” or “Thank you, but I’m busy.”
In some cases, however, you really shouldn’t be polite. I live in a city too, so I’m very familiar with the unsolicited feedback from strangers. Recently, my kids (3 and 1.5 years old) were in a public patio space. The older one was using chalk to draw on the concrete walkway. Two people approached him and loudly announced, “Whose kid is this? He is doing damage!” I had an eye on him and was worried by the commotion, so I came over right away to investigate. I thought maybe he was tearing out plants or something destructive, but nope he was just using chalk. My son looked extremely distraught, so remaining calm, I put myself between them and my son. I talked them down by telling them, “It’s just chalk,” and, “It’ll wash out in the rain.” Then I focused on making sure my kid felt safe, by reassuring him that he was being a good boy and that the strangers were behaving badly and needed time away from us. I took him over to another area where he continued playing with the chalk, and by the time we went home, I’m sure he had already forgotten about it. I say this to note that if you notice your kids are scared or uncomfortable around some of these strangers, you should feel emboldened to step up and make sure your kid feels safe.
Ultimately, the most important thing you can do is remain confident. You know your kids better than anyone else. Remembering that will help you brush off unhelpful comments. Remind yourself that strangers often think that they’re just trying to help, even if it’s not helpful. But the quicker you get everyone to move on, the better.
—Aymann
Link 3
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2. I'd tell LW2 to stop having MIL babysit and to absolutely put a very firm kibbosh on all parenting discussions right now - but if they're going to persist in either one of those things I suggest they preface each and every parenting choice with the phrase "My pediatrician said...."
But seriously, just get a new babysitter. Somebody you pay will be less inclined to argue with you about everything.
3. The late, great Suzette Haden Elgin had some advice here, which I will paraphrase rather than looking it up.
If somebody comes to you with an absurd comment like "Your child is not wearing enough clothes" then you should simply go along with what they say without changing your actions. I can report that if you respond with an absurdity like "I absolutely agree" and then go back to your book that people are generally pretty flummoxed and don't know where else to go with the conversation.
It doesn't always work, but what does?
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I also like the story in the advice. "he's doing damage" with *chalk*. sheesh. They're lucky she didn't try to feed it to them.
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But as somebody whose job duties occasionally involve getting cussed out after telling parents that they need to either pay more attention to their kids or leave: if people are regularly telling you out in public that you need to pay more attention to your kids, please, for at least a moment, consider the possibility that you need to pay more attention to your kids when out in public, because many, many parents need to pay more attention to their kids when out in public. And if the person telling you what to do with your kids is an employee of the space where you are, please be polite and listen to them - they aren't telling you how to parent, they're reminding you of the guidelines for use of the space.
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So I feel for you. I know the widespread nature of parents ignoring their kids is real (at least in some areas, I don’t know if there are other places where parents/caregivers are more invested) and they DO NOT take it well when you ask them to keep a closer eye.
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I'm sure the good parents get told that by curmudgeons when their kids are fine and it's annoying for them, but I'm also sure the other 10% are also annoyed by being constantly told to watch their kids, because they are happy to convey that to me.
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I’m assuming LW2 is getting regular pediatric checkups for baby. Easy win to just check a few A versus B things with them, and maybe get a blanket recommendation that all information from web sources X, Y, and Z are sound advice, and voila.
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All the time, especially, for some reason, on the bus.
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...and "jut share your sources" doesn't strike me as something that could be helpful because MIL doesn't trust those sources...