agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: Until last year, our daughter, 34, and her 32-year-old sister were as close as could be. We all live nearby. About two years ago, tension became obvious between the older sister and her brother-in-law, including nearly physical confrontation. He accuses her of lashing out because she has lost control of her sister, and she accuses him of being mentally and emotionally abusive to his wife. She says mutual friends and family have questioned whether her sister is “safe.”

We don’t believe there is ANY merit to the idea that he is abusive. We don’t believe their friends or family think there is, either. He can be selfish with his time or activities, but we see these as things every marriage needs to sort out.

Our son-in-law is beside himself with anger about our older daughter’s statements. He has demanded to know who has said he is abusive and doesn’t feel comfortable around their friends, as he wonders whether they said anything. Our daughter refuses to reveal her supposed sources. We don’t think there really are any, and we think our daughter is too stubborn to admit that this has gone too far. Our daughter is fracturing her sister’s marriage.

There is very little contact between the sisters and spouses. Our little grandchildren hardly see each other. We did sponsor some family counseling, but the sessions were basically shouting matches that went nowhere. Our daughters have resumed some communication, but we can’t gather as a family. Do you have any ideas how to broker a peace?
— Anonymous

Anonymous: I am shocked at how ready you are to sell out your own daughter. Do you really believe her capable of crying abuse without merit? Of wanting to control her sister? How were they once “as close as could be” if she is that vindictive?

If she is, historically, isn’t that the real problem?

I am also really uncomfortable with backing anyone who is “beside himself with anger.” That is not how healthy people react, and “demand[ing] to know” who said what is not something kind, centered people do. Accusing his accuser of wanting control, saying friends can’t be trusted — these are not only first steps toward isolating your daughter from her people, but also reactions typical of abusers when challenged.

Your daughter has lost her composure, too, which is why I’ve asked about her history of anger and control. And I wonder about your younger daughter, whether she bows to dominant types. She’s central, and you barely mention her.

I hope you see how problematic your role is here. Relationship abuse persists in part because people don’t recognize it. Abusers can charm people valuable to them and discredit those they perceive as threats, right under smart people’s noses.

So: Did I just describe your daughter? Your son-in-law? Both? Give a hard think to what you accuse your daughter of doing, and whether that’s the daughter you know. And get educated on what intimate abuse and control look like — because someone here is guilty of it, and you can’t afford to be wrong. Read Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear,” especially Chapter 10. Read up at thehotline.org or call 800-799-SAFE if you’d rather talk it through.

Next, ask your older daughter calmly what she has witnessed. Facts only. Resist the impulse to refute her. Just listen. Then, your other daughter. In other words, don’t “broker a peace”; find the truth. Because someone is abusive here, and you don’t know who it is.

Reader’s thought: One or both of your daughters needs your help, and your focus is on your son-in-law’s feelings. Why?

Link

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

LW is not going to heed this advice, I'd bet good money on that.

I wouldn't bet against you, but I'm glad to see it given nontheless.

OK this is weirdly similar to what I'm going through. I am the older daughter in this scenario. But there has been no family counseling at all.

Strangely comforting to see the columnist's answer here.

I never liked my new BIL but he has been vicious and aggressive to me in the name of protecting her from me (!!) and now I am afraid of him. And I worry about what would happen if he should turn that on his wife, my sister.

But they live in another state and there's nothing I can do.

*hugs*

*fierce hugs*

JFC. Sending hugs, that's awful.

hugs you so much

"beside himself with anger" - "shouting matches that went nowhere" - yeah, well. I am a little reminded of a Call the Midwife episode I just rewatched, in which yes, the parents are cleared of having abused their newborn, but it's also perfectly obvious that the factors that made them suspected are still there and still a risk to the child. (I don't think this is too much of a spoiler, because there are multiple storylines like this that all work out slightly differently.)

... if Son-in-law is trying to figure out which friend "snitched", that ... is REALLY not a good look.

But We don’t believe there is ANY merit to the idea that he is abusive.
Mmmmmhmmm