agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a lesbian who recently experienced heartbreak by falling in love with my mentor and boss. I didn't want it to happen, but it did. The time we spent together was a balance of bliss and fear. My heart and soul feel that she feels the same way about me. I left my job because my feelings for her became so overwhelming, I could no longer cope.

She knows how I feel about her, and she has shown interest in me in the past. She is not gay, but I do know of straight women who have fallen in love with one woman in their lives. We have a 15-year age difference. That doesn't matter to me. I'm absolutely crazy about her. I dream about our Victorian home together and a beautiful garden and life. I want nothing else but to make her happy for the rest of her life, make her breakfast every morning and beautiful dinners every night.

We are no longer communicating, upon her request. I want to heal my heart and live my life. It's so hard to let go of her, but I know I should. On the other hand, something tells me I should wait for her. How can I move forward and find the love I deserve in this life? -- CRUSHED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CRUSHED: If you really want to find the love you know you deserve, then you are going to have to find someone who is ready and willing to provide it. This person is not. She was interested in you only as a friend and an employee. Asking you to stop communicating with her was a strong message.

It may take time and even psychological counseling to help you disengage from your fantasy of an idealized life with this woman. But for the sake of your sanity, it's important that you try.

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LW needs therapy, and probably also a hobby. Lots of hobbies, or volunteer work, or something to fill up her time and give her a social outlet so she has better things to do than to think about this woman who clearly wants nothing to do with her.

Q: How do I make a sandwich? Here are some reasons why I find sandwich making difficult but think I should really do it.

A: You should really make a sandwich! Here are some reasons sandwich making is important!

These are good strategies. And also...does LW have queer friends/community? Can LW feel comfortable with her identitiy in her current circumstances? Falling in love with straight people happens all the time (straight people are really common, I hear) but also, sometimes people fall for unattainable people when they don't have other options or when falling in love with someone who might fall in love back is actually really scary for whatever reason. And homophobia, either in LW's surroundings, or internalised, is maybe not the least likely reason.

Possibilities in no particular order:

1. Boss is into it, is freaked out by that because she’s always believed herself to be het, and wants all the distance so she doesn’t have to deal with her own Submerged Gay Feelings(tm) trying to surface. If this is the case, Boss is unavailable because she’s so invested in feeling het, she’s put a hard stop on LW’s presence or contact. She’s doing the equivalent of running in the opposite direction as far as her feet can take her. Boss may someday figure out she’s gay, but it’s not going to be soon or with LW. Move on, LW.

2. Boss is het, LW wasn’t being pushy/creepy but was honest about her feelings, and Boss wants all the distance so she doesn’t have to deal with the discomfort of being the target of LW’s unrequited crush. If this is the case, Boss probably feels bad for LW, but there’s no future there regardless. Move on, LW.

3. Boss is het, LW was being Too Much about it, and Boss doesn’t want anyone creeping on her. If this is the case, I send much sympathy to Boss; it’s awful to have someone drowning you in their overflowing and unwanted love. Move on, LW, and learn to corral your feelings so you don’t get pushy on potential future partners.

4. Boss is closeted lesbian or bi, it was quickly clear that LW wanted an out future together, and Boss retreated. Not everyone is capable of being out, for a variety of reasons. If this is the case, my sympathy to them both. Move on, LW, and find someone who can love as openly as you’re dreaming of.

The letter writer is so OTT I confidently vote 3. It's the fantasy Victorian terrace that does it for me. There is absolutely nothing in the letter about the boss as a person, it's all about her as an idol in this fantasy life. Even if the boss weren't straight, a sensible person would run a mile from this 15 years younger obsessive crush who is convinced in her "heart and soul" that a woman who wants nothing to do with her actually loves her.

'I dream about our Victorian home together and a beautiful garden and life. I want nothing else but to make her happy for the rest of her life, make her breakfast every morning and beautiful dinners every night.'

Is there any evidence that this would make her happy? Is she actually envisaging a rereat to Plas Newydd???? - the age difference is pretty much of Butler/Ponsonby proportions.

I urgently need more information on those runaway Irishwomen.

People have been writing up the Ladies of Llangollen since their own day! - this looks like quite a good overview. I'm fascinated by their maid, Mary Caryll, who aided their escape, and was buried in the same grave with them...

It's astonishing the number of people who convince themselves that "if one person of this category has been interested in one person in a category to which I belong, this could work!" in the face of "I, a specific person, am telling you that I am not interested in you right now."

This includes "people sometimes are interested in getting back together with their exes," so I think Boss's sexuality is totally irrelevant here. She really could be straight. She could be bi or pan or any damn thing. LW's sense that Boss showed interest in her in the past could be wishful thinking or absolute truth. Does not matter. Boss has requested that they no longer communicate NOW. That's all the information LW needs to know that beautiful dinners on the entirely fictional terrace are not in the plan.

Very valid point. And you’re right, #3 could involve Boss being L/B rather than het; having been Boss in the past and being a queer myself, I can confirm that we don’t like getting flooded with unwanted romantic attention either. Pushiness doesn’t suddenly become bearable simply because it’s from someone of our desired gender(s).

All those are possibilities, plus:
5. LW perceived friendship, or friendly mentorship, as romantic interest. Her boss may have started with a gentle rejection like "I'm very flattered, but I really can't date someone I work with." Meaning to push LW into the friendzone. Then, because LW's heart and soul believed they were destined to be together, she left the job and continued her romantic pursuit and was rebuffed harder, and eventually treated like a stalker.

If a man treated his female boss like this, we wouldn't wonder if the boss was really heterosexual.

Good point. And yeah, a deflection based on work rather than sexuality might have been seen as a safer bet, since some people have that “I can change them” mindset, but most folks aren’t willing to quit their job.

This!

She was being a sex pest! LW needs some counseling to sort out the various ways that people can be kind, helpful, friendly, even affectionate good friends, without being romantically destined to live in an adorable Victorian with a garden.

Her citing the 15-year age difference makes me think she is very young and this is her first big adult in-person crush. She could benefit so much from being in a community that included older, stable lesbian couples as role models. As she's in California, that's not impossible, depending on where she lives.

Yes, I was thinking at least one of their hobbies needs to be in the LGBTQ community but… maybe once they realize stalking is bad.

And I should’ve remembered to say that the therapist needs to be LGBTQ-friendly.

Gosh I hope that’s the direction of the age difference.

Oh, dear Crushed. I have been in varieties of your shoes every now and then. Your dearest has requested space, and thank you for giving it to her. It's so hard to have a world-ending love and be the only one holding that torch.
Look up "limerence". There is a word for this!
If, someday, she decides she wants to try things with you, she will tell you. Keep your email address, set up a rule that will make sure it never goes to spam and is marked important or starred or flagged or whatever will bring it to your attention. Wait if you feel you need to. You don't need to date, and in fact, it's unfair to your potential dates if you're living entirely in a future that doesn't have them in it. But don't make all your plans around her. Find a creative outlet instead. Paintings, poetry, novels. Long walks on the beach by yourself. Sports! Don't isolate yourself, find friends. And maybe, in a future where you are surrounded by friends and things that make you happy, you may find your heart interested in someone who wants to reciprocate.