![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Prudence,
I have a 10-year-old son whom I gave up for adoption when I was 17. I wasn’t the best person nor could I take care of him financially. My older brother stepped in and adopted him at 3 months old and has been raising him as his own ever since.
Well, I’m a changed person now and I have a completely different life. I absolutely love the Lord and want to do right by him. I’ve now had a relationship with my son for almost three years and I’m getting to spend more time with him and have him more. The problem I have is when I visit my son at his house, I’ve noticed he’s very spoiled and disobedient. I feel like a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s the baby of the family and his mom lets him get away with a lot. Lately, when I take my other kids over, my son is mean to his younger siblings. How do I approach his mom about his behavior without her getting mad or me ruining the good relationship we all now have. I really want my son to treat his siblings better and to grow up and be a good god-fearing man.
—A Little Advice
Dear Little,
You can bring up your concerns, but I want you to be very careful and very specific. The conversation with your son’s mom should be about how his treatment of your other kids affects them (so provide a couple of recent examples), and whether there’s anything the two of you can do to help all the kids get along and make sure the little ones are physically and emotionally safe. And that’s it. While I understand that you gave birth to him and feel invested in his upbringing—it’s not as if we’re talking about a random friend’s kid here—you have to respect that your brother has taken on that responsibility and gets the accompanying privilege of parenting in the way that makes sense to him. And yes, even if his approach seems flawed to you. If you decide that after he’s done all the hard work, you’re going to step in with a critique, it won’t go well. Trust me.
To stay in your lane and preserve the relationship, keep your criticism of your son’s upbringing to yourself. Remind yourself that your brother is doing his best. And as far as your desire for your son to be god-fearing, your best approach is to be a loving, joyful, kind, supportive person who brightens his life. Be a walking advertisement for the benefits of your faith, and he may one day want to emulate you and believe what you believe. If he comes to know you as someone who complains about how he’s spoiled and disobedient and gets away with too much, you’ll quickly lose any closeness you have with him and ruin your chance to be a positive influence.
Link
I have a 10-year-old son whom I gave up for adoption when I was 17. I wasn’t the best person nor could I take care of him financially. My older brother stepped in and adopted him at 3 months old and has been raising him as his own ever since.
Well, I’m a changed person now and I have a completely different life. I absolutely love the Lord and want to do right by him. I’ve now had a relationship with my son for almost three years and I’m getting to spend more time with him and have him more. The problem I have is when I visit my son at his house, I’ve noticed he’s very spoiled and disobedient. I feel like a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s the baby of the family and his mom lets him get away with a lot. Lately, when I take my other kids over, my son is mean to his younger siblings. How do I approach his mom about his behavior without her getting mad or me ruining the good relationship we all now have. I really want my son to treat his siblings better and to grow up and be a good god-fearing man.
—A Little Advice
Dear Little,
You can bring up your concerns, but I want you to be very careful and very specific. The conversation with your son’s mom should be about how his treatment of your other kids affects them (so provide a couple of recent examples), and whether there’s anything the two of you can do to help all the kids get along and make sure the little ones are physically and emotionally safe. And that’s it. While I understand that you gave birth to him and feel invested in his upbringing—it’s not as if we’re talking about a random friend’s kid here—you have to respect that your brother has taken on that responsibility and gets the accompanying privilege of parenting in the way that makes sense to him. And yes, even if his approach seems flawed to you. If you decide that after he’s done all the hard work, you’re going to step in with a critique, it won’t go well. Trust me.
To stay in your lane and preserve the relationship, keep your criticism of your son’s upbringing to yourself. Remind yourself that your brother is doing his best. And as far as your desire for your son to be god-fearing, your best approach is to be a loving, joyful, kind, supportive person who brightens his life. Be a walking advertisement for the benefits of your faith, and he may one day want to emulate you and believe what you believe. If he comes to know you as someone who complains about how he’s spoiled and disobedient and gets away with too much, you’ll quickly lose any closeness you have with him and ruin your chance to be a positive influence.
Link