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“Anna” is our only granddaughter. Our son died when she was small, and we got very involved in her life. We pay for her private school and her extracurriculars since her mother doesn’t make much. Well, Anna’s cousins from her mother’s side, “Charlotte and Claire,” have recently moved in with Anna’s family. Anna is forced to share a room with both girls, causing a lot of friction. Anna has a stepbrother who has his own room in the house but rarely occupies it. It is ridiculous to have three kids crammed into one small bedroom while the other one is unoccupied.
Anna could “share” the room with her stepbrother (sleep there when he isn’t around), or one of the kids could take the couch. Anna’s mother and stepfather told us to butt out and stop favoring Anna. The stepfather has been increasingly calling her spoiled and then whines if none of the other kids get gifts from us (yet his own parents don’t even send Anna a birthday card).
Anna’s mother had done a good thing taking on her nieces, but at a cost to Anna.
Anna is going to high school next year and doesn’t want to share her space with a pair of elementary students. Anna has spoken about moving in with us full-time over the summer, but is afraid of her mother’s reaction. Our relationship with our former daughter-in-law has frazzled since she remarried. She seems to resent our presence in our granddaughter’s life, especially when our pocketbook doesn’t pop out whenever she wants it to (she complained about not being able to afford dance and other activities for her nieces). We really don’t want to make things worse here, but our advice is always rejected. Anna moving in with us seems to be the best solution, but her mother will not see it that way. What should we do?
—Moving In
Dear Moving In,
You can offer to let Anna come stay with you, but there is no guarantee that her mother will respond favorably. Still, it’s worth talking to her about Anna’s challenges in the home, even suggesting again that she share a room with her stepbrother. Let your DIL know that you only want Anna to be happy and that you aren’t “favoring” her over the other children. Talk about how difficult it will be for her to share her space with much younger girls as a high school student, who will need a quiet space to complete hours of homework. If you live close enough, perhaps you can suggest that Anna spends the week with you and the weekend with her mother’s family.
It seems somewhat unlikely that Anna’s mother will allow her to move in with you (though it’s absolutely worth it to ask). If she doesn’t, continue offering Anna respite from the situation with her family and a listening ear for her to vent her frustrations. Let her know that she isn’t wrong for how she feels. Perhaps raise the idea of her moving in with you a second time a few months after your first conversation with her mother, reminding her of Anna’s unhappiness and your willingness to offer her a comfortable living situation. Be as respectful to her as you can, for the future of your relationship with Anna (while she lives in her mother’s home) depends on you and your DIL being able to get along.
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Anna could “share” the room with her stepbrother (sleep there when he isn’t around), or one of the kids could take the couch. Anna’s mother and stepfather told us to butt out and stop favoring Anna. The stepfather has been increasingly calling her spoiled and then whines if none of the other kids get gifts from us (yet his own parents don’t even send Anna a birthday card).
Anna’s mother had done a good thing taking on her nieces, but at a cost to Anna.
Anna is going to high school next year and doesn’t want to share her space with a pair of elementary students. Anna has spoken about moving in with us full-time over the summer, but is afraid of her mother’s reaction. Our relationship with our former daughter-in-law has frazzled since she remarried. She seems to resent our presence in our granddaughter’s life, especially when our pocketbook doesn’t pop out whenever she wants it to (she complained about not being able to afford dance and other activities for her nieces). We really don’t want to make things worse here, but our advice is always rejected. Anna moving in with us seems to be the best solution, but her mother will not see it that way. What should we do?
—Moving In
Dear Moving In,
You can offer to let Anna come stay with you, but there is no guarantee that her mother will respond favorably. Still, it’s worth talking to her about Anna’s challenges in the home, even suggesting again that she share a room with her stepbrother. Let your DIL know that you only want Anna to be happy and that you aren’t “favoring” her over the other children. Talk about how difficult it will be for her to share her space with much younger girls as a high school student, who will need a quiet space to complete hours of homework. If you live close enough, perhaps you can suggest that Anna spends the week with you and the weekend with her mother’s family.
It seems somewhat unlikely that Anna’s mother will allow her to move in with you (though it’s absolutely worth it to ask). If she doesn’t, continue offering Anna respite from the situation with her family and a listening ear for her to vent her frustrations. Let her know that she isn’t wrong for how she feels. Perhaps raise the idea of her moving in with you a second time a few months after your first conversation with her mother, reminding her of Anna’s unhappiness and your willingness to offer her a comfortable living situation. Be as respectful to her as you can, for the future of your relationship with Anna (while she lives in her mother’s home) depends on you and your DIL being able to get along.
Link