Two letters from the same column about judging others' fashion choices

[conuly]

Link

1. Dear Urban Diplomat,
I fly often for work, and lately I’ve noticed more and more people wearing sweatsuits on planes. On a recent flight home from LA, I spotted one that looked like an outfit you’d expect to see in the pyjama section—or a prison yard. I was raised to believe that dressing well is a way to show respect for others, so I wear a collared shirt and jacket on flights. I don’t expect everyone to dress so smartly, but don’t we need standards?
—Formal Complaint, Windfields

Are the planes you take flying back to the 1960s? Because it’s been ages since an aircraft aisle resembled a catwalk. There’s now only one rule in the aviation dress code: wear whatever helps you eke out a scintilla of comfort in your ever-shrinking space. Good on you for dressing to impress—but know that nobody is taking notice. All most of us want while airborne is to pull our hoodies over our heads and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Sorry, but the sweatsuits are here to stay.

*********

2. Dear Urban Diplomat, ​​
A few months back, my boyfriend saw some NFL players wearing nail polish, decided he liked the look and asked me to help him apply it. He’s a bearded, burly guy, so it looked ridiculous, but I figured it was innocent fun and he’d quickly lose interest. Here’s the thing: now he’s wearing polish every day and in all settings. People give us weird looks when we’re out, and he doesn’t seem to care. He’s meeting my conservative parents for the first time in a couple of weeks, and I know they’ll be super judgy about those nails. How do I talk him out of this fashion crime?
—Varnishing Act, Regent Park

It’s reasonable to ask your boyfriend to temporarily nix the mani (though your folks may be more open-minded than you expect). But the bigger question is why you care what people think. If it makes him happy, let him have his thing. ​​My advice is to take a page out of your boyfriend’s playbook: ignore the stink eyes, tune out your parents’ disapproval and embrace a little eccentricity.

Comments

[conuly]

Solid responses, no notes.

[pauraque]

Nail polish on bearded, burly guys is hot.

[laurajv]

that fashionable fingernail man needs a new significant other, i tell you what.

[kindkit]

I find it hard to believe that people in central Toronto are giving the BF weird looks because he wears nail polish. It's the LW who's weird about it, hence her care to tell us how big and burly and fond of the NFL her guy is.

[topaz_eyes]

Eh, I disagree with asking BF to temporarily nix the mani. Clear nail polish is not obtrusive and it would make a good test. If LW's parents are going to be super-judgy, BF should find out up front. It's fairer to him than having to endure LW's protests about his nails every time they visit the parents.

[ioplokon]

LW2 needs to examine their own heart as well, I think. It seems like they're also judging the BF, not just stressing about what Other People Think. Like, I know we use ridiculous a bit lightly in colloquial speech but, at the heart of things, I do think LW thinks BF is inviting ridicule because of his behavior...

If they can get over their weird reaction, then I think the thing to do is give BF a heads up about the parents' likely reactions, let him know you support him regardless (& ideally mean it, but if it's fake it til you make it time, so be it), and let him decide if he feels up to enduring them being rude.

[lilysea]

If LW was saying "my skin reacts badly to boyfriends' nail polish" I'd be like, fair, ask him to try lower-irritant nail polish

and if boyfriend had, say, a job interview or a court appearance it might be fair to ask for no nail polish for those.

But parents being thingy about nail polish are being prejudiced, and no one should have to cater to other people's prejudices.

People might *choose* to alter their self expression temporarily to cater to prejudice to eg get a job, but it should always be *that person's choice* not anyone else's.

[minoanmiss]

LW #2: if I didn't already have one sweetie who is majestically rocking the nailpolish (and no time for other shenanigans), I'd ask you for his number.

LW #1 needs a hobby.

[green_grrl]

LW1, remember the pandemic? That’s when we all realized hard pants are a no. Maybe for a court appearance or a wedding, but to sit long hours in discomfort? Stretchy pants, all the way.

[naath]

dear LW1, the rule is 'clothes' nudity will probably get you throw off, swimwear is sideeye. sweatpants are great

[cimorene]

Agreed.

[cimorene]

I guess she might find SOMEONE there who's giving side eye, but it surely requires some work.

[cimorene]

As a college student in the early 2000s I saw a lot of velour tracksuits and hoodies on planes already, though also some men in business casual. I also vividly remember being stuck at a gate and hearing a flight attendant gush extensively at a woman in a tea length casual dress and a 90s hat about how nice it was of her to dress up for the plane since nobody does it anymore, lol.

[mrissa]

"don't we need standards?" absolutely. The standard is: eyes on your own paper, other people's business is not your business.

[michelel72]

Something of a tangent: I had to counsel my mother to dress slightly more "up" for flying than she wanted to ... but that was because she was frustrated about always being pulled aside on suspicion of transporting drugs. She was a tall, heavy-set Boomer who preferred to wear tie-die T-shirts and shorts; the "aged hippie" vibe was real. She later confirmed that a nice blouse and long pants were correlated with many fewer security delays.

But I didn't love that she had to do that! Comfort and practicality are profoundly important when flying. (I'm also confused that LW1 says dressing well shows respect for others but then limits their complaints to airports. Do they only care about showing respect when flying??)

[green_grrl]

😂 If it weren’t early 2000s, I would say maybe the flight attendant had been inspired to her job by watching Pan Am, and then disappointed.

[cimorene]

Actually that could be a fun gimmick for at least, like, one episode of a sitcom.

[full_metal_ox]

I’m going to hazard a guess that Black and Latinx air travelers are under double pressure to Not Look Like A Stoner.

(My own dress code for air travel, evolved for wintertime flights between Ohio and Florida, became Layer! Layer! Layer! Bring your personal bag inside a large shopping bag—-which you can then fill with your shed outer clothing once you reach your destination. This also reduces the weight of your overhead bag. Conversely, carry a compressible jacket and change of shoes along with your personal bag in the aforesaid shopping bag, to don upon reaching the frozen tundra.

That said, I did once get pulled aside for a patdown; my fishing vest atop a sweatshirt and three layers of skirts created a suspiciously bulky waistline around my inherently bulky waistline.)

[melannen]

I used to dress up at least a bit for a plane, but then I realized the nicer my outfit was, the more likely to have a hassle at security. So sweatpants, t-shirts, and slipons it is for now on.

[sporky_rat]

I have a reasonably nice pair of stretchy trousers (WITH GOOD POCKETS) for flights, plus a comfy jacket. The closest I get to dressing up for a plane is if it's Scout travel and I'm representing the Scouts. (Even then, comfortable uniform)

And nail polish? I wish more guys would take better care of their fingers and nails because it's not fun to be in a physical relationship because someone doesn't keep their nails short or clean. There is nothing wrong with getting a manicure!

[likeaduck]

RIGHT? Regent Park is very low on the list of neighbourhoods where I (a significantly more genderweird person than I assume the bearded burly mani man is) expect to get any negative attention. (It's totally a place I'd expect the occasional compliment from a stranger on something like what the LW describes though.)

[jack]

I think she needs to have an idea how important the polish is to boyfriend. If he mostly does like being a bit unusual, it's reasonable to skip it sometimes rather than troll parents. If expressing something pretty turns out to be load bearing for him, then she needs to decide if she's ok with that. Because she needs to be ready to handle it if parents comment on it.

I would ask herself, would she be OK if it was JUST that or is she scared there might be more non-gender-conformity? Is she worried that boyfriend is a troll or worried that boyfriend is non-binary or not considered the difference? Would boyfriend LIKE any other things? They could consider, if boyfriend experimented with some other changes to his presentation, would he feel supported if she was willing to try them? Would she feel supported if she got to see if there were some she liked more than others?