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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter is in a small school with only 12 girls in the grade. Last year, seven of the girls had their own Halloween party and group costume. My daughter was not invited. I was quite hurt that a couple of their mothers, whom I consider friends, did not reach out to ask if she wanted to be included. It is clear now that she is in the uncool group. This would be okay, except that her best friend is leaving the school at the end of the year. It means she is left with two friends, who could very well be in the other class.
She has a very strong sense of self, much more than I did at her age, and she doesn’t want to be with the cool kids. I admire this quality so much. I brought up Halloween with one mom, who is now freezing me out, so I never spoke to anyone else. I am concerned that fifth grade will be miserable. My daughter doesn’t know that her best friend is leaving, but she will soon. Should I tell her now? How do I manage her (and my) feelings around this?
—Fed Up With Friend Drama
Dear Friend,
Despite the younger generation’s inarguable progress on so many issues, from gender fluidity to body positivity, the sorting of kids at precisely this age into the “cool ones” and the “uncool ones” remains an intractable part of American childhood. Boy, does it suck. I salute your daughter’s determination to blow off the cool kids, a conviction that I, like you, did not share when I was her age. Instead, I was desperate for innumerable Tims and Jims to laugh at my jokes. It took me a few years to realize that it would be much more fruitful to simply be friends with the kids who wanted to be friends with me.
So, it’s good news that she has reached that conclusion immediately. You may fret that this limits terribly her friend opportunities at such a small school, but even with a bestie departing, there still remain more kids than you might think with whom she can form a bond. You can always chat with her school’s principal about your concern, which might persuade her to ensure that your daughter has a friend in her fifth grade class. You can also improve her odds by signing her up for a few outside-of-school activities where she may encounter kids in other grades or from other schools.
And do your best not to get wrapped up in the social ups and downs of your town’s 9-year-olds. I say this knowing just how badly it hurts a parent to see their child rejected by another child—it happens to all of us. But still, as much as you can, allow her to find her own way, and recognize that she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.
And no—if she doesn’t know that her friend is going to a new school, I would not tell her yet. It’s possible her friend doesn’t even know about the upcoming move, and your daughter should not be the one to break it to her!
Link
My 9-year-old daughter is in a small school with only 12 girls in the grade. Last year, seven of the girls had their own Halloween party and group costume. My daughter was not invited. I was quite hurt that a couple of their mothers, whom I consider friends, did not reach out to ask if she wanted to be included. It is clear now that she is in the uncool group. This would be okay, except that her best friend is leaving the school at the end of the year. It means she is left with two friends, who could very well be in the other class.
She has a very strong sense of self, much more than I did at her age, and she doesn’t want to be with the cool kids. I admire this quality so much. I brought up Halloween with one mom, who is now freezing me out, so I never spoke to anyone else. I am concerned that fifth grade will be miserable. My daughter doesn’t know that her best friend is leaving, but she will soon. Should I tell her now? How do I manage her (and my) feelings around this?
—Fed Up With Friend Drama
Dear Friend,
Despite the younger generation’s inarguable progress on so many issues, from gender fluidity to body positivity, the sorting of kids at precisely this age into the “cool ones” and the “uncool ones” remains an intractable part of American childhood. Boy, does it suck. I salute your daughter’s determination to blow off the cool kids, a conviction that I, like you, did not share when I was her age. Instead, I was desperate for innumerable Tims and Jims to laugh at my jokes. It took me a few years to realize that it would be much more fruitful to simply be friends with the kids who wanted to be friends with me.
So, it’s good news that she has reached that conclusion immediately. You may fret that this limits terribly her friend opportunities at such a small school, but even with a bestie departing, there still remain more kids than you might think with whom she can form a bond. You can always chat with her school’s principal about your concern, which might persuade her to ensure that your daughter has a friend in her fifth grade class. You can also improve her odds by signing her up for a few outside-of-school activities where she may encounter kids in other grades or from other schools.
And do your best not to get wrapped up in the social ups and downs of your town’s 9-year-olds. I say this knowing just how badly it hurts a parent to see their child rejected by another child—it happens to all of us. But still, as much as you can, allow her to find her own way, and recognize that she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.
And no—if she doesn’t know that her friend is going to a new school, I would not tell her yet. It’s possible her friend doesn’t even know about the upcoming move, and your daughter should not be the one to break it to her!
Link