LW, WTF.

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am a stay-at-home mom to a 9-year-old daughter. She’s, well, she’s great. She is mainly well-behaved and as an only child I try hard to give her lots of experiences with other kids.

We have a cool “attic” room in our house that has low-sloping ceilings. We’ve set it up as something of a play space and we also store suitcases and extra bedding there. Last week, we invited “Sophie” to come on a Saturday for a playdate. I set up the play room with some craft supplies and snacks. The two girls were there for most of the afternoon and seemed to have a great time.

After taking Sophie home I went into the room and it was a shambles. The suitcases were opened, bedding and food were strewn everywhere. I was completely shocked. This is absolutely not the way our daughter would ever treat our home. Now I don’t know whether I should call Sophie’s mother to let her know how destructive her daughter was, or whether I would ever welcome this child into our home again. Your advice?

– Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated: Never, ever, leave two 9-year-olds alone for several hours in a room full of temptations, because they will imagine and conspire and create their own world full of strewn bedding, snacks, and overall mayhem. One child does not play this way. Two children do. They trade ideas, come up with storylines about being orphans on a camping trip, and things have a way of going sideways.

My first piece of advice is to leave the snacks out of the playroom. This way, every now and then you will pop your head in and invite them into the kitchen to take a break from their play. This will allow you to see what they’re up to and either marvel at their creations or course-correct them.

“Sophie” might have inspired this destruction, but this could very well have originated with your child, who decided to push her well-behaved boundaries (perhaps showing off). Your daughter should do the clean-up, which is part of the responsibility of hosting.

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Comments

[conuly]

LW needs to get a grip. She's acting like the kids were practicing ritual baby sacrifice when all that really happened is... they made a bit of a mess.

[dine]

has LW ever met a child? she's massively over-reacting to a harmless (sounding) mess.

have her daughter tidy the place up, talk to her about respecting others' items and ban food from the play area. or lock the child into a bedroom until she's 21, and has learned her lesson.
one of those

[minoanmiss]

I think I just sprained my eye muscles rolling them. Poor kiddo.

[full_metal_ox]

has LW ever met a child?

Or, for that matter, read a children’s book? One of the fundamental ground rules of childhood is that Mysterious Cool Stuff In The Attic/Basement/Closet/Shed is a season pass to adventure!

[shreena]

I think this one is difficult because it's not clear if the kids made a normal mess or not.

I would not expect 9 year olds to have deliberately smeared food around or thrown it everywhere and I would be cross about that. But a few crumbs is to be expected. I can't really tell which one it is.

That said, I always supervise more closely than this and I also get the kids to tidy up together after a playdate.

[conuly]

Oh no, her child would never do this! It was that other wicked child while her precious daughter just… sat there, I guess?

[conuly]

What's described all sounds normal to me. Perhaps LW's daughter usually sits very primly with her hands folded, poor child, but opening up suitcases and taking out the contents while eating a snack all sounds very typical. (And I wouldn't be that shocked at a small food fight either, although of course I'd disapprove and probably give them a time out if I caught them at it or else tattle to the guest's mom if I only found out after the fact!)

[conuly]

I know!

Also, I can't believe LW is considering tattling to Sophie's mom about this. I would never tell a child's parent that they misbehaved at my house unless the behavior was super egregious... and given how often I got my own reports of "Oh, they were wonderful, I wish my kids behaved that well!" I'm guessing I'm not the only one who thinks that's Just Not Cool. (Edit: Upon reflection, I think that just about the only times I actually told a parent anything about their kid was when the kid didn't listen to me if I was in charge or if they didn't listen to me about something unsafe or basically criminal that they were doing, regardless of who was the adult in charge.)

"Your daughter made a mess" is not something to snitch about.

[cimorene]

Imagine living with a child for that long and being so clueless about what children are like...! How?

[conuly]

LW must have even been a child at some point, so... I just don't get it.

[dissectionist]

My guess is that LW was taught to be a subservient child and continued style of parenting that with her own child. If a kid gets crushed early enough, they often don’t remember ever having been any other way. And many adults defend the terrible things done to them and their own choice to perpetuate it on their kids, because that’s easier than taking a hard look at their own victimization and that they subsequently mistreated their child(ren).