Dear Abby: A boy is stalking me

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm an eighth-grader with a good life. I go to a good school, have good friends and a happy family. But at school, there is this boy who follows me around. I tell him to stop, but he keeps doing it. When I tell my friends about it, they laugh and think it's funny. I don't feel like it's a joke. It's creepy.

I have tried to tell adults, but they don't do anything. Recently I dyed the tips of my hair blue, and at lunch he walked up, grabbed my hair and felt it. I feel like it was an invasion of my personal space. Because he won't stop following me around and being creepy, my grades have dropped. I'm distracted in class and nervous. What do you think I should do? -- INVADING MY SPACE

DEAR INVADING: If that boy were younger, I would suggest that he has a crush on you. But by the age of 13 or 14, he should have learned what "no" and "stop" means. I don't blame you for being concerned because the young man is acting like a stalker. Nobody has a right to touch you -- or your hair -- without your permission. You have a right to feel safe.

Do your parents know about this? If you told a teacher about what has been going on and were ignored, tell a counselor or the principal of your "good" school about it.

Comments

[cereta]

If that boy were younger, I would suggest that he has a crush on you.

AUGH. Can we please, please, please get rid of that cultural trope? The first time I heard it in relation to my daughter was when she was in the toddler room at daycare; a boy was shoving and hitting her, and the teacher said he had a "crush" on her. Which, you know, he did exhibit other behavior that indicated that he liked her more than the other kids, but can we not create the impression that someone treating you badly is a sign that they have romantic feelings for you? Because here I am again, when kiddo is nine, and there's a boy who teases her relentlessly at school, and guess what her friends are saying? Oh, he liiiiiiikes you. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't, but his behavior is making her unhappy, and I don't ever want her to excuse someone's poor behavior on the notion that well, that's just how they show they like you.

On the main matter, I kind of want to side-eye Abby's advice, because the LW has tried telling "adults," but I don't really know what other advice she could have given.

[amireal]

Yeah, I'm worried she's run out of local adults too. I honestly would go to the police at this point if only to drive home how exactly uncomfortable she feels but I'd worry they'd call her an over reactor.

Unfortunately other than explaining "I am telling you about him because I feel very uncomfortable and violated why is no one agreeing he should stop?" the only other option I can think of is warning the boy (and the adults) if he touches her again "I will hit you" and then follow through. Unfortunately THAT only works without getting her into trouble if there's an adult to argue that she had no other choices.

[greenygal]

While I am also not happy about the first sentence (maybe teaching boys that it's cute and funny when they ignore "no" and "stop" as kids has something to do with them ignoring it when they get older?) I do appreciate that Abby comes down solidly on "this is not okay, he has no right to touch you, and you should tell adults what he's doing." Even if that doesn't help--and yeah, I'm worried it won't either--at least somebody told the LW that she was right to get upset.

[adrian_turtle]

There's a stage that's less drastic than violence, and that's yelling, "Get your hands off me!" Good and loud, as she was probably taught to do in Stranger Danger lessons, a few years ago. It will disrupt class and be massively embarrassing...it can be hard for a 13-year-old to stick to her guns hard enough that all the embarrassment sticks to the bully and not to her, but it really is all his fault.

That only works for unwanted touches. Unfortunately, there's not much middle school kids can do about being followed around by a classmate, when it happens in or around the school

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, this. I'm honestly relieved -- this is better than I was expecting.

I really hope some adult comes through for LW.