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I hate my body. For a good 6 months, I (F, 5’7, age 38, two kids) went from 134 pounds down to 124 pounds with diligent single-serving eating and a bite of dessert totaling 1,200 calories a day with 5-times a week 30 minutes of weightlifting and 20-minute sprints/HITT. I was happy. I was thin. And then I burnt out and for two weeks I did not work out and ate normally. And I gained it back! All 10 pounds. My gym in-body assessment said I went from a percent body fat of 17.3 percent to 17.6 percent. BMI from 19.6 to 20.8. Body fat mass of 21.5 pounds to 23.5 pounds. So it isn’t even water weight. I am defeated and I hate myself and my body. I hate it and don’t know what to do. Don’t say therapy—therapy is giving up and accepting being a porker and looking mediocre. And menopause is around the corner and I am dreading the weight gain that will bring. I don’t know what to do to get back on track.
—Going to Scream
Dear Going,
Allow me to share with you what I’ve finally learned, after a lifetime of dieting and exercise: You have only two choices. Behind Door Number one is staying on that 1,200 calorie/day diet (maybe you get to nudge up to 1,500 calories to be “on maintenance”)—i.e., a lifetime of feeling deprived of foods you wish you were “allowed” to eat, and fixating on how much of what you are allowed to eat you put into your body. The reason you will have to diet for the rest of your life, as you discovered recently, is that as soon as you go off your diet, you gain the weight back, and much faster than you lost it. (I myself have lost and gained back all the weight I’d lost so many times in my life I have now lost count.) In fact, every time you diet and gain the weight back, it gets harder to lose the weight again. So—I’ll say it once more—option one is to stay on a diet for the rest of your life.
That might be fine with you. I’ve concluded that it’s not fine with me. So I’m going with what’s behind Door Number two: giving up dieting.
I fully get that right now, to you, that is a horrifying idea. Giving up on dieting is just plain giving up. Living with an “imperfect body.” Abandoning the idea of being thin. Letting your body be. I know that in my 30s and 40s, I would not have been able to do that. I wish I had, though. I wasted a lot of time and mental and emotional real estate fretting about something that was the worst possible use of my (relatively youthful) energy. I swear to you: Those 10 pounds you’ve gained back don’t matter. I know, I know: You’re thinking, Yeah, right, first it’s 10 and then it’s 30. Letting go of the idea that there is some weight you’re supposed to be, some shape of body you’re supposed to have, is one of the most liberating feelings you will ever have. I’m not here to tell you what you want to hear, I know. But I’m here to tell you what you need to hear. Let it go. Your body wants to be what it wants to be. Exercise it because it feels good and is a way of appreciating what it can do rather than how it looks. Find an exercise you truly love, if you don’t love the punishing ones you’ve been doing (I guess you might; some people do). I promise there is one! It was years before I found mine, but taking ballet and other dance classes six days a week has been life-changing for me—and it’s something I look forward to, not something I dread and have to force myself to do. If you’re eating compulsively, when you’re not hungry, get help for that. If you hate yourself—and, face it, your body is part of yourself—get help for that. Otherwise, eat when you’re hungry, and eat delicious food (and for God’s sake don’t measure it). Have dessert if you feel like it. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your life. And maybe listen to the podcast Maintenance Phase for a good dose of debunking diet culture and helping you recognize and fight anti-fatness, in yourself and others.
Link
—Going to Scream
Dear Going,
Allow me to share with you what I’ve finally learned, after a lifetime of dieting and exercise: You have only two choices. Behind Door Number one is staying on that 1,200 calorie/day diet (maybe you get to nudge up to 1,500 calories to be “on maintenance”)—i.e., a lifetime of feeling deprived of foods you wish you were “allowed” to eat, and fixating on how much of what you are allowed to eat you put into your body. The reason you will have to diet for the rest of your life, as you discovered recently, is that as soon as you go off your diet, you gain the weight back, and much faster than you lost it. (I myself have lost and gained back all the weight I’d lost so many times in my life I have now lost count.) In fact, every time you diet and gain the weight back, it gets harder to lose the weight again. So—I’ll say it once more—option one is to stay on a diet for the rest of your life.
That might be fine with you. I’ve concluded that it’s not fine with me. So I’m going with what’s behind Door Number two: giving up dieting.
I fully get that right now, to you, that is a horrifying idea. Giving up on dieting is just plain giving up. Living with an “imperfect body.” Abandoning the idea of being thin. Letting your body be. I know that in my 30s and 40s, I would not have been able to do that. I wish I had, though. I wasted a lot of time and mental and emotional real estate fretting about something that was the worst possible use of my (relatively youthful) energy. I swear to you: Those 10 pounds you’ve gained back don’t matter. I know, I know: You’re thinking, Yeah, right, first it’s 10 and then it’s 30. Letting go of the idea that there is some weight you’re supposed to be, some shape of body you’re supposed to have, is one of the most liberating feelings you will ever have. I’m not here to tell you what you want to hear, I know. But I’m here to tell you what you need to hear. Let it go. Your body wants to be what it wants to be. Exercise it because it feels good and is a way of appreciating what it can do rather than how it looks. Find an exercise you truly love, if you don’t love the punishing ones you’ve been doing (I guess you might; some people do). I promise there is one! It was years before I found mine, but taking ballet and other dance classes six days a week has been life-changing for me—and it’s something I look forward to, not something I dread and have to force myself to do. If you’re eating compulsively, when you’re not hungry, get help for that. If you hate yourself—and, face it, your body is part of yourself—get help for that. Otherwise, eat when you’re hungry, and eat delicious food (and for God’s sake don’t measure it). Have dessert if you feel like it. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your life. And maybe listen to the podcast Maintenance Phase for a good dose of debunking diet culture and helping you recognize and fight anti-fatness, in yourself and others.
Link