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Three letters whose writers could really use some self-awareness
1. Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has 13-year-old twin boys who stay with their father during school days. On the weekends, they are supposed to come to her house.
One twin recently had a conflict with her, lying about an incident that never occurred, and now refuses to come and stay at the house. He continually hurts his mother by saying he will come, then changing his mind at the last minute.
A special occasion is fast approaching. My daughter-in-law insists on buying the same amount of gifts for each twin. He will certainly come to get his gifts.
I am really resisting giving the twins the same amount of gifts. I feel that one twin has made no effort to be part of this family for the past year and does not merit the same treatment as the other twin, who faithfully comes every weekend to be with his mother.
I do not want to hurt my daughter-in-law’s feelings, but if the absent twin gets treated the same by us all, then there will be no consequences to his behavior, which has been awful. Please help.
— Rock and a Hard Place.
Rock and a Hard Place.: You are not on the receiving end of this behavior, so they aren’t your consequences to attach.
And a 13-year-old acting this way does have some agency, but is also still a kid and is probably going through all kinds of emotional stuff. The last thing a troubled adolescent needs is someone else’s arbitrary, boundary-crossing kick to the shins as a “lesson” in being unloved.
So, no, I am not going to endorse an unequal-gift plan. Nor will I give you an atheist’s lecture on the parable of the prodigal son, but I will thank my Sunday school teacher of yore for driving home the power of love and forgiveness.
If you want to put this upcoming occasion to good use, then use it to embrace all members of this struggling family with arms as open as you can manage, literally or figuratively, whichever message of inclusiveness they’re willing to receive from you.
Try a little yoga beforehand, maybe, if you’re feeling tight.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/08/carolyn-hax-twins-equal-gifts/
*************
2. Dear Carolyn: My wife and I live almost 900 miles away from our son, his wife and their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. Since we retired shortly after our granddaughter was born, our hope was to spend time with them at least four times a year. We recently stayed at their home and offered to take care of our granddaughter while they both worked. Our son insisted their daughter needed to go to day care to keep her in her routine and for socialization. We asked for only one day, but he said as the parent, his decision was final.
We were offended that we could not spend time going to a park, the library, and out for lunch so our granddaughter could get to know us a little better. We have decided to rethink our travel plans in the future as we feel that our presence in our granddaughter's life isn't that important to them.
To add injury to insult, we chose to live where we grew up so that both of our sons would have lots of interaction with both sets of their grandparents. Now we are being denied quality time with our granddaughter. How do we communicate our disappointment to the parents?
— Offended
Offended: As the last item on your agenda, I hope. If that.
Do you really want to lead with “disappointment"?
Before your trip, you had other good openers to discuss your grandpa role: your hopes of visiting often, your excitement at getting to know your granddaughter, your tentative plans for their review.
These are all still good options. Post-visit, though, your best opener is to express pride in how well they're raising their child. Trust me on this.
Pointing out how they failed you sets a terrible tone and precedent.
Maybe I’ve misread the situation; maybe you or your wife did involve your son in developing your plans. But the debris field after your expectations hit reality suggests you made assumptions along the way.
I do understand your hurt and surprise. A grandpa park outing is straight-up Norman Rockwell. Plus, you wouldn’t be the first to get lulled into thinking that what you did to accommodate your parents is just what families do, reflexively.
But they’re entitled to their own ways. Plus, some kids respond badly to disrupted routines and make their already tired parents pay dearly for it. (If your granddaughter did act out, would you be looking to register your concern and disappointment about that? It’s a fair question.)
So don’t repeat your mistake of deciding what you want and then expecting your son and his wife to deliver it, or else. Treat the problem of your disappointing visit as something for you to fix. Instead of taking offense, take the hint to respect the rhythms of their household, even if you don’t like the way they run it.
Context also is key. If you have friction with your son and/or daughter-in-law, or steep philosophical differences, or if there are health issues affecting you, your wife, the couple or the child, then, no park or library till you reckon with that.
Remember, too, they live far away, are balancing two jobs and child care (apparently) without local support, and took a path to parenthood that went through the wringer of a pandemic. The fastest way to become irrelevant to them is to make their lives even harder.
So I suggest you admit to your son you made assumptions before the visit that put them on the spot during it, and apologize. Then state your goal as getting to know your granddaughter on his and his wife's terms. Then work with the answer you get.
Before you bristle too hard to embrace this: Do you want to be relevant, or right? Flexibility fits in while offense sits fuming at home.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/14/carolyn-hax-grandparents-toddler-day-care/
*********************
3. Dear Amy: As an older male I have seen fundamental changes in all types of relationships. One change is a reduction in work ambition. Some people chose “quiet quitting” – to do as little as possible and still keep their job. I see “quiet quitting” in relationships as well, and my daughter has chosen to quietly quit her relationship with me. She seems happy to see me when we get together (rarely) and there is always a “love you” somewhere – but that’s it.
Her mother and I got divorced 15 years ago when my kids were teenagers. They lived with her full time. I know that my ex does her best to poison their relationship with me.
My daughter and her husband never proactively contact me or offer to get together, even though I live nearby. I suggest that they come to my home to celebrate my birthday – but it never happens. She and her husband had Easter dinner with her mother, but she didn’t even bother to give me a “Happy Easter” phone call.
She even had her mother give her away at her wedding, even though she and her fiancé made sure to visit me to get a substantial check for half the wedding cost. I have chosen to not only write her completely out of my will, but I will not leave any money to her new child. Instead, I will leave everything to my son. I will have multiple millions of dollars in my estate and as I take my last breaths in life I will have a sense of pleasure knowing how shocked she and her husband will be when my will is read.
– Dad in Name Only
Dear Dad: Your daughter seems happy to see you when she sees you. She tells you she loves you. To me, this sounds like a relationship that has some strains at the seams, but also room for growth.
If your ex has poisoned your daughter toward you, then – as her father – can’t you hold some compassion toward her? You seem to be blaming your daughter for a dynamic created by her mother’s behavior during an extremely important and emotionally formative time in a teen’s life.
You are obviously very hurt, but there are areas where you could work harder to try to knit together the shreds of this relationship. You could tell your daughter that you are sorry she and her brother endured a tough divorce. You could tell her that you would like to build a better relationship with her, now. You could express truthfully that you feel wounded because you would like to be closer, but you’re not sure how to go about it. You could ask if she is willing to try.
Furthermore, your attitude toward your baby grandchild is completely misplaced. What has this baby ever done to you? Your rage is not good for you. Furthermore, just to point out the obvious: You seem to be the quitter, here.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2823432?fs
One twin recently had a conflict with her, lying about an incident that never occurred, and now refuses to come and stay at the house. He continually hurts his mother by saying he will come, then changing his mind at the last minute.
A special occasion is fast approaching. My daughter-in-law insists on buying the same amount of gifts for each twin. He will certainly come to get his gifts.
I am really resisting giving the twins the same amount of gifts. I feel that one twin has made no effort to be part of this family for the past year and does not merit the same treatment as the other twin, who faithfully comes every weekend to be with his mother.
I do not want to hurt my daughter-in-law’s feelings, but if the absent twin gets treated the same by us all, then there will be no consequences to his behavior, which has been awful. Please help.
— Rock and a Hard Place.
Rock and a Hard Place.: You are not on the receiving end of this behavior, so they aren’t your consequences to attach.
And a 13-year-old acting this way does have some agency, but is also still a kid and is probably going through all kinds of emotional stuff. The last thing a troubled adolescent needs is someone else’s arbitrary, boundary-crossing kick to the shins as a “lesson” in being unloved.
So, no, I am not going to endorse an unequal-gift plan. Nor will I give you an atheist’s lecture on the parable of the prodigal son, but I will thank my Sunday school teacher of yore for driving home the power of love and forgiveness.
If you want to put this upcoming occasion to good use, then use it to embrace all members of this struggling family with arms as open as you can manage, literally or figuratively, whichever message of inclusiveness they’re willing to receive from you.
Try a little yoga beforehand, maybe, if you’re feeling tight.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/08/carolyn-hax-twins-equal-gifts/
2. Dear Carolyn: My wife and I live almost 900 miles away from our son, his wife and their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. Since we retired shortly after our granddaughter was born, our hope was to spend time with them at least four times a year. We recently stayed at their home and offered to take care of our granddaughter while they both worked. Our son insisted their daughter needed to go to day care to keep her in her routine and for socialization. We asked for only one day, but he said as the parent, his decision was final.
We were offended that we could not spend time going to a park, the library, and out for lunch so our granddaughter could get to know us a little better. We have decided to rethink our travel plans in the future as we feel that our presence in our granddaughter's life isn't that important to them.
To add injury to insult, we chose to live where we grew up so that both of our sons would have lots of interaction with both sets of their grandparents. Now we are being denied quality time with our granddaughter. How do we communicate our disappointment to the parents?
— Offended
Offended: As the last item on your agenda, I hope. If that.
Do you really want to lead with “disappointment"?
Before your trip, you had other good openers to discuss your grandpa role: your hopes of visiting often, your excitement at getting to know your granddaughter, your tentative plans for their review.
These are all still good options. Post-visit, though, your best opener is to express pride in how well they're raising their child. Trust me on this.
Pointing out how they failed you sets a terrible tone and precedent.
Maybe I’ve misread the situation; maybe you or your wife did involve your son in developing your plans. But the debris field after your expectations hit reality suggests you made assumptions along the way.
I do understand your hurt and surprise. A grandpa park outing is straight-up Norman Rockwell. Plus, you wouldn’t be the first to get lulled into thinking that what you did to accommodate your parents is just what families do, reflexively.
But they’re entitled to their own ways. Plus, some kids respond badly to disrupted routines and make their already tired parents pay dearly for it. (If your granddaughter did act out, would you be looking to register your concern and disappointment about that? It’s a fair question.)
So don’t repeat your mistake of deciding what you want and then expecting your son and his wife to deliver it, or else. Treat the problem of your disappointing visit as something for you to fix. Instead of taking offense, take the hint to respect the rhythms of their household, even if you don’t like the way they run it.
Context also is key. If you have friction with your son and/or daughter-in-law, or steep philosophical differences, or if there are health issues affecting you, your wife, the couple or the child, then, no park or library till you reckon with that.
Remember, too, they live far away, are balancing two jobs and child care (apparently) without local support, and took a path to parenthood that went through the wringer of a pandemic. The fastest way to become irrelevant to them is to make their lives even harder.
So I suggest you admit to your son you made assumptions before the visit that put them on the spot during it, and apologize. Then state your goal as getting to know your granddaughter on his and his wife's terms. Then work with the answer you get.
Before you bristle too hard to embrace this: Do you want to be relevant, or right? Flexibility fits in while offense sits fuming at home.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/14/carolyn-hax-grandparents-toddler-day-care/
3. Dear Amy: As an older male I have seen fundamental changes in all types of relationships. One change is a reduction in work ambition. Some people chose “quiet quitting” – to do as little as possible and still keep their job. I see “quiet quitting” in relationships as well, and my daughter has chosen to quietly quit her relationship with me. She seems happy to see me when we get together (rarely) and there is always a “love you” somewhere – but that’s it.
Her mother and I got divorced 15 years ago when my kids were teenagers. They lived with her full time. I know that my ex does her best to poison their relationship with me.
My daughter and her husband never proactively contact me or offer to get together, even though I live nearby. I suggest that they come to my home to celebrate my birthday – but it never happens. She and her husband had Easter dinner with her mother, but she didn’t even bother to give me a “Happy Easter” phone call.
She even had her mother give her away at her wedding, even though she and her fiancé made sure to visit me to get a substantial check for half the wedding cost. I have chosen to not only write her completely out of my will, but I will not leave any money to her new child. Instead, I will leave everything to my son. I will have multiple millions of dollars in my estate and as I take my last breaths in life I will have a sense of pleasure knowing how shocked she and her husband will be when my will is read.
– Dad in Name Only
Dear Dad: Your daughter seems happy to see you when she sees you. She tells you she loves you. To me, this sounds like a relationship that has some strains at the seams, but also room for growth.
If your ex has poisoned your daughter toward you, then – as her father – can’t you hold some compassion toward her? You seem to be blaming your daughter for a dynamic created by her mother’s behavior during an extremely important and emotionally formative time in a teen’s life.
You are obviously very hurt, but there are areas where you could work harder to try to knit together the shreds of this relationship. You could tell your daughter that you are sorry she and her brother endured a tough divorce. You could tell her that you would like to build a better relationship with her, now. You could express truthfully that you feel wounded because you would like to be closer, but you’re not sure how to go about it. You could ask if she is willing to try.
Furthermore, your attitude toward your baby grandchild is completely misplaced. What has this baby ever done to you? Your rage is not good for you. Furthermore, just to point out the obvious: You seem to be the quitter, here.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2823432?fs