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Some LGBTQ+ letters
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the mom of a 30-year-old, and widowed. I married my husband because we were friends, and I felt like it was expected (I grew up Catholic). I knew young that I was romantically interested in women and not men, but I didn’t want to be. It was hard, and I was uncomfortable with the whole topic, as was my husband. We did not talk about gay topics in my kid’s childhood; it was the 1990s!
Now, two years after my husband’s death, I’ve started dating a wonderful woman. My child has always been pretty liberal. I didn’t anticipate it causing any problems, but when I visited and came out, they bitterly accused me of lying their whole childhood, and then announced that they were trans and had been hiding it from me for a decade because of my attitudes when they were growing up.
I was shocked by the reception I got, and said some hurtful things.
It’s been two months, and we haven’t spoken since, even though I’ve reached out with emails/calls/texts. I feel like we have more in common than ever, and this is an opportunity to be honest and close together, but somehow, it’s the opposite. How do I move forward here when my own closeted pain in the 1990s is hurting my child today?
—Out and Sad
Dear Out and Sad,
It seems that the attitudes you expressed when your child was younger didn’t allow them to feel safe coming out to you as trans, and they are understandably hurt by that. Now that you’ve come out yourself, they are likely feeling as though you are a hypocrite. You (presumably) didn’t have positive things to say about LGBTQ people during a time when your kid really could have benefitted from hearing them, and now, you expect to be embraced as a member of the community. And when your child shared their identity and feelings with you, you responded with hurtful comments. With all this in mind, it stands to reason that they are going to need some time to make peace with your news, and with you.
Write a letter to your child, since they aren’t responding to calls and texts. You should apologize - perhaps again — for what you said to your child in wake of their reaction to you coming out. Let them know that you were surprised and that you wish you had responded differently. Talk about your own internalized homophobia and how difficult it was for you to live with this secret for so many years. Explain how your past attitudes about LGBTQ people were a reflection of that, and how you wish you could go back and do things differently so that your child would have always felt comfortable being honest with you about who they are. Let them know that you accept them without question and that you want to work to build a new relationship, one in which each of you can truly be themselves. Be thoughtful and intentional about your language; be sure not to misgender them and to use whatever name and/or pronouns they now prefer. Understand that it may take some time for them to come to terms with what they’ve learned about you and to reconcile their feelings about how you may have made them feel about their own identity in the past. Be patient with yourself, and with your child. Hopefully, this can turn into a beautiful season for your relationship, and you all can support each other significantly.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/coming-out-shock-care-and-feeding-advice.html
**********************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I (17F) identify as a lesbian and have for a few years now. I have come out to my parents, younger sister and one of my close friends. Coming out to my sister and friend went just about as well as it could have. They were both very supportive, non-judgmental and kind.
My parents, however, were a slightly different story. I came out to them when I wasn’t exactly ready for it, due to a combination of factors. They were very skeptical about whether what I was saying was true, and there was a strong “it’s just a phase” mentality. They were also somewhat upset that I had been “wasting time” by watching videos and reading articles about something that they consider to be irrelevant. For the record, I was never concerned that my parents were intensely homophobic and would kick me out of the house, but I didn’t know how accepting they would be. I would rate them as a tolerance/acceptance on the Riddle scale.
Since I talked to them (about a year ago), we’ve never spoken about homosexuality pertaining to me personally, but I am very vocal about my support of social movements like BLM and gay rights, and we’ve had non-confrontational discussions about it. It feels like my parents are willing to accept that other people can be gay, but not their own child. Coming from my parents, who have always been supportive of me, it hurts that they seemingly cannot come to terms with another part of my identity. My mom keeps comparing me to friends who have boyfriends and referencing a potential future husband, which is incredibly frustrating.
Other than this, I have a great relationship with my parents, and they fully support me in everything else. This is a few years down the line of course, but my relatively reserved, incredibly self-conscious self is terrified of introducing a future girlfriend to my parents. Is there anything I can do to make my parents a bit more accepting, or at least make me comfortable enough to stop referring to a future partner in gender-neutral pronouns?
—I Don’t Want a Husband!
Dear Don’t Want,
I know it may seem like there’s got to be something you can do to change how your parents are behaving, but it isn’t on you to fix their homophobia—nor is there any guaranteed way you could achieve that. Your parents have held their values for years and unfortunately, they aren’t where we’d want them to be on the Riddle scale: support, appreciation, nurturance. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t advocate for yourself to your parents. But I don’t want you to feel burdened with the responsibility of making them change, nor for you to feel that their inability to truly accept your sexuality has anything to do with you. This is all about your parents’ hang-ups, and how they’ve been influenced by their families and society over the course of their lives.
You can let your parents know that you want to talk to them again about what you shared last year, and that you are clear that this isn’t a “passing phase” for you. You can tell them directly that you want them to accept you for who you are, which means no longer making references to “future husbands.” You can remind them that you are the same person you’ve always been, and that nothing should change between you guys. Hopefully, they will see the error of their ways and work to truly embrace you fully. That’s what you deserve. But if your parents aren’t able to see past their beliefs and change, I don’t want you to feel like you failed.
I wish I had a more optimistic message, but it may be the case that you have to navigate your parents’ lack of acceptance until you are able to go out and live on your own. They may not be overtly hateful with their homophobia, but they might continue to refuse to acknowledge your truth. Your job is to take care of yourself as best you can, and to remember who you are, no matter what they say. If your parents never accept your identity, it is still valid and it is still yours. I hope the way forward is as smooth as possible.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/best-friend-secret-care-and-feeding.html
*********************
3. DEAR NATALIE: I have been with my wife for 37 years and I love our companionship, but there is something I’m really struggling with. We have not been intimate in a while, and emotionally, I feel as though we are like siblings – close family, who I love very much, but something is not right. My adult son recently came out as gay and I am so proud of him. She is having a hard time with this, because she has always hoped for children from him and a traditional family landscape. He is our only child. This is bringing up a lot for me. He told us he has been out to his friends for a lot longer, and I was not surprised by this. But what I was surprised by, is that as soon as he came out to us, I started to feel almost envious of him and his freedom to make the choices he wants based on his heart’s desire. Now, I’m not sure that I’m gay, but I feel there is something worth exploring here. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about this, and I’m not sure how my son would feel if I talked to him about it either. Help! – QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS
DEAR QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS: Before you talk to your wife or your son, I recommend you reach out to a therapist about this. If you have a part of you that needs to be unearthed and explored, it may be safer and more constructive to do it with someone who is a part of and who therapeutically works with the LGBTQIA+ communities. You may not know where this feeling came from, but the fact that your son’s self-actualization sparked something in your own spirit is enough of a reason to dig deeper. And let’s say that you discover, perhaps, that you are bisexual or gay. Then what? It will be important that you already have a support team in place so that you can work through how you may approach your wife. You have almost four decades together. That is important and meaningful and something to be proud of. Only you know what’s best for your own future, however, so take this one step at a time. Acknowledge yourself and who you need to be first. Then, focus on how your marriage may be impacted. Good luck to you.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2023/05/10
I’m the mom of a 30-year-old, and widowed. I married my husband because we were friends, and I felt like it was expected (I grew up Catholic). I knew young that I was romantically interested in women and not men, but I didn’t want to be. It was hard, and I was uncomfortable with the whole topic, as was my husband. We did not talk about gay topics in my kid’s childhood; it was the 1990s!
Now, two years after my husband’s death, I’ve started dating a wonderful woman. My child has always been pretty liberal. I didn’t anticipate it causing any problems, but when I visited and came out, they bitterly accused me of lying their whole childhood, and then announced that they were trans and had been hiding it from me for a decade because of my attitudes when they were growing up.
I was shocked by the reception I got, and said some hurtful things.
It’s been two months, and we haven’t spoken since, even though I’ve reached out with emails/calls/texts. I feel like we have more in common than ever, and this is an opportunity to be honest and close together, but somehow, it’s the opposite. How do I move forward here when my own closeted pain in the 1990s is hurting my child today?
—Out and Sad
Dear Out and Sad,
It seems that the attitudes you expressed when your child was younger didn’t allow them to feel safe coming out to you as trans, and they are understandably hurt by that. Now that you’ve come out yourself, they are likely feeling as though you are a hypocrite. You (presumably) didn’t have positive things to say about LGBTQ people during a time when your kid really could have benefitted from hearing them, and now, you expect to be embraced as a member of the community. And when your child shared their identity and feelings with you, you responded with hurtful comments. With all this in mind, it stands to reason that they are going to need some time to make peace with your news, and with you.
Write a letter to your child, since they aren’t responding to calls and texts. You should apologize - perhaps again — for what you said to your child in wake of their reaction to you coming out. Let them know that you were surprised and that you wish you had responded differently. Talk about your own internalized homophobia and how difficult it was for you to live with this secret for so many years. Explain how your past attitudes about LGBTQ people were a reflection of that, and how you wish you could go back and do things differently so that your child would have always felt comfortable being honest with you about who they are. Let them know that you accept them without question and that you want to work to build a new relationship, one in which each of you can truly be themselves. Be thoughtful and intentional about your language; be sure not to misgender them and to use whatever name and/or pronouns they now prefer. Understand that it may take some time for them to come to terms with what they’ve learned about you and to reconcile their feelings about how you may have made them feel about their own identity in the past. Be patient with yourself, and with your child. Hopefully, this can turn into a beautiful season for your relationship, and you all can support each other significantly.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/coming-out-shock-care-and-feeding-advice.html
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I (17F) identify as a lesbian and have for a few years now. I have come out to my parents, younger sister and one of my close friends. Coming out to my sister and friend went just about as well as it could have. They were both very supportive, non-judgmental and kind.
My parents, however, were a slightly different story. I came out to them when I wasn’t exactly ready for it, due to a combination of factors. They were very skeptical about whether what I was saying was true, and there was a strong “it’s just a phase” mentality. They were also somewhat upset that I had been “wasting time” by watching videos and reading articles about something that they consider to be irrelevant. For the record, I was never concerned that my parents were intensely homophobic and would kick me out of the house, but I didn’t know how accepting they would be. I would rate them as a tolerance/acceptance on the Riddle scale.
Since I talked to them (about a year ago), we’ve never spoken about homosexuality pertaining to me personally, but I am very vocal about my support of social movements like BLM and gay rights, and we’ve had non-confrontational discussions about it. It feels like my parents are willing to accept that other people can be gay, but not their own child. Coming from my parents, who have always been supportive of me, it hurts that they seemingly cannot come to terms with another part of my identity. My mom keeps comparing me to friends who have boyfriends and referencing a potential future husband, which is incredibly frustrating.
Other than this, I have a great relationship with my parents, and they fully support me in everything else. This is a few years down the line of course, but my relatively reserved, incredibly self-conscious self is terrified of introducing a future girlfriend to my parents. Is there anything I can do to make my parents a bit more accepting, or at least make me comfortable enough to stop referring to a future partner in gender-neutral pronouns?
—I Don’t Want a Husband!
Dear Don’t Want,
I know it may seem like there’s got to be something you can do to change how your parents are behaving, but it isn’t on you to fix their homophobia—nor is there any guaranteed way you could achieve that. Your parents have held their values for years and unfortunately, they aren’t where we’d want them to be on the Riddle scale: support, appreciation, nurturance. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t advocate for yourself to your parents. But I don’t want you to feel burdened with the responsibility of making them change, nor for you to feel that their inability to truly accept your sexuality has anything to do with you. This is all about your parents’ hang-ups, and how they’ve been influenced by their families and society over the course of their lives.
You can let your parents know that you want to talk to them again about what you shared last year, and that you are clear that this isn’t a “passing phase” for you. You can tell them directly that you want them to accept you for who you are, which means no longer making references to “future husbands.” You can remind them that you are the same person you’ve always been, and that nothing should change between you guys. Hopefully, they will see the error of their ways and work to truly embrace you fully. That’s what you deserve. But if your parents aren’t able to see past their beliefs and change, I don’t want you to feel like you failed.
I wish I had a more optimistic message, but it may be the case that you have to navigate your parents’ lack of acceptance until you are able to go out and live on your own. They may not be overtly hateful with their homophobia, but they might continue to refuse to acknowledge your truth. Your job is to take care of yourself as best you can, and to remember who you are, no matter what they say. If your parents never accept your identity, it is still valid and it is still yours. I hope the way forward is as smooth as possible.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/best-friend-secret-care-and-feeding.html
3. DEAR NATALIE: I have been with my wife for 37 years and I love our companionship, but there is something I’m really struggling with. We have not been intimate in a while, and emotionally, I feel as though we are like siblings – close family, who I love very much, but something is not right. My adult son recently came out as gay and I am so proud of him. She is having a hard time with this, because she has always hoped for children from him and a traditional family landscape. He is our only child. This is bringing up a lot for me. He told us he has been out to his friends for a lot longer, and I was not surprised by this. But what I was surprised by, is that as soon as he came out to us, I started to feel almost envious of him and his freedom to make the choices he wants based on his heart’s desire. Now, I’m not sure that I’m gay, but I feel there is something worth exploring here. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about this, and I’m not sure how my son would feel if I talked to him about it either. Help! – QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS
DEAR QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS: Before you talk to your wife or your son, I recommend you reach out to a therapist about this. If you have a part of you that needs to be unearthed and explored, it may be safer and more constructive to do it with someone who is a part of and who therapeutically works with the LGBTQIA+ communities. You may not know where this feeling came from, but the fact that your son’s self-actualization sparked something in your own spirit is enough of a reason to dig deeper. And let’s say that you discover, perhaps, that you are bisexual or gay. Then what? It will be important that you already have a support team in place so that you can work through how you may approach your wife. You have almost four decades together. That is important and meaningful and something to be proud of. Only you know what’s best for your own future, however, so take this one step at a time. Acknowledge yourself and who you need to be first. Then, focus on how your marriage may be impacted. Good luck to you.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2023/05/10