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Abusive families and partners
1. Dear Sahaj: I have been married to my second husband for 21 years. We both have children from our first marriages. We have a happy, loving and respectful marriage except for one infrequent but volatile issue. On a couple of occasions he has become very angry when my daughter allowed her middle and high school age children to miss a few school days for a family trip. She always notifies the school and asks for assignments, and all three are excellent students.
My daughter is a conscientious mom, and otherwise has a good relationship with my husband. We usually find out about their vacations through Facebook. His reaction is to yell about what a bad mother she is, insist that I tell her how wrong she is and basically order her never to do this again. He says that his own mother would have done just that. He has always had very strong opinions, shared by his parents, on how important education is, and how it is unacceptable to miss school, except for illness.
He can usually see the gray areas in life, but he insists this is right vs wrong. I agree with him that education is very important, but I think occasional exceptions for family travel are reasonable. He has a temper, is not flexible and can get really upset when things go wrong, but normally calms down after 20 minutes or so. He does not use insults or name-calling, walks away and does not hold a grudge afterward, which I appreciate.
He says that his family dealt with problems by arguing and yelling, and I know he is trying, mostly successfully, not to repeat that pattern. I do not like confrontation; my reaction has been to say quietly that it is her decision and then not engage further. Should I say more in the moment, e.g., that I would never tell him how to deal with his adult children, or that he and I have no authority to tell my daughter what to do? It bothers me when he accuses my daughter of being an unfit mother, and I regret that I have not defended her.
Frustrated Spouse: Regardless of how occasional these outbursts are, your husband’s reaction is explosive, and you need to have a larger conversation about it.
It may not be productive to talk to him in the moment, but you also do not have to silently sit through his anger or yelling. Maybe it’s not name-calling, but yelling at you for 20 minutes is not healthy, and clearly, he still has work to do on how he manages his emotions.
You are allowed to determine what you need when he gets angry. Maybe it’s having a code word that signals he needs to step away, or maybe it’s calmly telling him, “I’m not going to have a conversation with you about this when you’re yelling” and walking away. Decide what you are willing to accept and communicate it. No matter how self-aware he is of his past, or how easily he can move on after his emotional outburst, I imagine this still takes a toll on you.
Additionally, talking after he has calmed down will be important. Avoid making it a tit-for-tat (i.e. “I don’t tell you how to deal with your children”) because that will likely lead him to be defensive and could make the conversation unproductive.
Broach the conversation with a focus on your feelings as his partner. This allows you to explain how this makes you feel rather than debating who is right in how they parent. After all, the issue is less about parenting and more about communication. You want to move away from blame, use I-statements, and focus solely on what is between the two of you. This may sound like, “When you criticize my daughter, I feel like you are criticizing me as a parent.”
You’ll also want to explicitly address the difference in parenting styles you have. You could say something like, “It seems like we differ on our parenting approach. I value giving my daughter her independence to make choices on how she raises her kids. I understand that might be different from how you were raised. How can we agree to disagree and handle these differences?”
It’s possible your perspectives on your daughter’s parenting style will always differ. So it’s important that you both recognize there may not be a way to “solve” this, while having explicit, agreed upon rules on communication and emotional expression. This may require a firm boundary that your daughter’s parenting isn’t up for discussion.
You say you don’t like confrontation but your husband’s emotional outbursts are already one. Does your tendency to stay quiet through these outbursts indicate past experiences you should process? How was conflict resolution modeled to you growing up? You’re not responsible for doing the work for your husband, but by not addressing his behavior you lose an opportunity to build a bridge, and collaborate with him to navigate a recurring issue in your relationship.
I’ll also ask the questions you’re likely avoiding to keep the peace: How do his reactions make you feel? Are there other similar behaviors of his that also concern you? Does this criticism happen with anyone else? What do you need from your husband for this issue to feel resolved to you?
Advocating for yourself in the relationship doesn’t challenge your happy marriage, but rather it creates room for you in it. You can love your husband, and you can set boundaries around what you’re willing to tolerate from him.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/04/27/ask-sahaj-husband-yelldaughter-parenting/
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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I used to be with a guy who had some real anger issues. He never hit or otherwise physically abused me, but he would say super cruel things, not just to me, but to my friends, and even some of his own. They put up with it, but after a year, I said enough is enough, and I ended the relationship.
I just found out that my ex is now living with his latest girlfriend. I don’t know her personally, but she is good friends with my sister-in-law, who knows about how my ex behaved, and has told me she doesn’t think it’s her place to say anything to the new girlfriend about how he can act.
Even though I don’t know the girl personally, I can still reach out to her to let her know about how her boyfriend treats people. I truly believe he’s an abuser.
So, do I reach out to her, or let her learn the hard way, like I did? --- SOMEONE WHO KNOWS
DEAR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS: While your heart’s in the right place in wanting to forewarn your ex’s new girlfriend, I’m not sure anything would be accomplished by your contacting her to share your experiences with her boyfriend. It would most likely come off as you being either jealous of his new love interest, or that you’re a sore loser who’s aiming to spoil your ex’s chances with a new woman.
Next up, just because you found his behavior intolerable, his new girlfriend might have no issues with it, odd and disturbing as that may seem to you. Different strokes for different folks could be at work here.
Finally, although she’s expressed no interest in doing so, if it’s up to anyone to say something, it seems to me it would be more up to your sister-in-law than someone unknown to the new girlfriend. She’s friends with the woman, and is less likely to be seen as having a personal motivation for raising the subject.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/27
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3. Dear Annie: My husband and I recently had a heated argument because he threw away some things that I was going to send off to family. It escalated, and as I was trying to walk away, he grabbed me by the shoulders and roughly pushed me up against the wall ... somehow then (I think he kind of threw me, but everything happened really fast) I was hitting the floor and crying.
My friends all want me to go to the police. We have a 13-year-old son, and I don't know what to do.
I've always told myself that I would leave a man immediately if he put his hands on me, but now we have a teenage son, a house, etc.
If you wanted to ask, he hasn't done that before. He has had anger issues in the past, he has kicked one of my dogs, has blocked me from trying to leave a room and a few other things. -- Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused: You should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 immediately -- if not for you, then for your son.
Children who grow up in homes where one parent is abused are more likely to exhibit anxiety and risky behavior as teens. They are also at a greater risk of ending up in abusive relationships as adults. Don't put your son through this.
You also need to keep your own well-being in mind. This is not just a warning sign -- it sounds like you have already had a few of those -- it's a crime. You and your son should consider moving to someplace safe until your husband gets the treatment that he needs.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2810921
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4. Dear Amy: My boyfriend "Steve" and I have been together for over two years. He is extremely kind and generous to me. I can see a long-term future with him. Steve is divorced with three children, ages 5 (a son “A”), 7 (a daughter, “B"), and 9 (a son, “C"). He and his ex-wife have an acrimonious relationship, but have a loose agreement regarding the children. He gets the kids every other weekend and also sees them during the weekdays.
The issue is this: Steve openly favors the youngest, “A,” and is openly disdainful of the middle child, “B.” I have spoken to him repeatedly of the obvious favoritism and the mistreatment of his daughter, but he then accuses me of favoring her. When we get into arguments about the kids, he will blame the kids for me being upset and will punish them.
B recently confided in me that their mother threatened to take him to court if he didn't change his behavior toward them. B has told both me and her mother about this favoritism, but Steve will staunchly deny it, even though multiple people have brought it to his attention.
I am worried that if he doesn't start acknowledging the deeper issues and rectifying his relationship with his daughter, his ex will take him to court (rightfully so). I am also torn, wondering if I should stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility in conflict, particularly when it comes to his children.
– Conflicted Girlfriend in Tennessee
Dear Conflicted: No you should not stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility regarding conflicts, and who blames and punishes his children if you become upset.
Both of these parents seem quite flawed – for instance, using a 9-year-old to convey a message regarding pulling her father into court shows poor judgment on the mother’s part.
You are someone outside these family units who nonetheless has an inside view and a valid point of view regarding these children.
When pondering life in the longer term with this man, I’d like you to imagine the next 10 years with three children growing into challenging adolescent and teen years, with you trying to mediate on the kids’ behalf between two warring parents, with at least one of these parents unwilling to even consider altering his behavior, even when it threatens to harm his relationship with his family.
You should be with someone who is willing to co-parent through conflict, because when it comes to stepparenting, if you don’t work as a team, you don’t work.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2814928?fs
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5. DEAR ABBY: I'd like some advice about a family situation that has been going on for the entire 34 years of my marriage. My husband is not kind to my now-grown sons. He gives me the silent treatment for weeks over small disagreements. My eldest son visited us for my 75th birthday and, after receiving my spouse's cold shoulder, he informed me he won't be visiting again because of my husband's rude behavior.
I'm looking for a part-time job so I can pay off some bills and move out. I asked years ago that we put the house up for sale, divide the funds and go our separate ways. He said he'd burn down the house before he would allow me to get a penny from the sale.
I want to keep things calm, but I want to leave in another year with some proceeds from the sale of the house. We no longer sleep together and we talk less to avoid disagreements. I don't even want to cook for him, but I do it to avoid his negative reactions. What can I do? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR REACHED: Quietly consult an attorney and discuss the fact that you are in a very long, unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. Tell the attorney your husband has threatened to burn down the home you share (that's arson) if it must be sold so you can have the half of the community property to which you are entitled. The attorney can guide you in gathering information such as bank account numbers, credit information and investments, if there are any, so your husband will be less able to hide financial assets.
If you fear your husband might become violent, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help formulating a safe exit plan, and follow the instructions you are given. It's never too late to seek peace and happiness in your life, and I wish you luck.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2812893
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6. DEAR ABBY: My son married a woman who has isolated him from his family and friends. We were an incredibly close family until he married her. They have a 5-year-old daughter who has been out of our lives for some time and it breaks my heart. During the times they were in our lives, we were always criticized for everything we said and did, and my son never talked to us or saw us without his wife there.
He was very close to his sister growing up but no longer has anything to do with her. I know it breaks her heart that her brother and niece are no longer in her life. A friend suggested I write a journal to hopefully show my granddaughter someday so she will know we always loved and missed her and her dad. I worry about my son no longer having his family and friends in his life, but I'm not sure what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your idea of keeping a journal is a good one. But don't write in it hoping it will be seen by your granddaughter. Do it for yourself so you have an outlet into which you can pour the pain and frustration you are feeling. If you can't be with your grandchild, consider exploring opportunities in your community to mentor needy children, which can be rewarding not only for the children, but also for yourself.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2812893
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7. Dear Sahaj: My husband and I live in New York and adopted a puppy about a year ago. My in-laws hate dogs and insist we give up the puppy. I got along pretty well with them until now. We knew my mother-in-law doesn’t like dogs but we didn’t think it mattered much, since they visit us for 2-3 weeks a year and we planned to board our puppy. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law gets very upset when dogs come up, so we didn’t talk about our decision with her before getting the puppy. When we told her, my in-laws stopped talking to us or taking our calls. They sent us a message months later, saying that our relationship is broken, I manipulated my husband and that we were not transparent with them.
My mother-in-law has an instinctive hatred for dogs that seems like a phobia. My in-laws think it is mentally unhealthy for us to have any emotional connection to a nonhuman being and that we will become emotional addicts to dogs if we have one.
They want a relationship where I am the daughter-in-law who has entered their family, and they have the final say on important decisions. They insist that we should have 100 percent transparency with them with all our decisions and that there should be no boundaries.
They do not want us to assert ourselves and think that I, as the independent-minded daughter-in-law, am behind this. We are both in our mid-30s. I find this parent-child deference very stifling. Thankfully, my husband agrees. He hasn’t lived with his parents since age 15 and hasn’t been transparent with them because of this expectation to comply with their views. When he tells them this, they ignore him and say that I am the one stirring up the rebellion. I don’t want my husband to be estranged from his parents, but I also find it highly unreasonable that they are extending their hatred for dogs to our lives. How can I handle this delicate situation?
In The Dog House: Your in-laws are being unreasonable and are unwilling to respect your and your husband’s boundaries. While this seems like a question about your dog, it’s about much more than that.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change someone’s mind if they are set on misunderstanding you. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, as you want to feel accepted by your in-laws. I encourage you to grieve the relationship you may not have with them and find other sources to help process this.
In your question, I hear a struggle to accept the consequences of your decisions. If we are rooted in our own values, then usually it’s irrelevant what others think — as most of our decisions don’t impact them. But, in your case, your in-laws feel a (misplaced) sense of ownership and betrayal and are unable to navigate their emotions in healthy ways.
People who don’t handle their emotions often project them onto a scapegoat. Your in-laws won’t accept that their son is hurting or disrespecting them — as they see it — so it’s easier for them to pin that blame on you. In families where independence isn’t encouraged, children-in-law are often an “easy target” to explain why the family is changing.
Be mindful of how you may be internalizing the narrative that you are the problem. You are not the problem, and yet it would be easy to try to bend yourself backward to prove this to your in-laws.
Consider what specific boundaries you need to put in place to protect your mental health. This may be opting out of certain conversations with your in-laws to let your husband navigate them or pulling back on how much you share with them to avoid feeling criticized.
It’s important you and your husband continue to communicate openly with each other and stay on the same page. Your husband seems to be doing his part, so give yourself permission to differentiate between your responsibility and his. While you may care deeply and want to be involved, your husband needs to initiate and have these difficult conversations with his parents.
It’s also his responsibility to push for a new family dynamic. If he hasn’t already, ask him to be direct in shutting down conversations when his parents disrespect you, rather than trying to change their mind. This may sound like: “I won’t continue to have this conversation when you talk about [your name] like this.”
Hard and rigid boundaries may be the only way to handle your in-laws’ need for control, especially as it doesn’t seem like they are willing to budge. With that said, I know that it may not feel culturally-apt or like a desired option right now.
When people use the silent treatment, as your in-laws have, it is often because they are unable to tolerate the emotions coming up, so they withdraw. It’s also a form of manipulation to retain control. By stonewalling, your in-laws are shutting off any opportunity for repair. You may need to have a script you repeat until they are ready to act in ways that are acceptable to you. This may sound like: “I can tell you’re upset by this and we respect your need for space. It’s hurtful that you are ignoring us or are saying X.” Or, “I don’t feel like you care about what makes us happy.”
You and your husband have to decide what your bottom line is and what, if anything, you are willing to do to maintain the relationship with his parents. Repair would require both parties to want to reach a compromise, or one party to change their mind. You need to relinquish control over how this issue pans out. I empathize with not wanting your partner to be estranged from his parents, but ultimately, that choice isn’t yours to make.
When families start to outgrow the way they were functioning, it can take time for all members to adjust. We don’t get to decide how others behave; we can only control how we respond to and interact with them — or choose not to interact with them. Release yourself from managing the situation, and instead, focus on what you can control and enjoy your new puppy!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/03/02/ask-sahaj-in-laws-give-up-puppy-boundaries/
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8. DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is a college student. Mostly he does well in school, but this last semester was tough on him. He just told me that he dropped a class because he was doing poorly in it. I told my husband, and he hit the roof. He never dropped a class in college. Isn't that just lazy? On and on he went. I know my son isn't lazy, but he has been struggling. How can I help him manage his schedule better and keep my husband from going ballistic? -- Just One Class
DEAR JUST ONE CLASS: One thing college students come to learn is time management. Talk to your son about how he studies and what support he needs in order to succeed. Suggest that he speak to his career counselor to map out his graduation strategy if he hasn't done so already. What will he need to do in order to have enough credits -- and the right ones -- now that he has dropped that class? Encourage him to be proactive as he navigates this moment. Also, tell him he will need to be prepared to discuss this situation with his father, so get ready. Tell your husband exactly how the dropped class will affect your son's timetable and what your son is doing to stay on track. Then let it play out.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2812478
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9. DEAR HARRIETTE: I decided to give my husband a second chance after he and I went through a bad patch. I prayed on it and realized that I would rather recommit to him than whatever the alternative may be. The thing is, he hasn't done the same. He continues to bully me, chastise me and generally treat me like crap.
I realize that this is going to work only if we both make the commitment. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses. He is old-school in that way and believes that therapy is for weak people. In the meantime, he continues to do all of the things that bother me. I have generally spoken up about the way he interacts with me, but to no avail.
He didn't act like this when we first got together. But he sure does dig in his heels and act mean now. How do I keep a positive attitude when he is so negative? -- All Alone
DEAR ALL ALONE: Go to therapy for yourself. You cannot fix your relationship on your own; the two of you need to work on it together. But in therapy you may learn tools that will help you to show up differently that may inspire change in your husband. At the very least, therapy can help you look at your life and your choices to see how your thoughts and behaviors impact the way you interact with others, including your husband. It can be true that when people change their attitudes about a person or situation, the outcomes can change as well. Your behavior can potentially inspire your husband to show up differently. With professional help, see what you can inspire.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2809986
My daughter is a conscientious mom, and otherwise has a good relationship with my husband. We usually find out about their vacations through Facebook. His reaction is to yell about what a bad mother she is, insist that I tell her how wrong she is and basically order her never to do this again. He says that his own mother would have done just that. He has always had very strong opinions, shared by his parents, on how important education is, and how it is unacceptable to miss school, except for illness.
He can usually see the gray areas in life, but he insists this is right vs wrong. I agree with him that education is very important, but I think occasional exceptions for family travel are reasonable. He has a temper, is not flexible and can get really upset when things go wrong, but normally calms down after 20 minutes or so. He does not use insults or name-calling, walks away and does not hold a grudge afterward, which I appreciate.
He says that his family dealt with problems by arguing and yelling, and I know he is trying, mostly successfully, not to repeat that pattern. I do not like confrontation; my reaction has been to say quietly that it is her decision and then not engage further. Should I say more in the moment, e.g., that I would never tell him how to deal with his adult children, or that he and I have no authority to tell my daughter what to do? It bothers me when he accuses my daughter of being an unfit mother, and I regret that I have not defended her.
Frustrated Spouse: Regardless of how occasional these outbursts are, your husband’s reaction is explosive, and you need to have a larger conversation about it.
It may not be productive to talk to him in the moment, but you also do not have to silently sit through his anger or yelling. Maybe it’s not name-calling, but yelling at you for 20 minutes is not healthy, and clearly, he still has work to do on how he manages his emotions.
You are allowed to determine what you need when he gets angry. Maybe it’s having a code word that signals he needs to step away, or maybe it’s calmly telling him, “I’m not going to have a conversation with you about this when you’re yelling” and walking away. Decide what you are willing to accept and communicate it. No matter how self-aware he is of his past, or how easily he can move on after his emotional outburst, I imagine this still takes a toll on you.
Additionally, talking after he has calmed down will be important. Avoid making it a tit-for-tat (i.e. “I don’t tell you how to deal with your children”) because that will likely lead him to be defensive and could make the conversation unproductive.
Broach the conversation with a focus on your feelings as his partner. This allows you to explain how this makes you feel rather than debating who is right in how they parent. After all, the issue is less about parenting and more about communication. You want to move away from blame, use I-statements, and focus solely on what is between the two of you. This may sound like, “When you criticize my daughter, I feel like you are criticizing me as a parent.”
You’ll also want to explicitly address the difference in parenting styles you have. You could say something like, “It seems like we differ on our parenting approach. I value giving my daughter her independence to make choices on how she raises her kids. I understand that might be different from how you were raised. How can we agree to disagree and handle these differences?”
It’s possible your perspectives on your daughter’s parenting style will always differ. So it’s important that you both recognize there may not be a way to “solve” this, while having explicit, agreed upon rules on communication and emotional expression. This may require a firm boundary that your daughter’s parenting isn’t up for discussion.
You say you don’t like confrontation but your husband’s emotional outbursts are already one. Does your tendency to stay quiet through these outbursts indicate past experiences you should process? How was conflict resolution modeled to you growing up? You’re not responsible for doing the work for your husband, but by not addressing his behavior you lose an opportunity to build a bridge, and collaborate with him to navigate a recurring issue in your relationship.
I’ll also ask the questions you’re likely avoiding to keep the peace: How do his reactions make you feel? Are there other similar behaviors of his that also concern you? Does this criticism happen with anyone else? What do you need from your husband for this issue to feel resolved to you?
Advocating for yourself in the relationship doesn’t challenge your happy marriage, but rather it creates room for you in it. You can love your husband, and you can set boundaries around what you’re willing to tolerate from him.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/04/27/ask-sahaj-husband-yelldaughter-parenting/
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I used to be with a guy who had some real anger issues. He never hit or otherwise physically abused me, but he would say super cruel things, not just to me, but to my friends, and even some of his own. They put up with it, but after a year, I said enough is enough, and I ended the relationship.
I just found out that my ex is now living with his latest girlfriend. I don’t know her personally, but she is good friends with my sister-in-law, who knows about how my ex behaved, and has told me she doesn’t think it’s her place to say anything to the new girlfriend about how he can act.
Even though I don’t know the girl personally, I can still reach out to her to let her know about how her boyfriend treats people. I truly believe he’s an abuser.
So, do I reach out to her, or let her learn the hard way, like I did? --- SOMEONE WHO KNOWS
DEAR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS: While your heart’s in the right place in wanting to forewarn your ex’s new girlfriend, I’m not sure anything would be accomplished by your contacting her to share your experiences with her boyfriend. It would most likely come off as you being either jealous of his new love interest, or that you’re a sore loser who’s aiming to spoil your ex’s chances with a new woman.
Next up, just because you found his behavior intolerable, his new girlfriend might have no issues with it, odd and disturbing as that may seem to you. Different strokes for different folks could be at work here.
Finally, although she’s expressed no interest in doing so, if it’s up to anyone to say something, it seems to me it would be more up to your sister-in-law than someone unknown to the new girlfriend. She’s friends with the woman, and is less likely to be seen as having a personal motivation for raising the subject.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/04/27
3. Dear Annie: My husband and I recently had a heated argument because he threw away some things that I was going to send off to family. It escalated, and as I was trying to walk away, he grabbed me by the shoulders and roughly pushed me up against the wall ... somehow then (I think he kind of threw me, but everything happened really fast) I was hitting the floor and crying.
My friends all want me to go to the police. We have a 13-year-old son, and I don't know what to do.
I've always told myself that I would leave a man immediately if he put his hands on me, but now we have a teenage son, a house, etc.
If you wanted to ask, he hasn't done that before. He has had anger issues in the past, he has kicked one of my dogs, has blocked me from trying to leave a room and a few other things. -- Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused: You should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 immediately -- if not for you, then for your son.
Children who grow up in homes where one parent is abused are more likely to exhibit anxiety and risky behavior as teens. They are also at a greater risk of ending up in abusive relationships as adults. Don't put your son through this.
You also need to keep your own well-being in mind. This is not just a warning sign -- it sounds like you have already had a few of those -- it's a crime. You and your son should consider moving to someplace safe until your husband gets the treatment that he needs.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2810921
4. Dear Amy: My boyfriend "Steve" and I have been together for over two years. He is extremely kind and generous to me. I can see a long-term future with him. Steve is divorced with three children, ages 5 (a son “A”), 7 (a daughter, “B"), and 9 (a son, “C"). He and his ex-wife have an acrimonious relationship, but have a loose agreement regarding the children. He gets the kids every other weekend and also sees them during the weekdays.
The issue is this: Steve openly favors the youngest, “A,” and is openly disdainful of the middle child, “B.” I have spoken to him repeatedly of the obvious favoritism and the mistreatment of his daughter, but he then accuses me of favoring her. When we get into arguments about the kids, he will blame the kids for me being upset and will punish them.
B recently confided in me that their mother threatened to take him to court if he didn't change his behavior toward them. B has told both me and her mother about this favoritism, but Steve will staunchly deny it, even though multiple people have brought it to his attention.
I am worried that if he doesn't start acknowledging the deeper issues and rectifying his relationship with his daughter, his ex will take him to court (rightfully so). I am also torn, wondering if I should stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility in conflict, particularly when it comes to his children.
– Conflicted Girlfriend in Tennessee
Dear Conflicted: No you should not stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility regarding conflicts, and who blames and punishes his children if you become upset.
Both of these parents seem quite flawed – for instance, using a 9-year-old to convey a message regarding pulling her father into court shows poor judgment on the mother’s part.
You are someone outside these family units who nonetheless has an inside view and a valid point of view regarding these children.
When pondering life in the longer term with this man, I’d like you to imagine the next 10 years with three children growing into challenging adolescent and teen years, with you trying to mediate on the kids’ behalf between two warring parents, with at least one of these parents unwilling to even consider altering his behavior, even when it threatens to harm his relationship with his family.
You should be with someone who is willing to co-parent through conflict, because when it comes to stepparenting, if you don’t work as a team, you don’t work.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2814928?fs
5. DEAR ABBY: I'd like some advice about a family situation that has been going on for the entire 34 years of my marriage. My husband is not kind to my now-grown sons. He gives me the silent treatment for weeks over small disagreements. My eldest son visited us for my 75th birthday and, after receiving my spouse's cold shoulder, he informed me he won't be visiting again because of my husband's rude behavior.
I'm looking for a part-time job so I can pay off some bills and move out. I asked years ago that we put the house up for sale, divide the funds and go our separate ways. He said he'd burn down the house before he would allow me to get a penny from the sale.
I want to keep things calm, but I want to leave in another year with some proceeds from the sale of the house. We no longer sleep together and we talk less to avoid disagreements. I don't even want to cook for him, but I do it to avoid his negative reactions. What can I do? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR REACHED: Quietly consult an attorney and discuss the fact that you are in a very long, unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. Tell the attorney your husband has threatened to burn down the home you share (that's arson) if it must be sold so you can have the half of the community property to which you are entitled. The attorney can guide you in gathering information such as bank account numbers, credit information and investments, if there are any, so your husband will be less able to hide financial assets.
If you fear your husband might become violent, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help formulating a safe exit plan, and follow the instructions you are given. It's never too late to seek peace and happiness in your life, and I wish you luck.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2812893
6. DEAR ABBY: My son married a woman who has isolated him from his family and friends. We were an incredibly close family until he married her. They have a 5-year-old daughter who has been out of our lives for some time and it breaks my heart. During the times they were in our lives, we were always criticized for everything we said and did, and my son never talked to us or saw us without his wife there.
He was very close to his sister growing up but no longer has anything to do with her. I know it breaks her heart that her brother and niece are no longer in her life. A friend suggested I write a journal to hopefully show my granddaughter someday so she will know we always loved and missed her and her dad. I worry about my son no longer having his family and friends in his life, but I'm not sure what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your idea of keeping a journal is a good one. But don't write in it hoping it will be seen by your granddaughter. Do it for yourself so you have an outlet into which you can pour the pain and frustration you are feeling. If you can't be with your grandchild, consider exploring opportunities in your community to mentor needy children, which can be rewarding not only for the children, but also for yourself.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2812893
7. Dear Sahaj: My husband and I live in New York and adopted a puppy about a year ago. My in-laws hate dogs and insist we give up the puppy. I got along pretty well with them until now. We knew my mother-in-law doesn’t like dogs but we didn’t think it mattered much, since they visit us for 2-3 weeks a year and we planned to board our puppy. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law gets very upset when dogs come up, so we didn’t talk about our decision with her before getting the puppy. When we told her, my in-laws stopped talking to us or taking our calls. They sent us a message months later, saying that our relationship is broken, I manipulated my husband and that we were not transparent with them.
My mother-in-law has an instinctive hatred for dogs that seems like a phobia. My in-laws think it is mentally unhealthy for us to have any emotional connection to a nonhuman being and that we will become emotional addicts to dogs if we have one.
They want a relationship where I am the daughter-in-law who has entered their family, and they have the final say on important decisions. They insist that we should have 100 percent transparency with them with all our decisions and that there should be no boundaries.
They do not want us to assert ourselves and think that I, as the independent-minded daughter-in-law, am behind this. We are both in our mid-30s. I find this parent-child deference very stifling. Thankfully, my husband agrees. He hasn’t lived with his parents since age 15 and hasn’t been transparent with them because of this expectation to comply with their views. When he tells them this, they ignore him and say that I am the one stirring up the rebellion. I don’t want my husband to be estranged from his parents, but I also find it highly unreasonable that they are extending their hatred for dogs to our lives. How can I handle this delicate situation?
In The Dog House: Your in-laws are being unreasonable and are unwilling to respect your and your husband’s boundaries. While this seems like a question about your dog, it’s about much more than that.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change someone’s mind if they are set on misunderstanding you. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, as you want to feel accepted by your in-laws. I encourage you to grieve the relationship you may not have with them and find other sources to help process this.
In your question, I hear a struggle to accept the consequences of your decisions. If we are rooted in our own values, then usually it’s irrelevant what others think — as most of our decisions don’t impact them. But, in your case, your in-laws feel a (misplaced) sense of ownership and betrayal and are unable to navigate their emotions in healthy ways.
People who don’t handle their emotions often project them onto a scapegoat. Your in-laws won’t accept that their son is hurting or disrespecting them — as they see it — so it’s easier for them to pin that blame on you. In families where independence isn’t encouraged, children-in-law are often an “easy target” to explain why the family is changing.
Be mindful of how you may be internalizing the narrative that you are the problem. You are not the problem, and yet it would be easy to try to bend yourself backward to prove this to your in-laws.
Consider what specific boundaries you need to put in place to protect your mental health. This may be opting out of certain conversations with your in-laws to let your husband navigate them or pulling back on how much you share with them to avoid feeling criticized.
It’s important you and your husband continue to communicate openly with each other and stay on the same page. Your husband seems to be doing his part, so give yourself permission to differentiate between your responsibility and his. While you may care deeply and want to be involved, your husband needs to initiate and have these difficult conversations with his parents.
It’s also his responsibility to push for a new family dynamic. If he hasn’t already, ask him to be direct in shutting down conversations when his parents disrespect you, rather than trying to change their mind. This may sound like: “I won’t continue to have this conversation when you talk about [your name] like this.”
Hard and rigid boundaries may be the only way to handle your in-laws’ need for control, especially as it doesn’t seem like they are willing to budge. With that said, I know that it may not feel culturally-apt or like a desired option right now.
When people use the silent treatment, as your in-laws have, it is often because they are unable to tolerate the emotions coming up, so they withdraw. It’s also a form of manipulation to retain control. By stonewalling, your in-laws are shutting off any opportunity for repair. You may need to have a script you repeat until they are ready to act in ways that are acceptable to you. This may sound like: “I can tell you’re upset by this and we respect your need for space. It’s hurtful that you are ignoring us or are saying X.” Or, “I don’t feel like you care about what makes us happy.”
You and your husband have to decide what your bottom line is and what, if anything, you are willing to do to maintain the relationship with his parents. Repair would require both parties to want to reach a compromise, or one party to change their mind. You need to relinquish control over how this issue pans out. I empathize with not wanting your partner to be estranged from his parents, but ultimately, that choice isn’t yours to make.
When families start to outgrow the way they were functioning, it can take time for all members to adjust. We don’t get to decide how others behave; we can only control how we respond to and interact with them — or choose not to interact with them. Release yourself from managing the situation, and instead, focus on what you can control and enjoy your new puppy!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/03/02/ask-sahaj-in-laws-give-up-puppy-boundaries/
8. DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is a college student. Mostly he does well in school, but this last semester was tough on him. He just told me that he dropped a class because he was doing poorly in it. I told my husband, and he hit the roof. He never dropped a class in college. Isn't that just lazy? On and on he went. I know my son isn't lazy, but he has been struggling. How can I help him manage his schedule better and keep my husband from going ballistic? -- Just One Class
DEAR JUST ONE CLASS: One thing college students come to learn is time management. Talk to your son about how he studies and what support he needs in order to succeed. Suggest that he speak to his career counselor to map out his graduation strategy if he hasn't done so already. What will he need to do in order to have enough credits -- and the right ones -- now that he has dropped that class? Encourage him to be proactive as he navigates this moment. Also, tell him he will need to be prepared to discuss this situation with his father, so get ready. Tell your husband exactly how the dropped class will affect your son's timetable and what your son is doing to stay on track. Then let it play out.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2812478
9. DEAR HARRIETTE: I decided to give my husband a second chance after he and I went through a bad patch. I prayed on it and realized that I would rather recommit to him than whatever the alternative may be. The thing is, he hasn't done the same. He continues to bully me, chastise me and generally treat me like crap.
I realize that this is going to work only if we both make the commitment. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses. He is old-school in that way and believes that therapy is for weak people. In the meantime, he continues to do all of the things that bother me. I have generally spoken up about the way he interacts with me, but to no avail.
He didn't act like this when we first got together. But he sure does dig in his heels and act mean now. How do I keep a positive attitude when he is so negative? -- All Alone
DEAR ALL ALONE: Go to therapy for yourself. You cannot fix your relationship on your own; the two of you need to work on it together. But in therapy you may learn tools that will help you to show up differently that may inspire change in your husband. At the very least, therapy can help you look at your life and your choices to see how your thoughts and behaviors impact the way you interact with others, including your husband. It can be true that when people change their attitudes about a person or situation, the outcomes can change as well. Your behavior can potentially inspire your husband to show up differently. With professional help, see what you can inspire.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2809986
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LW1: The advice starts solid and then gets weird.
No, that gives him the chance to say no, no, baby, you're misinterpreting me, I'm only mad at your shitty kid. The script is "I will not listen to you criticize my daughter's parenting styles. Yell it into your pillow if you feel so strongly about it." Don't give him reasons he can argue with.
What? No! These are empty-nest adults, and their parenting styles are now irrelevant! The appropriate answer is "I value giving my daughter her independence to make choices on how she raises her kids. I understand that might be different from how you were raised. I am sorry this is hard for you. Yell it into your pillow if it gives you Weltschmerz."
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He needs anger management classes, and LW needs to stop putting up with his tirades.
2. Yeah, your ex's new girlfriend is not going to receive this message well. Your mutual friend should be the one to let her know, if she can manage to sound factual and concerned.
3. LW gives a very good example of how it is that people might not leave an abusive relationship - because it often ramps up slowly enough that they don't realize it is abusive until it's hard for them to figure out how to exit it.
Harming LW's pets is abusive not just to the pets, but to her. Blocking LW from leaving a room is abusive behavior. Those "few other things" were undoubtedly more of the same.
LW should be advised to leave for good. I like to believe that it is possible for people to change, even abusers... but it's better for their victims to act as though it isn't. LW should not consider returning even if he has undergone any number of treatments for his "anger issues".
4. First of all, don't stay with people who mistreat their kids. LW, if you feel personally close to the kids and are staying in this relationship because of them, talk to their mom and see if you can work something out.
Secondly, screw you, Amy. While I agree that asking children to carry messages is poor behavior, this is not an "equally bad parents" situation, especially since it sounds to me as though that child may have just overheard something or, at worst, was reassured that Dad is in the wrong.
5. LW, if he burns down the house he can go to prison and you can still sell the land. I honestly call that a win-win. After you call an attorney, call your son and see if you can stay with him while you sort this all out.
6. There are three options here. The first is that LW is completely right and DIL is abusive. The second is that LW is estranged because LW is terrible, and DIL has nothing to do with this. And the third is that Son went from an abusive natal family into an abusive marriage. There's just no way to tell... but I will say that I'm always suspicious of people who claim to know what other people are feeling. Exactly how does LW "know" this situation "breaks his sister's heart"? Even if the feelings are an obvious likelihood, I still find it all iffy.
7. The commenters are full of people trying to justify that MIL may have been hurt by a dog in the past or may be allergic to dogs and - no. The dog is not the issue. The issue here is that these people are emotionally manipulative and mistreat their son and his wife.
LW doesn't want Husband to be estranged from his parents, but that might actually be for the best. At any rate, it's not her fault, not in the slightest. She's not forcing them to cut off contact over this.
8. LW, it's not your job to "keep your husband from going ballistic". He's a grown man. He has a responsibility to manage his own emotions. Likewise, it's not your job to help your grown son manage his schedule - if, indeed, that's why he had to drop the class, which isn't at all clear to me. Son's explanation was that the class is too difficult. Well, okay, so the class was too difficult. Sometimes things are difficult.
LW, you need to tell your husband that you're not going to subject yourself to his tantrums anymore, and if this is not a one-off then you need to tell him also that either he learns a better coping mechanism or you're calling a divorce attorney. And otherwise, LW, you need to not put yourself in the middle of this issue except to reiterate that this is not a correct way to speak to other people.
9. Oh ffs what is this nonsense Harriette? LW, continue to go to therapy and also get a divorce.
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Possibly, yeah. I have a temper as well, and I also can have (non-violent, non-abusive) outbursts for which I apologize after cooling down, so I read it that way -- but in the context of this weird thing about daughter, it might be much worse than that.
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Their “parenting style” time has ended.
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8 is a case where the advice misses the obvious. Financial aid often has a minimum GPA requirement and failing a class will lower the son's GPA. If the son found the class was too hard then he did the sensible thing by dropping it. The father throwing a tantrum over it is far more concerning.
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If you fix yourself enough, LW, your husband may stop abusing you!
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Harriette is a menace.
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The hell did that come from? It wasn't "bio-mom told 9yo to tell bio-dad about court", it was the 9yo telling stepmom about stuff that concerned her.
7:
Laugh? Cry? Stare in bewilderment?
8:
Speaking as someone who had to drop out of a class [ochem], it doesn't mean he needs mom's help. Or nagging. I didn't, even though a) it meant no more premed and b) I was also needing to scramble to change majors at the time. If he's struggling he probably needs some help but it's not something parents can fix for him.
Nooooooo and no.
Let your son know you're available for help if he wants it, then respect his answer. Point out to your husband that dropping one class isn't about "laziness" and your son is learning how to fly, and also that going ballistic won't help and will just reduce your son's trust so he stops telling you stuff.
Your husband's anger isn't your fault but don't just sic him on your son...