Dear Abby: Husband Rebuffs Wife's Efforts to Join Conversation

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife and I went dancing with my friend "Dick" and his wife. While I was in the middle of a conversation with Dick, my wife kept trying to interrupt. She even laid her hand on my arm to try to get my attention. I ignored her and told her later she had been rude to try to interrupt my conversation. She thinks I disrespected her and our marriage by putting conversation with my friend above her. This happens often when the four of us are together.

Am I being insensitive to my wife's feelings? We frequently disagree, but we have been married 44 years. Your input would be appreciated. -- ALWAYS A LOVING HUSBAND

DEAR LOVING HUSBAND: It is generally considered rude to interrupt someone when he or she is talking. The next time your wife does it, stop and ask her what's so important. (Could it be that the band is playing your song?)

However, if you have been droning on with your buddy for a long time, she may simply be craving some attention. If that's the case, perhaps it would be better if you saw Dick on a one-to-one basis without the wives around. That way you won't be interrupted.

Comments

[cereta]

This is one in which I would reeeeaally love to hear another perspective (the wife's, Dick's, Dick's wife's, anyone's). It is possible that the wife interrupts every time husband and Dick try to exchange more than a few sentences with each other. It is also possible that LW and Dick use what are essentially double dates as their primary time to socialize with each other instead of a time for all four people to socialize/ two couples to spend time both together as a couple and with the other couple, if that makes sense. It is possible that the truth is somewhere between these extremes. In either event, other than her proposed response ("What's so important?" seems an awfully good way to create bad feelings/an awkward moment), I think Abby's advice is not bad: if this happens a lot, then the LW should probably socialize with Dick in a situation in which it's just the two of them, and focus on group conversation during group outings.

[azurelunatic]

"I ignored her" ... wow, dude.

[cereta]

Yeah, that...stuck out a bit.

[lone_lilly]

If you take your wife dancing but spend your time talking to your dude friend, you're doing it wrong.

Even if LW and his friend had planned to meet for drinks and his wife invited herself and then proceeded to continuously interrupt the conversation about something irrelevant, I still don't see a reasonable scenario where it's ok to ignore her. She's not arm candy. The LW went on a double date. It's not unrealistic for her to expect attention or to, you know, be part of the conversation. I wonder if the other wife is allowed to talk, or if it's only the LW's wife who doesn't know her place at these events.

[xenacryst]

I, too, would love to hear another perspective. But the picture LW paints sure isn't flattering to himself.

We went on an outing, the four of us, but then two of us got really deep into conversation and I told the person I've been married to for four decades to take a hike; well, not right then - right then I ignored her.

Really? Really? Is that how you think 4-way conversations ought to go? You say interrupting; what does she say - "I've got something to add to the conversation," or, "I'm really bored here," or, "can we get something to eat," or, "hey, I thought this was dancing and you've been sitting here in this booth talking to this Dick for an hour and a half and my feet are itching?"

But maybe she really is an airheaded chatterbox that interrupts your serious conversations with fluff. I mean, hey, stranger things have happened. In which case, sure, treat her like the arm candy that she is and ask her what's so important before telling her to stop it with the babble already.

[Why yes, I have taken sides already, why do you ask?]

I'd also be curious as to history and context here: "this happens often when the four of us are together." Why? What are the circumstances that make it so that the four of you being together and having her interrupt is such a prominent memory for you? Are you only able to see Dick when it's the four of you? Why is that? Or is there some performative aspect that you (or she, or he, or...) put on when it's the four of you that doesn't happen in other cases? What is it that makes the four of you together such a fraught situation?

[eleanorjane]

Looooove the way Abby manages to still make the wife sound unreasonable in the caveat para - "she may simply be craving some attention". This feels like a letter - and response - straight out of the 1950s.

Jesus fuck, everything about this is horrible.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah.

I recently encountered a situation between long-term partners that looked (at first glance) like the man neglecting the woman. It actually turned out to be the woman engaging in massive amounts of control and emotional abuse.

The specific phrase "What's so important" is a really dickish (sorry) phrase, but at least it would be him *asking* why she's trying to get his attention, instead of ignoring her. Since he doesn't seem to have been aware as to why she was pinging him.

[deird1]

If the wife is an adult, no doubt she's acquainted with the concept that it's rude to interrupt. Therefore, if she IS interrupting, she has clearly judged that what she's got to say is important enough to interrupt ANYWAY. In which case, maybe he could realise that his wife is an adult who understands social situations, and listen to her, rather than treating her like a child who needs to be taught to wait her turn.

[torachan]

Yeah, her response was pretty terrible. The LW really did not make himself sound sympathetic, and yet her response was totally "lol stupid wimmins, amirite?"

[neotoma]

... my first reaction is 'wow, you're a dick', and not actually a loving husband.

Seriously, the idea that there are four people at the table and only two of them are allowed to talk? Not right.

If you want to have a private conversation with your male friend, maybe not do it in front of both your wives and expect neither of them to want to join in? Men are allowed to spend time alone together, if they just want to catch up.