Dear Abby: Another unhappy would-be step-parent

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for more than a year. He has sole custody of his 10-year-old son, "Jordan." Because of our financial circumstances at the time, we moved in with each other right away. Jordan's mother is not in the picture and, unfortunately, I inherited her parenting responsibilities because of it.

Jordan is a sweet boy, but I have no emotional attachment to him. To be honest, I'm disappointed every time he walks in the door after school and I'm forced to stop what I am doing in order to care for him.

Abby, I thought I would become more attached to Jordan as time went on, but instead, I'm feeling resentful. I'm embarrassed to have made a commitment to this man and his son and to have ended up in this situation. I don't want to break up with the love of my life, but I don't want to sacrifice the next eight years of my life raising a child who isn't mine. Do you have any advice for me? -- CONFLICTED IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR CONFLICTED: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. If Jordan's father is really "the love of your life," you had better accept that he and his son are a package deal and treat the child with love. If you can't manage that, then do them both a favor and bow out of the picture NOW.

P.S. And because none of this is Jordan's fault, while you're packing, assure him that your leaving has nothing to do with him, only with you. It's the truth, and that way, he won't blame himself for something that's not his fault.

Comments

[neotoma]

Uhm, yeah. I mean, I'd suggest talking to a therapist to see if there is any way that Conflicted can actually develop feelings for the kid, but if they can't, then they can't, and they should not stay with the father because as stated, he's a part of a package deal with the kid. And the kid is going to be in his father's life for *all* of it, unless something terrible happens.

[madripoor_rose]

It boggles me that so many people don't seem to understand that you aren't marrying this person, you're joining a family.

[minoanmiss]

Instead of ranting, I'm going to go make sure my little roommates haven't kicked their covers off in their sleep, and kiss their foreheads.

[amireal]

This reminds me of one of those conversations people who don't want kids tend to have:

"But what if the man of your dreams wants kids?"

"Then he's obviously not the man of my dreams."

But it always shocks me how many people don't think to really examine your deal breaks early in the relationship so you don't wind up in this sort of situation. Then again, conflicted seems a bit selfish so I'm not shocked.