Dear Abby: My Boyfriend takes photos of strange women

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are mature adults who enjoy photography. He brings his camera when we go to the beach or sporting events -- even to the store. He's learning all the time about how to use light correctly and his zoom lens.

When we get back and I download the pics from his camera, the majority of shots are of women's chests, behinds and pretty faces. He has snapped many of them while they were standing right next to me. (There are very few shots of me -- ever.)

When I ask if he wants me to delete the photos, he says no. I don't understand why he would keep pictures of strangers. He says he's like any photographer -- he likes to review his photos. I tell him it hurts my feelings to think he enjoys looking at other women more than at me. It would be different if they were beautiful portraits, but they're not. It is painful that I'm not included. Am I wrong to feel unimportant and ignored? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR OUT: You are entitled to your feelings, and they may be justified. Because you identify this man as your boyfriend, I assume you have an exclusive relationship. There will always be women around who are younger and prettier. That's life. Because you can't control his taste in subjects, my advice is to quit downloading his pictures for him if they make you uncomfortable.

Comments

[cereta]

I am posting this because (a) I think Abby utterly failed to point out that boyfriend is taking pictures of unknowing women's body parts, and hey, that might just be inappropriate, and (b) because I was pleased that the comments on the site seemed to largely catch that omission.

I realize that on one level, that doesn't answer the LW's question, but the fact that boyfriend is violating other women's boundaries on a routine basis is something that I would find a big old red flag in a relationship, myself.

[xenacryst]

Holy creepsnakes, Batman. "Quit downloading them." Like, Abby, you do realize that taking oodles of pictures of women's body PARTS is, like, textbook example of creep behavior? I mean, as a photographer, I might cut him some slack if he were artfully arranging things and getting the lighting just right and, yanno, SIGNING A FUCKING MODEL RELEASE. There are plenty of ways to better your photography without taking crap-tastic pictures of people's parts without their knowledge and then throwing them in your partner's face.

As a photographer (of people, I might add), this dude's behavior disgusts me and pisses me the hell off. As a PERSON, it flips me right the heck out of orbit, and Abby's response is pretty much giving him blanket permission to go RIGHT ON being the disgusting creep that he is. He's violating people's boundaries all over the place, and you think that's just kinda ok? YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT.

"Quit downloading them." FUCK THAT NOISE. Get the hell out of that relationship, because it's clear he has NO value for you, or anyone else.

*spit* *foam*

I may have some strong feelings about this.

[cereta]

I think strong feelings are absolutely warranted.

[xenacryst]

And now that I've got most of the "violating people's boundaries without their knowledge or consent" behavior off my chest, I could go on about how the photography behavior LW describes is really not conducive to learning better technique. It's just fucking sloppy. But I'll lay off, because, really, what an inglorious creep.

[cimorene]

This is my reaction too. You might be able to just comfortably live with a partner noticing other people and finding them attractive - that's a common, normal relationship issue. But this is not that! Abby is doing the writer a huge disservice by acting like it is. This is a partner compulsively or obsessively taking and collecting creepshots, and it's a guy who is so lost to consent and so unaware of what's normal behavior that apparently it doesn't even occur to him to try to hide or excuse the behavior!

[sathari]

The dude is a creeping creeper who creeps.

Abby's response is APPALLING. This is not about a guy noticing women in passing and then, you know, getting on with his life. This is about a guy creeping on women, actively and consciously, and rubbing his partner's face in it. DTMFA.

[vass]

SIGNING A FUCKING MODEL RELEASE.

THIS.

As a photographer (of people, I might add), this dude's behavior disgusts me and pisses me the hell off. As a PERSON, it flips me right the heck out of orbit, and Abby's response is pretty much giving him blanket permission to go RIGHT ON being the disgusting creep that he is.

And that. all of it.