Annie fails to answer the actual question being asked

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My live-in girlfriend of 15 years, who is 12 years older, never wants to hang out with me and any of my friends. Even when I found friends closer to her age, she still does not want to do anything. When we first met, it was no problem, but throughout the years, she just wants to hang out with her father and me.

I would love to do dinners, birthdays and vacations with other people, but she just shows no interest. Should I go out with these other couples and friends and not feel bad since she's the one who is not interested? Is there anything I can do to try to get her to do something with my friends, or is it pretty much the way things are going to be? I just don't think it's normal behavior to never want to do anything with anyone. Please help. -- Seeking Social Time

Dear Seeking Social Time: Everyone has different needs when it comes to social time versus time spent alone. And it's not like your wife is antisocial -- she spends time with you and with her father, after all. Some people like to keep their circles small.

That said, friends and community are important to most people, and the fact that your wife has no interest in forming those connections could be a sign of depression. Encourage her to speak with a doctor or therapist to discover the root of why she doesn't want to form connections with the people around her. It is possible that if you tried couples therapy, you might reach a compromise that would be comfortable for both of you.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2749102

Comments

[conuly]

The question LW actually asked is "Can I go to parties without my wife?" and the answer is "Yes. You are married. You are not joined at the hip. It's actually not terribly healthy for you to only have 'couple friends', it's better for you each to also have your own lives."

Yes, LW also needs to know that "normal" is not a value judgment, but that it's possible that Wife is suffering from some mental health issues that are impairing her ability to form social connections - but that's additional to the question asked.

[castiron]

Yes, LW, you should go out with these other folks. Make sure you're still spending a decent amount of time with your partner, but if she's perfectly happy as a homebody, that doesn't require you to do the same.

"When we first met, it was no problem" -- it was no problem that she didn't want to hang out with your friends, or she was willing to hang out with your friends at first and that changed over the years?

[kiezh]

I agree that the answer is "yes, go do social stuff without her" but also "stop demanding that she share your tastes in friends and activities and pressuring her with guilt trips about how her boundaries are restricting YOUR social life."

LW is the worst possible person to raise the possibility of depression or therapy to their girlfriend, because they are already in full-on "introverts are dysfunctional and you should be more like me and want the things I want" mode and apparently have been for years. Any comments about depression are going to come off as more of the same. What LW needs to work on is learning to do the social stuff they like as an individual, respecting that GF has different needs and desires, and shutting the hell up about "normal behavior."

(Is it possible that GF is depressed and unhappily isolated? Sure. Many people are, especially in the Covid era! It's also possible that she has a thriving online social life that LW doesn't think really counts, or that she's one of nature's loners and needs lots of downtime to recharge from necessary Living in Society interactions, etc. LW cannot even conceive of other people being different and that being okay, so LW is not the right person to judge.)

[melannen]

She doesn't need to hang out with your friends, and you are allowed to do things without her (have you really gone fifteen years not doing anything without her? Avoiding your own friends? This seems unlikely, since you seem to have made new ones in that time.)

That said, if she really doesn't have friendly social contact with anyone but you and her father, and hadn't for years, you *should* encourage her to find some, or at least to get to know yours, or at least go out with co-workers once in awhile, even if she doesn't want to go to every hangout. She doesn't have to be a social butterfly but she needs more of a local support network than two people; she's likely to outlive at least one of you and just for practical reasons you should be encouraging her to have some kind of safety net-work beyond that.

[welcomingsong]

I do wonder if the pandemic is playing into this at all. I’m not hanging out with folks at the moment, and was perfectly happy to for many years before that. If caution is the cause, the answer may be a bit more complex.

“Through the years” isn’t precise enough for me to guess at timing and particularly the current motivations.

[shirou]

Your response makes me feel like I must have missed a paragraph. LW talks about how he wishes his girlfriend were more social, but he doesn't describe how he has discussed this with her.

[jadelennox]

am I the only one who's hella weirded out that Annie translated "live-on girlfriend of 15 years" to "wife"? It's not the point, but it's fucking rude.

--signed, jade "no mum, if he were my husband I'd have married him, it actually is annoying when you do that" lennox

[minoanmiss]

This was going to be the topic of my comment once I finished formulating it, so I will just cosign.

[bikergeek]

and remember, sign² + cosign² = 1.

(yes, that trig identity is still occupying a brain cell after 40 years.)

[ethelmay]

Yeah, that is a question. Also, does she have an online social life? Lots of people who aren't doing a lot of in-person socializing are in fact yakking with other people quite a bit.

[azurelunatic]

I am also irked by this! Marriage means things!

[minoanmiss]

Bwee

[lethe1]

LW hasn't, but Annie suggests they do: Encourage her to speak with a doctor or therapist to discover the root of why she doesn't want to form connections with the people around her.