agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: Over 40 years ago, I committed a significant crime. No one was physically hurt, but I scared the devil out of a small group of people. The crime was for financial gain, and I had planned it in advance. My wife knew and begged me not to do it, but I felt I had no other choice. My wife benefited from the proceeds of the crime and willingly spent the proceeds. I was never caught.

For 30 years we never spoke of this incident, as the memory was too painful for us both. Over the last 10 years, however, when she is very angry at me or is trying to force me to do something she wants me to do, she threatens to tell my adult children and our grandchildren about, "the kind of man you really are."

It is pure blackmail. Sometimes she says she will tell the whole story to the family in her own way after I am dead. I have never repeated any unlawful acts in all the time since and have shared a good life and, I believe, have made a positive contribution to many people through my work.

I have considered telling my children as truthfully and factually as I can, and have written and rewritten my confession many times to share with them. I have not sent that confession. It sits, password protected, on my hard drive. I think my adult children would understand and forgive. I cringe at the thought of my grandchildren knowing this.

Do you see any other way? If my wife finally tells this story, it will be embroidered with her perspective and 40-plus years of whatever she wants to bring to the story. Her temper is legendary.

What do you think I should do?

– Reformed

Dear Reformed: I think you should meet with a lawyer, deliver a full and accurate account of what you did, and discuss your options, including admitting this crime and making restitution to the victims or institution you harmed. (The statute of limitations for you to be prosecuted likely ran out decades ago.)

And then – yes – you should tell your family about this. Doing so will remove this episode from your wife’s bag of tricks. It would be best if you and your wife did this together – but that might not be possible. (In my opinion, you should make this confession in person – not via written document but perhaps reading from your document, if that makes it easier.)

You should acknowledge your wife’s opposition to your plan and take full responsibility for your actions. You should answer any questions and assure your children that you have done your best to lead an exemplary life since then. And then you should ask for their forgiveness. Ask for your wife’s forgiveness, too. Her attempts to blackmail you are deplorable, but – well, you started it.

A marriage counselor could help you to mediate residual personal or family issues related to your crime and confession.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2746552?fs

Threaded | Flat

Obviously they're both criminals - he did the "crime" part, and she's an accessory, and he'd definitely say that if she ever DID tell people, so she's bluffing.

With that said, he needs to confess, make restitution, and get a divorce. What is this "marriage counseling" garbage? Do not stay married to somebody with a "legendary temper" who's been threatening to expose you for 1/3 of your marriage! For a crime she shared in! I feel like this is true no matter how serious the crime is. She doesn't want to tell people what he did or she would have done it already. She just wants to remind him to feel bad. And maybe he should feel bad, but still - even really bad people don't deserve to be married to people who treat them like that.

I’m glad I don’t know either of Them ( at least I hope I don’t )

Yeah, I agree with the "Publish And Be Damned" part, if at all possible, where he gets out in front of the threats by talking to his family about it. But I don't necessarily agree with the "apologize to your vengeful co-conspirator" part...unless he thinks that some kind of time-traveling "I am so sorry I didn't listen to you in the first place when you begged me not to do it, you were right" would somehow defuse the base level of vengefulness.

Maybe if he really does try make amends by some kind of large financial restitution, she can regret her blackmail attempts because now it will cut into her life financially. But in any case, I look down on the blackmail much more than I do on the initial crime.

This story reminds me of Jean Valjean.

Edit: if he liked women.

Edited 2022-11-11 15:25 (UTC)

Please, please, please let this be D. B. Cooper.

Also yes, get divorced.

For fuck's sake, man, get a lawyer and figure out the nitty-gritties of confessing and making it right if you can, and then get a second lawyer and get a goddamned DIVORCE.

(Also, I love that the wife had no problem spending dude's ill-gotten gains.)

If no one was hurt,

and he hasn't reoffended,

I think society would be better served by him anonymously donating $$,$$$ or $$$,$$$ to charities especially charities that help homeless people or Drs Without Borders or climate change

than by him going to jail.

So I would say don't confess, but do make a massive donation to a good charity

I'm generally in favour of "confess the thing yourself to take away from the harmful spin someone else can do".

In this case, LW, pair it with making restitution however you can.

Accept that you did a crime and you could well lose principled people from your life because they're horrified, divorce the wife because if it wasn't this it'd be something else, and try to move on.