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agonyaunt2022-11-07 03:59 pm
Ask Evie: I'm a sucky friend and you're a sucky columnist, can I have sucky advice?
This is from Evie, Peter Thiel's women's magazine. Therefore the link is via Wayback, and the letter and advice are cut for transphobia.
Ask Evie: How Do I Handle Friendship Drama Over My Best Friend’s Pronouns?
READER’S QUESTION: “This friend of mine and I have known each other since 2015. We've bonded a lot throughout the years over music, TV shows, and books. But as of late, she's been involved in an on-and-off relationship with a toxic guy – and I don't use this word lightly – who's been toying with her feelings and mind. She knows what I think about him, and the funny thing is that she agrees with me. The reason why she won't break up with him is that she wants him to do that, so that he can't badmouth her and blame her. Moreover, she gave herself to him way too early, and despite her claiming otherwise, I strongly believe that ties into the difficulty of leaving him.
Over the same period of time, we had a discussion where she asked me to use another nickname for her as she claims to be non-binary. We've always been open about our contrasting socio-political views, and they never interfered with our friendship until now. I respect her way too much to lie to her, so I told her that I would call her whatever she wants as names can be legally changed, but I won't concede anything else, including pronouns. She replied that she was offended although she understood that we just had different views on the matter.
Since then, she decided to take some time off and not text me for a while. We had a very brief exchange yesterday, but I could sense something had changed. There's also her party coming up and I don't know whether to go or not. Moreover, I don't know what to do about our friendship. She's my best friend. I'm afraid this is just going to be one of the many discussions/fights we'll have about these topics. I would love advice on how to salvage our friendship and how to navigate this dark time in our relationship."
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EVIE’S ADVICE: The two hurdles you’re facing here are your friend’s toxic boyfriend and the non-binary issue, but the approach is the same: Tell the truth with love and be open to maintaining the friendship. There is no compassion in telling lies. No matter how much we love someone, we shouldn't lie to them to feed into their fantasies – and that includes gender theory. Although it may seem like a small disagreement where you could easily just go along with it to make her happy in the moment, things like these tend to multiply over time. Right now, it may just be pronouns, but if she sees you cave on this one issue, it could very well open the door to many more “accommodations” down the road. It may be hurtful to your friend (and even to you) in the short term to refuse to call her by different pronouns, but you're actually doing the best thing for her and you're acting out of true compassion and care, as well as respecting your own values and beliefs. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to be unkind, but it's not difficult to tell the truth while still being loving, and it seems like you've been able to accomplish that thus far.
In regard to her toxic boyfriend, it sounds like she agrees that she’s in an unhealthy relationship that she needs to get out of, but maybe she enjoys the drama of engaging in it or is having a hard time leaving because of her sexual experience with him. You’ve given her your perspective on the issue and you can let her know that you’ll be there for her if she chooses to leave and needs help, but at the end of the day, this is not your battle to fight. You can’t force your friend to break up with her boyfriend and if she doesn’t want your advice on the situation after you’ve told her your true feelings about him, we’d recommend you remove yourself from the situation. Don’t waste your time or energy asking about their relationship or trying to solve their problems if your friend isn’t taking your advice to heart.
The harsh reality is that you may very well lose this friendship (which is ok!). Like we've mentioned in a past Ask Evie, it takes two people to make a friendship work. It takes two people who are willing to respect each other's opinions and beliefs, and that doesn't mean caving to each other or demanding the other go with your perspective. That means seeing each other as more than your beliefs and being able to enjoy spending time with each other "in spite of" your differences. Some people are better at that than others. And sometimes people drift apart naturally throughout different seasons of their lives due to circumstances, locations, or even politics. We aren’t meant to be in everyone’s lives forever. You can try your best to salvage the relationship with her, but don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work out. For some people, having shared values or a similar perspective on life is essential for a friendship. If you do lose this friendship, you can rest easy at night knowing that you have done the right thing and acted in truth and love for your friend.
With that being said, you’re both grown-ups, which means this conversation really only needs to happen once. You can provide her with your stance, beliefs, and boundaries about both issues, as well as share how you care about your friend and are willing to stay friends, but there are some concessions you can't give. Additionally, you’re free to refuse to engage in the topic or an argument about it moving forward. You can calmly say something along the lines of "We've already discussed this, and my thoughts and feelings about it haven't changed, so I don't think we need to talk about it again."
Don't forget, we’re the sum of the five closest people we spend our time with, so if your friend seems to be going down this road that you can't align with, it may be better for the both of you at the end of the day to separate and live out your own values. Hopefully she is able to come around and realize that you love her and care for her deeply, but if she doesn't, don't take it personally and think that you did something wrong. It would have been wrong to lie to her and coddle behavior that is rooted in fantasy.
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I appreciate that you never call your friends "Mike" or "Jen" unless they get legally changed.
Also "There Is No Such Thing As a Legal Name", pronouns are not legally meaningful or binding, and multiple states allow you to change your sex on legal documents including your birth certificate, and I know I should not be getting annoyed at bad-faith transphobia when everyone here knows that they are bad-faith and meaningless sealion bullshit, but aaaaaaaaasargh.
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it all comes down to teleology for these people, though. Essentially they believe that we're born with male & female souls and thus destined to become men and women with innate 'complementary' roles (though the roles for women are all worse, naturally!)
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Better for whom, though - I'd say it's better for your friend, since they'll be leaving one toxic flaming bag of garbage behind, at least. I don't know enough about their boyfriend, other than your clearly slanted views to say whether that's also toxic, but regardless, do your friend a favor and fuck yourself off at your earliest opportunity.
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No matter how much we love someone, we shouldn't lie to them to feed into their fantasies – and that includes gender theory. Although it may seem like a small disagreement where you could easily just go along with it to make her happy in the moment, things like these tend to multiply over time. Right now, it may just be pronouns, but if she sees you cave on this one issue, it could very well open the door to many more “accommodations” down the road.
...
The harsh reality is that you may very well lose this friendship (which is ok!). Like we've mentioned in a past Ask Evie, it takes two people to make a friendship work. It takes two people who are willing to respect each other's opinions and beliefs, and that doesn't mean caving to each other or demanding the other go with your perspective.
Skipping a bunch of transphobic nonsense, before concluding sensibly.
We aren’t meant to be in everyone’s lives forever. You can try your best to salvage the relationship with her, but don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work out. For some people, having shared values or a similar perspective on life is essential for a friendship.
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Let’s not elide the slut shaming involved in Friend’s problems stemming from they “gave” themselves to BF “too early.”
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I KNOW RIGHT
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it's simultaneously not as bad as I made it sound, and much, much, MUCH worse. Technically it's not his magazine. But he's poured tons of money into it, as well as to the magazine editors' period tracking app, which encourages uses of the rhythm method and actively discourages genuine forms of birth control. Because they're, like, not cottagecore tradwifey enough.
I mean the fact that Thiel (1) is the king of intrusive surveillance tech and (2) has actively said that women getting the vote is the worst thing that happened to america only makes it worse, right?
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🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
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And omg right??? God, the levels of fucked-up there. Even that euphemism - as if you GIVE YOURSELF to someone you have sex with, wtaf
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LW's "friend" would be far better off ditching the LW.