I don't trust LW's account enough to guess if the daughter-in-law is really behaving badly*, but I'm absolutely sure LW is. From the non-apology to the litany of "I've done X things for her, how DARE she be offended by anything I say!" to responding to being told to "leave her entirely and completely alone" with "I am no longer certain I want to pursue a relationship with her." (Like, that's not your call? She's already nixed it. We are past the point where you have that option!)
That list of things she's done for her son's new family, which we don't know if they asked for... I have that song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend playing in my head now, argh. Anyway. That kind of list is a red flag in itself, to me. If you really have a close, fun relationship with a family member, are you totting up every hour and dollar spent on them? Are you keeping mental accounts of every time you have ever been inconvenienced on their behalf? And that list is LW's evidence that DIL isn't allowed to be offended by anything she said, which it has nothing to do with at all. Hosting someone over the holidays or babysitting their kids does not grant a blank check for making nasty jokes about them; accepting favors from family doesn't mean ceding the right to ever tell them off if they overstep.
*The speedy marriage does seem potentially suspect, but hiding it from LW maybe not, if the siblings knew. I wonder if there were medical or legal reasons to be Married Right Away? Freaking out over one's spouse hugging a cousin is a very bad look, but again, I wonder if that was actually why, given that LW is very invested in presenting daughter-in-law as being Randomly Offended.
Anyway, if DIL is ALSO a terrible person and the son (where is he in all this, anyway? does he have any opinions? any agency?) has gone from weird manipulative mom to weird manipulative wife, what LW should do is back off, don't make things worse, let the sibling(s) he actually talks to take point on being his support people, and be ready to be kind and NON-JUDGEMENTAL if he ends up having a nasty divorce at some point.
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That list of things she's done for her son's new family, which we don't know if they asked for... I have that song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend playing in my head now, argh. Anyway. That kind of list is a red flag in itself, to me. If you really have a close, fun relationship with a family member, are you totting up every hour and dollar spent on them? Are you keeping mental accounts of every time you have ever been inconvenienced on their behalf? And that list is LW's evidence that DIL isn't allowed to be offended by anything she said, which it has nothing to do with at all. Hosting someone over the holidays or babysitting their kids does not grant a blank check for making nasty jokes about them; accepting favors from family doesn't mean ceding the right to ever tell them off if they overstep.
*The speedy marriage does seem potentially suspect, but hiding it from LW maybe not, if the siblings knew. I wonder if there were medical or legal reasons to be Married Right Away? Freaking out over one's spouse hugging a cousin is a very bad look, but again, I wonder if that was actually why, given that LW is very invested in presenting daughter-in-law as being Randomly Offended.
Anyway, if DIL is ALSO a terrible person and the son (where is he in all this, anyway? does he have any opinions? any agency?) has gone from weird manipulative mom to weird manipulative wife, what LW should do is back off, don't make things worse, let the sibling(s) he actually talks to take point on being his support people, and be ready to be kind and NON-JUDGEMENTAL if he ends up having a nasty divorce at some point.