minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2016-09-15 04:29 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2016-09-15 04:29 pm
Ask Amy: Woman creeped-out by family member’s come-on
Q. After a recent family gathering, I received a series of disturbing e-mails through Messenger on Facebook from my brother-in-law of 19 years.
First, he stated that he would like to “talk apart from family gatherings” because he wanted to “get more of a feel for who you are as a person.”
At first I thought that was nice, but he then went on to state that there is more to life than “constant surveillance, restriction, etc.,” noting that “everyone needs a safety valve sometimes.”
He later noted, “I have carte blanche from my wife to do whatever I want, as long as I don’t bring home any surprises.”
Even though he implored me not to “blab it around town,” I’ve shared this with two women friends and my husband.
They all think, as do I, that it’s a pick-up, and very odd and strangely aggressive.
I, for one, am trying to figure out how I led him to think this would be OK with me.
His wife (my sister-in-law) is an angel, but is fiercely protective of him. I think she would just be mad at me and my husband if I told her. I have not responded at all to these messages, however, there will be family gatherings this fall and now I don’t know how to behave. Can you make any suggestions? Perhaps I’m reading this incorrectly?
Bewildered
A. You should make two assumptions: That this is a come-on, and that you have not done anything to lead this man on.
Your brother-in-law is being rude, ridiculous, and disrespectful.
You should respond to him (not his wife), saying, “I find these messages very unwelcome and would appreciate it if you would direct your attention away from me. I see you as a family member, along with your wife, and I don’t wish to communicate privately with you.”
If he continues (other than to acknowledge receiving your message), and certainly if he ramps up his aggression, you should screenshot his communication and forward it to his wife.
First, he stated that he would like to “talk apart from family gatherings” because he wanted to “get more of a feel for who you are as a person.”
At first I thought that was nice, but he then went on to state that there is more to life than “constant surveillance, restriction, etc.,” noting that “everyone needs a safety valve sometimes.”
He later noted, “I have carte blanche from my wife to do whatever I want, as long as I don’t bring home any surprises.”
Even though he implored me not to “blab it around town,” I’ve shared this with two women friends and my husband.
They all think, as do I, that it’s a pick-up, and very odd and strangely aggressive.
I, for one, am trying to figure out how I led him to think this would be OK with me.
His wife (my sister-in-law) is an angel, but is fiercely protective of him. I think she would just be mad at me and my husband if I told her. I have not responded at all to these messages, however, there will be family gatherings this fall and now I don’t know how to behave. Can you make any suggestions? Perhaps I’m reading this incorrectly?
Bewildered
A. You should make two assumptions: That this is a come-on, and that you have not done anything to lead this man on.
Your brother-in-law is being rude, ridiculous, and disrespectful.
You should respond to him (not his wife), saying, “I find these messages very unwelcome and would appreciate it if you would direct your attention away from me. I see you as a family member, along with your wife, and I don’t wish to communicate privately with you.”
If he continues (other than to acknowledge receiving your message), and certainly if he ramps up his aggression, you should screenshot his communication and forward it to his wife.
no subject
I'm glad the LW informed her husband since this is either his brother or sister's husband, and I like Amy's advice, but I think the LW's husband should be involved too. This is his family and affects him just as much. The LW should not carry the burden of telling her S-I-L alone. I hope he's by her side if it comes to that.
19 years, though!
no subject
I posted this in part to see if anyone would defend the BIL, and if so how, since this comm's readership contains many interesting perspectives.
no subject
a) When the person being propositioned is known to the partner, the partner needs to provide verification that it's legit.
b) Doing that sort of thing within family ties? ASKING FOR TROUBLE. HOW ABOUT DON'T.
c) Assuming that someone who is in a relationship that appears to have exclusivity requirements would be up to be propositioned? Uh. No. You ask politely whether this relationship happens to have non-exclusivity conditions.
d) When you know the other partner, it's a party foul against them as well.
e) "don't blab it around town", with the implication that telling trusted friends is the same as putting it on a billboard, is a not-so-subtle indication that it's not legit.
And of course f) HOLY ESCALATING CREEPBALLS, YOU DON'T KEEP DOING THAT IF SOMEONE APPEARS DISINTERESTED.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Indeed; that doesn't sound like the behavior of someone who does have those permissions.
My SO knows that I am willing to verify our specific relationship status as needed, and hitting on an in-law is a time when verification would be needed if legit.
no subject
no subject
I agree with the other commenters that the LW's husband should be involved since the creep is married to his sister. It's good that the LW has already told her husband about the messages. I'm actually impressed that the husband is waiting for the LW to decide what she wants to do. If my wife came to me with a problem with this, I would want to immediately confront my brother-in-law, and waiting would take a lot of self-restraint.
no subject