Kiezh ranted so I don’t have to, so I’ll just say: this is an abusive jerk for whom anything out of the ordinary is something to “discipline” out of being a problem. Must’ve been real fun to live with. Her adult daughter is trying way harder than she deserves to communicate with her. I wish she’d take it as the offering it clearly is.
To the LW’s daughter: Hey, go you. I’ve found that using jargon like “regulate” tends to turn people off, and just saying things like, “Give me a minute” gets better reactions, but like, it’s not a major issue.
To the LW: It’s interesting; when you are given the chance to understand your daughter better, to have more fulfilling conversations with someone who is now better able to understand herself, you reject it because it’s not fitting your expectations and because it’s not getting you what you want.
I have questions about your focus, because you don’t compliment your daughter at all; there’s no mention of what she was like as a kid, and no discussion of what she was like to live around, other than talking about disciplining her. Were there any hints of this as a kid? Think about that, because if this came out of the blue, it certainly should be making you think about how observant you were.
My advice on how to talk to her? Listen when she says she’s not getting what you’re saying. Give her space. When she goes back to previous things you said in the conversation, roll with it. It will, after all, mean that you’re having better conversations with her, where you have fuller understanding between each other. Try and work with the kinds of “different” things she’s doing, because they’re not coming from nowhere, and while they’re new, she’s trying to show you new things she’s discovering about herself. Exploring these new things with her will take you further than being defensive. Ask yourself: is your pride worth alienating your child over?
no subject
To the LW’s daughter: Hey, go you. I’ve found that using jargon like “regulate” tends to turn people off, and just saying things like, “Give me a minute” gets better reactions, but like, it’s not a major issue.
To the LW: It’s interesting; when you are given the chance to understand your daughter better, to have more fulfilling conversations with someone who is now better able to understand herself, you reject it because it’s not fitting your expectations and because it’s not getting you what you want.
I have questions about your focus, because you don’t compliment your daughter at all; there’s no mention of what she was like as a kid, and no discussion of what she was like to live around, other than talking about disciplining her. Were there any hints of this as a kid? Think about that, because if this came out of the blue, it certainly should be making you think about how observant you were.
My advice on how to talk to her? Listen when she says she’s not getting what you’re saying. Give her space. When she goes back to previous things you said in the conversation, roll with it. It will, after all, mean that you’re having better conversations with her, where you have fuller understanding between each other. Try and work with the kinds of “different” things she’s doing, because they’re not coming from nowhere, and while they’re new, she’s trying to show you new things she’s discovering about herself. Exploring these new things with her will take you further than being defensive. Ask yourself: is your pride worth alienating your child over?