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agonyaunt2022-09-28 09:51 am
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-09-28 09:51 am
Dear Prudence: Help! I Made Some Difficult Choices With My Wedding Party. My Friends Are Not Happy.
Q. Too Much Love for One Wedding: I’m getting married in a few weeks and my partner and I decided to do a joint wedding party because we’re queer and we’ve been together for so long, there’s a lot of friend overlap. For a medium-sized wedding, we’ve got 12 members in our wedding party.
There are a few friends who I love dearly but who didn’t make the final list. Most of it was just arbitrary, 12 feels big to me and we needed to make a cutoff. These friends aren’t coming to me upset or with accusations about it, but based on conversations, I think they’re feeling left out. We’re doing a welcome party for just friends and we’re doing drinks the day after for people still in town, but of course, it doesn’t work for everyone’s travel plans. There are also friends who we didn’t invite to the wedding at all because of venue capacity, waiting to get RSVPs from family, etc.
Any suggestions on how to let these people know I love them even if they’re not in the wedding party? Any suggestions for the people who weren’t invited at all? Not entirely sure what etiquette standards are expected or how to do right by people, while being upfront and accountable that we did make these decisions.
A: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: My strong belief is that very few people are dying to be in a wedding party. When all is said and done, it can cost THOUSANDS of dollars, involves wearing something you didn’t choose, and makes you organize at least one day (maybe closer to five days) of your life around making someone else feel special, putting your own needs and preferences on the back burner. I feel the same way about weddings. They’re cool and can be a nice time! But especially after a certain age, they’re not exactly a blast. There are a lot of other ways to spend a weekend day, doing what you want and eating what you want, sitting at a table with people you actually know.
Also! Most people have had a wedding, been in a wedding, or been close to someone who had a wedding. Everyone gets it. It is no secret that tough decisions have to be made when it comes to the guest list and wedding party, and that many people who are liked and even loved aren’t included. As a bride or groom it’s easy to get caught up in thinking your wedding is as important and emotional to other people as it is to you, and the vast majority of the time, it’s simply not.
That said, you say you’ve heard people are feeling left out so I will believe you. I don’t suggest explaining to them directly why they weren’t included or apologizing unless they confront you. That’s just awkward. And God forbid you give a whole sob story to someone who doesn’t actually care. Instead, you can just kind of spread the word that you would have loved to invite more people or have a larger wedding party but could not.
So whenever you have a chance, on social media or in real life, picking what feels right for the audience, casually toss out one of these statements:
—“We’re having a smaller wedding than we planned.”
—“We have a lot of relatives and couldn’t invite all of our close friends.”
—“We wish we could have included more people—it’s just so expensive and we’ve had to make tough choices.”
—“We are lucky to have so many close friends. Really everyone invited could have been a member of the wedding party so we just chose people we’ve known the longest.”
—“Wedding planning has been hard! If we could do it again we’d choose a bigger venue so that we could invite all of our loved ones…”
Then just be at peace with the fact that you did the best you could and that involved making decisions that excluded some and included others. In my opinion, you’ve done more than enough, especially with the extra events. You might slightly shift your mindset to, “People who feel entitled to be a part of our wedding are a little unreasonable.” And hey, a lot of people have trouble digging up a second or third bridesmaid. The fact that you have such a robust social circle is great. You and your spouse should go into your marriage grateful to be part of a community full of people who are apparently chomping at the bit to spend their Saturday celebrating you.
There are a few friends who I love dearly but who didn’t make the final list. Most of it was just arbitrary, 12 feels big to me and we needed to make a cutoff. These friends aren’t coming to me upset or with accusations about it, but based on conversations, I think they’re feeling left out. We’re doing a welcome party for just friends and we’re doing drinks the day after for people still in town, but of course, it doesn’t work for everyone’s travel plans. There are also friends who we didn’t invite to the wedding at all because of venue capacity, waiting to get RSVPs from family, etc.
Any suggestions on how to let these people know I love them even if they’re not in the wedding party? Any suggestions for the people who weren’t invited at all? Not entirely sure what etiquette standards are expected or how to do right by people, while being upfront and accountable that we did make these decisions.
A: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: My strong belief is that very few people are dying to be in a wedding party. When all is said and done, it can cost THOUSANDS of dollars, involves wearing something you didn’t choose, and makes you organize at least one day (maybe closer to five days) of your life around making someone else feel special, putting your own needs and preferences on the back burner. I feel the same way about weddings. They’re cool and can be a nice time! But especially after a certain age, they’re not exactly a blast. There are a lot of other ways to spend a weekend day, doing what you want and eating what you want, sitting at a table with people you actually know.
Also! Most people have had a wedding, been in a wedding, or been close to someone who had a wedding. Everyone gets it. It is no secret that tough decisions have to be made when it comes to the guest list and wedding party, and that many people who are liked and even loved aren’t included. As a bride or groom it’s easy to get caught up in thinking your wedding is as important and emotional to other people as it is to you, and the vast majority of the time, it’s simply not.
That said, you say you’ve heard people are feeling left out so I will believe you. I don’t suggest explaining to them directly why they weren’t included or apologizing unless they confront you. That’s just awkward. And God forbid you give a whole sob story to someone who doesn’t actually care. Instead, you can just kind of spread the word that you would have loved to invite more people or have a larger wedding party but could not.
So whenever you have a chance, on social media or in real life, picking what feels right for the audience, casually toss out one of these statements:
—“We’re having a smaller wedding than we planned.”
—“We have a lot of relatives and couldn’t invite all of our close friends.”
—“We wish we could have included more people—it’s just so expensive and we’ve had to make tough choices.”
—“We are lucky to have so many close friends. Really everyone invited could have been a member of the wedding party so we just chose people we’ve known the longest.”
—“Wedding planning has been hard! If we could do it again we’d choose a bigger venue so that we could invite all of our loved ones…”
Then just be at peace with the fact that you did the best you could and that involved making decisions that excluded some and included others. In my opinion, you’ve done more than enough, especially with the extra events. You might slightly shift your mindset to, “People who feel entitled to be a part of our wedding are a little unreasonable.” And hey, a lot of people have trouble digging up a second or third bridesmaid. The fact that you have such a robust social circle is great. You and your spouse should go into your marriage grateful to be part of a community full of people who are apparently chomping at the bit to spend their Saturday celebrating you.