Dear Abby: My wife sleeps. A lot.

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate for 25 years. We get along great -- she's my best friend and a good mother to our three kids. (She takes care of my mom who lives with us, too.) The only problem is, she loves to sleep.

She will do anything for us except wake up a few hours early without being mad at the world. She gets our kids off to school with no problem, but then returns to bed. I run a small construction company and need someone to answer the phones and do secretary stuff. Our books are a mess, the house is decent, but she won't let me hire a part-time secretary.

She gets up at noon and spends the rest of the day "catching up." It's driving a wedge in our marriage. My friends and their wives do things together on weekends, but not mine. She sleeps until 2 or 3 p.m. on the weekends.

I work a lot of Saturdays, and when I go to customers' homes and see the wife outside gardening, it breaks my heart. I have threatened to leave, and she works on it for a couple days and then falls back into the same old habits. Help! -- HURTING HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HUSBAND: Not everyone requires the same amount of sleep in order to function. Some folks may be fine with five hours, but others need eight, nine or even 10. If your wife needs more than that, there may be an underlying problem of some kind that she should discuss with her doctor.

In marriage there needs to be compromise. If you are experiencing stress because you don't have enough help in your business, then you need to hire someone because your wife is already doing all she can taking care of three kids and your mother. And you shouldn't need her permission.

Comments

[cereta]

Answer the first: sleep study, sleep study, for God's sake sleep study. I can't tell you how many people I know, myself included, have disordered sleep of one kind or another. If she's had one and you didn't mention it, LW, shame on you. I realize that as small business owners, you may not have great insurance, but if your wife is taking care of the kids AND your mother, then figuring this out needs to be a priority. If it's truly not feasible, then at least acknowledge that it may be beyond her control.

Second...there are so many red flags here that I can't pin down how I feel. I'm naturally inclined to be sympathetic to a mother* who is getting her kids "off to school with no problem," keeps the house at least "decent" (come to mine on a bad week, friend), and is taking care of his mother in the bargain. And the, "I have threatened to leave" sets my hackles up - well, dude, would you be taking mom with you? Paying child support on top? But I acknowledge that this is a bias of mine, and may be coloring my lenses a lot, here.

What I can't parse is, "she won't let me hire a secretary." So many questions. First, what does she say? What reasons does she give? Can you not afford it? Or does she just perceive that? Does she feel guilty about not doing the job you clearly expect her to do? Is she not giving a reason? What is going on in that little independent clause? I suspect the answer to what I can't pin down is right there.

*As I sit here typing this at 4:30AM because my kid had a nightmare, and I having snuggled her back to sleep, I can't get back to sleep myself, did I mention sleep disorders?

[deird1]

Does she have some sort of medical issue?

It sounds like this guy thinks his wife is sleeping as a hobby, which is just ridiculous. Have some empathy, dude!

[recessional]

I am just . . . made of "needs moar info."

Because like I can see other people's werp red flag! reactions, but on the other hand I can also see where it's just the guy not being great at expressing himself. I seem to have slightly more experiences than a lot of comm members with it being women who are the pathological agents in a situation, so when I see "won't let me hire a part-time secretary" the possibility that this is her genuinely refusing to go with that option even if it is a possibility seems equally plausible to them not having the money etc. (Potential reasons running from embarrassment and hurt pride thru "but he will fall in love with her and leave me" thru it really IS that they're not making enough money, but she's panicked that this will become apparent for whatever reason [including totally harmless ones like "but he'll get so stressed!", mind! I'm not actually suggesting wrongdoing] and so keeps the books obscure to hide that.)

Likewise I can see where people are getting the "performative Wifing" thing, but on the other hand I hone in more on "my friends and their wives do things together on weekends" - if he's working thru the week and IS the only source of income and then hits the weekend and it seems to him that his wife would rather sleep than spend any time with him . . . well, frankly, I'd be messed up by that, too. (Actually I'd be totally destroyed by that, lbr).


I do totally immediately jump to "there is something medical wrong", though. Depression, anemia, hypothyroid, the list goes on and on. On the other hand our culture is so fucked up about this shit it's entirely possible that neither of them has any idea that hypersomnia is an indicator of potential medical trouble: the narrative is SO "it's just laziness" that hell, it took me years to come to terms with it not mattering HOW MUCH I wanted to do something or wanted to "discipline" myself into it, if I didn't have the right physiological treatment for the depression's Massive Screaming Fatigue, it wouldn't happen, and I have so many factors that other people just don't when it comes to knowing any of this stuff.

(My inclination is honestly hypothyroid or depression, just because those are the two that to me so clearly fit the pattern of "can get kids off to school, then goes back to bed.")

I am also 100% behind "she has enough to do taking care of three kids and his mom". 100%. But on the other hand if it really is her being the block to hiring the secretary, just doing it over her head may make EVERYTHING. EXPLODE. in ways that are just too epic to describe. And whether that's the issue is something that's totally based on, what are her other behaviours? What ELSE is going on that either he's oblivious to, or they both just have no way of knowing are signals of illness vs "just personality clash" or whatever?

So it's all . . . NEEDS MOAR DATA? What's there just makes me go " . . .this could be going either way."

[madripoor_rose]

Okay, three kids, care of his mother, apparently takes care of the books for his business and does the housework. And he's surprised she needs to sleep in on weekends.

What a prince.