But it also feels weird to me that the leap was to it being somehow His Fault that she's doing the books at all, given what I know of the above.
I just reread the comments here, mine and others, and I don't see that statement. FWIW, I agree with you on the secretary, and disagree with Abby on that part -- I said I think LW's wife needs to change her mind about that, which includes that LW absolutely shouldn't go over her to hire one.
I could ... I could spend all night trying to write a reply to this that would get across the nuances of my position, and I should not. I actually am close to a situation which is a lot like this with genders reversed (wife works for pay, husband does not) and the response from those who know about it has not been the one you predict here. I have had a relationship fall apart because my then-SO had ADHD and could not keep track of our dates, and that definitely hurt. And I'm not even going to get into my own history with my own and others' mental and other chronic illnesses, and I just deleted several lines of text about same and about my emotional reaction to feeling I need to prove I have such history. Because, not actually the topic at hand.
But I will say this. You've said that in your experience the LW's wife's behavior looks like "women (multiple) who actively took their illnesses as a clear pass to abandon any effort they didn't want to make bar what they'd established as their bare minimum, and then get mad at people when that had consequences and accuse them of being horrible ablist monsters. " I've certainly known both men and women who have done this. But the pattern that the LW's wife brought to *my* particular mind was that of women I've known who were overwhelmed by childrearing and caring for other family members, who felt guilty and sad towards and/or unsupported by partners who were unsympathetic to and dismissive of their workload. Globally, it could be an interesting discussion about the different patterns different people have seen and how these contribute to how we judge the situations in these letters and elsewhere.
I don't think I can do that right now, though, between aforementioned emotional reaction and the fact that my damn back really hurts.
no subject
But it also feels weird to me that the leap was to it being somehow His Fault that she's doing the books at all, given what I know of the above.
I just reread the comments here, mine and others, and I don't see that statement. FWIW, I agree with you on the secretary, and disagree with Abby on that part -- I said I think LW's wife needs to change her mind about that, which includes that LW absolutely shouldn't go over her to hire one.
I could ... I could spend all night trying to write a reply to this that would get across the nuances of my position, and I should not. I actually am close to a situation which is a lot like this with genders reversed (wife works for pay, husband does not) and the response from those who know about it has not been the one you predict here. I have had a relationship fall apart because my then-SO had ADHD and could not keep track of our dates, and that definitely hurt. And I'm not even going to get into my own history with my own and others' mental and other chronic illnesses, and I just deleted several lines of text about same and about my emotional reaction to feeling I need to prove I have such history. Because, not actually the topic at hand.
But I will say this. You've said that in your experience the LW's wife's behavior looks like "women (multiple) who actively took their illnesses as a clear pass to abandon any effort they didn't want to make bar what they'd established as their bare minimum, and then get mad at people when that had consequences and accuse them of being horrible ablist monsters. " I've certainly known both men and women who have done this. But the pattern that the LW's wife brought to *my* particular mind was that of women I've known who were overwhelmed by childrearing and caring for other family members, who felt guilty and sad towards and/or unsupported by partners who were unsympathetic to and dismissive of their workload. Globally, it could be an interesting discussion about the different patterns different people have seen and how these contribute to how we judge the situations in these letters and elsewhere.
I don't think I can do that right now, though, between aforementioned emotional reaction and the fact that my damn back really hurts.