There’s a big cultural divide here too. I’m white but grew up in Asia and everyone else in my immediate family is Asian plus a lot of extended family. Filial piety is expected but it definitely is meant to be mutual. Neglectful parents who are self reliant in retirement are better than neglectful parents who want to also live off you in retirement, but those parents would get talked about hard for living so far from their children and not helping them financially if they have the resources.

I think the in-laws are also receiving care from the LW, that it’s not a one way street either. They likely expect to grow old with the help of their family, and they’ve put in the resources of time and money to do that.

It’s definitely a choice, but it’s a choice with consequences- you live four hours away and didn’t build a relationship with me as a kid, young adult or now and you want access to my kids when it suits you? Tough. These are what we’d call holiday relatives - you see them at the big events only.