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Letters on caregiving and dementia
I don't know, it was a weird theme this past week.
1. DEAR NATALIE: My father-in-law has always been a difficult person to deal with. He is in the early stages of dementia and has become even more challenging to be around. On top of this, he needs a different level of care and we aren’t yet in a position to move into a supportive living space. My sister-in-law (who lives out of state) thinks that he should live with us. My husband agrees, but I am hesitant. He has never liked me and with his dementia, he is often mean to me. I want to be a team player, but I’m not ready to give up my life to take care of him. My husband thinks I am being selfish. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think this is fair to me or to our three children. What do you think?
- Difficult Times
DEAR DIFFICULT TIMES: Families can be hard to navigate as is – but throw in a devastating disease like dementia and emotions can run even higher. I don’t know what your financial situation is – or your father-in-law’s – but maybe there is a middle ground here. Would he qualify to be at an adult care facility during the day? What does his insurance cover in terms of care? You may have some hard decisions to make in the future. If he were to live with you, can your sister-in-law and her husband chip in financially to take some of the burden off of you? Would you be able to utilize a care facility at some point? What does that timeline look like? If you knew he was going to live with you for one year (as opposed to indefinitely) would that make this easier? Having a plan and working with a social worker on this may help. You also need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband if you haven’t already about how you are feeling. Let him know why you are hesitant, how you worry this will impact you and your family, and what you are both willing to do to make this work.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2022/09/14
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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law has dementia, and she recently suffered a massive stroke. She is not doing well. We have hired around-the-clock care for her and are even paying my husband’s sister to lend an extra hand.
As my mother-in-law’s condition worsens, my sister-in-law and the nurse we hired have had to take on more responsibility. Understandably, we had to up the nurse’s pay in order to keep her. My sister-in-law found out about this and is now demanding higher pay as well. I can’t understand why she feels entitled to a raise for taking care of her own dying mother. She is not my mother, but I am paying out of pocket to make sure she is receiving the best end-of-life care that she can get. Are we wrong for refusing to pay her more? -- Selfish Sister-in-Law
DEAR SELFISH SISTER-IN-LAW: Tensions fly high during times like this. Do your best not to lash out at your sister-in-law -- even though it may seem as if she is not looking at the big picture. If possible, it would be good for your husband, her brother, to speak to her. If not, it will be your job. What she needs to understand is that now is the time for everyone to do their part. For whatever reason, she has enough spare time right now to care for her mother. That is the way that she can be present and support her in her last days. Of course it is hard, but that is what her station in life calls for right now.
You and your husband have the monetary resources to allow you to pay for professional support for this period. That can be exorbitantly expensive. If that nurse were not there, it is unlikely that your sister-in-law would be able to properly care for your mother. Remind her of these things.
Point out that you all love her mom, and everyone is serving a different role. Her contribution is time. Yours and your husband’s is financial -- and hopefully some time, too. Refresh her memory that you are already giving her money for her time, but resources are limited. Ask her to understand where everyone is and to stay the course. Thank her profusely for her support of her mother.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/09/07
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3. Dear Annie: My brother and I are in our early 50s, and our mom has dementia. Our personal lives could not be more different. I have kids and have been married for 25 years. I returned to the workforce full time five years ago after having been a stay-at-home mom. My brother is a newlywed of three years, no kids, and works on big projects for his line of work. He also has had some gaps between projects.
My brother is adamant that our mom not live in a nursing home, so he took her in about three months ago.
Prior to that, we shared caretaking in Mom's home for about nine months, but we knew we couldn't sustain it. We found ourselves leaving our spouses and children. Our work suffered, and we were exhausted. Now my brother has gotten overwhelmed and told me he is tired of doing more than me, which I acknowledge because she lives in his house.
His wife won't come out to greet me when I visit to get my mom every weekend, and my brother will only communicate by text furiously -- if at all. He is physically exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and seeing a doctor for anxiety and depression. He angrily confronts me (on text) and accuses me of being the cause of his anxiety, and then in front of our mom pretends he hasn't accused me of awful things. He won't meet with me and says he wants a mediator to work out what to do. I have said I will not have her move in because I know I cannot handle it -- emotionally or logistically.
There is bad history between my mom and me, and while I have mostly put it aside to assist, I know I cannot handle her in my home. I did take her in (pre-dementia), and it took a toll on my well-being, and I felt unable to take care of my kids and myself ultimately.
I have to say no to taking on the care of my mom. How do I live without feeling terrible when my brother has called me evil and demands more of me than I have to give? -- Good Mom, Wife, Friend, and Evil Daughter and Sister
Dear Good Mom: Why did you sign your letter "Evil Daughter and Sister"? You are a wonderful daughter, trying the best you can. It sounds like you and your brother have differing opinions on what is in the best interest for your mother and her health. You both want what's best for her and need to get on the same team. Perhaps you should meet with a mediator, as your brother proposed, and if you are dissatisfied with the meetings, you might seek a professional doctor who can best advise as to what would help your mother live the best life she possibly can.
As for your brother blaming you for his depression and anxiety, that is unfortunate. He is clearly hurting and needs professional treatment.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2719316
1. DEAR NATALIE: My father-in-law has always been a difficult person to deal with. He is in the early stages of dementia and has become even more challenging to be around. On top of this, he needs a different level of care and we aren’t yet in a position to move into a supportive living space. My sister-in-law (who lives out of state) thinks that he should live with us. My husband agrees, but I am hesitant. He has never liked me and with his dementia, he is often mean to me. I want to be a team player, but I’m not ready to give up my life to take care of him. My husband thinks I am being selfish. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think this is fair to me or to our three children. What do you think?
- Difficult Times
DEAR DIFFICULT TIMES: Families can be hard to navigate as is – but throw in a devastating disease like dementia and emotions can run even higher. I don’t know what your financial situation is – or your father-in-law’s – but maybe there is a middle ground here. Would he qualify to be at an adult care facility during the day? What does his insurance cover in terms of care? You may have some hard decisions to make in the future. If he were to live with you, can your sister-in-law and her husband chip in financially to take some of the burden off of you? Would you be able to utilize a care facility at some point? What does that timeline look like? If you knew he was going to live with you for one year (as opposed to indefinitely) would that make this easier? Having a plan and working with a social worker on this may help. You also need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband if you haven’t already about how you are feeling. Let him know why you are hesitant, how you worry this will impact you and your family, and what you are both willing to do to make this work.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2022/09/14
2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother-in-law has dementia, and she recently suffered a massive stroke. She is not doing well. We have hired around-the-clock care for her and are even paying my husband’s sister to lend an extra hand.
As my mother-in-law’s condition worsens, my sister-in-law and the nurse we hired have had to take on more responsibility. Understandably, we had to up the nurse’s pay in order to keep her. My sister-in-law found out about this and is now demanding higher pay as well. I can’t understand why she feels entitled to a raise for taking care of her own dying mother. She is not my mother, but I am paying out of pocket to make sure she is receiving the best end-of-life care that she can get. Are we wrong for refusing to pay her more? -- Selfish Sister-in-Law
DEAR SELFISH SISTER-IN-LAW: Tensions fly high during times like this. Do your best not to lash out at your sister-in-law -- even though it may seem as if she is not looking at the big picture. If possible, it would be good for your husband, her brother, to speak to her. If not, it will be your job. What she needs to understand is that now is the time for everyone to do their part. For whatever reason, she has enough spare time right now to care for her mother. That is the way that she can be present and support her in her last days. Of course it is hard, but that is what her station in life calls for right now.
You and your husband have the monetary resources to allow you to pay for professional support for this period. That can be exorbitantly expensive. If that nurse were not there, it is unlikely that your sister-in-law would be able to properly care for your mother. Remind her of these things.
Point out that you all love her mom, and everyone is serving a different role. Her contribution is time. Yours and your husband’s is financial -- and hopefully some time, too. Refresh her memory that you are already giving her money for her time, but resources are limited. Ask her to understand where everyone is and to stay the course. Thank her profusely for her support of her mother.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/09/07
3. Dear Annie: My brother and I are in our early 50s, and our mom has dementia. Our personal lives could not be more different. I have kids and have been married for 25 years. I returned to the workforce full time five years ago after having been a stay-at-home mom. My brother is a newlywed of three years, no kids, and works on big projects for his line of work. He also has had some gaps between projects.
My brother is adamant that our mom not live in a nursing home, so he took her in about three months ago.
Prior to that, we shared caretaking in Mom's home for about nine months, but we knew we couldn't sustain it. We found ourselves leaving our spouses and children. Our work suffered, and we were exhausted. Now my brother has gotten overwhelmed and told me he is tired of doing more than me, which I acknowledge because she lives in his house.
His wife won't come out to greet me when I visit to get my mom every weekend, and my brother will only communicate by text furiously -- if at all. He is physically exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and seeing a doctor for anxiety and depression. He angrily confronts me (on text) and accuses me of being the cause of his anxiety, and then in front of our mom pretends he hasn't accused me of awful things. He won't meet with me and says he wants a mediator to work out what to do. I have said I will not have her move in because I know I cannot handle it -- emotionally or logistically.
There is bad history between my mom and me, and while I have mostly put it aside to assist, I know I cannot handle her in my home. I did take her in (pre-dementia), and it took a toll on my well-being, and I felt unable to take care of my kids and myself ultimately.
I have to say no to taking on the care of my mom. How do I live without feeling terrible when my brother has called me evil and demands more of me than I have to give? -- Good Mom, Wife, Friend, and Evil Daughter and Sister
Dear Good Mom: Why did you sign your letter "Evil Daughter and Sister"? You are a wonderful daughter, trying the best you can. It sounds like you and your brother have differing opinions on what is in the best interest for your mother and her health. You both want what's best for her and need to get on the same team. Perhaps you should meet with a mediator, as your brother proposed, and if you are dissatisfied with the meetings, you might seek a professional doctor who can best advise as to what would help your mother live the best life she possibly can.
As for your brother blaming you for his depression and anxiety, that is unfortunate. He is clearly hurting and needs professional treatment.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2719316
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Tell your husband that you'll pay for him to get a studio apartment and live with his dad there. Then you won't have to do any of the caregiving, and hubby can get all that quality father-son time.
Letter 2: You and your husband have the monetary resources to allow you to pay for professional support for this period. That can be exorbitantly expensive. If that nurse were not there, it is unlikely that your sister-in-law would be able to properly care for your mother. Remind her of these things.
Well, then I guess that woman's son would have to take care of her. My god, how DARE this woman ask to be adequately compensated for taking care of her mother, a difficult task which either counts as a second (or third!) shift or keeps her from engaging in independent paid employment entirely?
3.I have to say no to taking on the care of my mom. How do I live without feeling terrible when my brother has called me evil and demands more of me than I have to give?
I'd normally suggest hanging up the phone, but maybe LW would do better to agree to chip in for home health care at least part time so her brother can get some respite.
Though honestly, it may be time for Mom to go to a home. It's not ideal, all those places are crap - but if it's going to happen eventually then everything I've heard from people whose parents are in this situation is that it's better to do it sooner rather than later, so they can at least get used to the place before the dementia hits too fully.
Letter 3
I'm wondering how much work the brother actually does vs. his wife. "Son makes daughter-in-law do all the caregiving" is a classic pattern.
Re: Letter 3
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For whatever reason, she has enough spare time right now to care for her mother. That is the way that she can be present and support her in her last days. Of course it is hard, but that is what her station in life calls for right now.
Fuck you and fuck this advice, Harriette, for various personal reasons of my own.
LW, free time is not the only thing you need on hand to be able to care for someone. And when caring for someone, respite is absolutely vitally important. One alternative to paying her money would be to ensure she is getting wonderful respite time, like paying for her to go on a trip (even if you happen to get 40% off the price of her hotel room because you've booked during the off-season or whatever).
This may or may not be something she wants you to arrange, but it's a thought on how you could recognise her needs and contributions, with or without the increased pay.
Fact is, LW, you recognised that the sister was doing something worthy of payment -- you just don't like that she has re-evaluated her own worth and asked for more. You know she's worthy of payment and the same things affecting the professional nurse's need to be paid more affect this too. Have an earnest look at your finances and give at least as much as you can, even if that doesn't get her the full amount the professional nurse receives.
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1. Why is this being discussed by the wives. He had two sons. Let the sons take care of him, and if he didn't raise sons who are capable of that, there are care homes. (I have to wonder if he treated the other daughter-in-law any better than LW.)
2. WTF, Harriette. LW didn't even mention any financial difficulty in giving SIL a raise! Pay the woman! Why is this a question!
3. Mom needs to go in a nursing home. This is pretty obvious: Her kids can't handle her care. If seeing a mediator will convince your brother of this, then maybe that's what you do. You aren't obligated to take her in just because your brother won't put her in a home. If the mediator isn't an option, one option might be to do all the preliminary prep work for putting her in a home, so you can bring it to your brother with lot of evidence for why it's a good idea and minimal work to do for the decision. In the meantime, if you can get them any respite care, (either with money you can afford, or through government assistance) do that. (Also your brother and his wife are clearly beyond the end of their ropes - you've had that experience - so if you want to keep a relationship with them, do your best to treat everything they say and do as about your mother, not about you, until she's been out of their home for at least six months or so.)
Re: Letter 3
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But she also has the option of doing less if it's starting to take a toll on her, and realistically, maybe she should, if they're paying for this amount of care already anyway. The mixture of "you're doing something you choose to do/want to do/morally have to do anyway" with "you're doing a job because you're paid to do it" here is a little unfortunate. I mean, better that family members are paid for this kind of work if that's what they think is best/want to do, but it's not the greatest idea to have confusion about that.
Re: Letter 3
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In the little bit we have in the letter, it kind of sounds like the "truth" he is telling is that LW was right about not taking Mom in and he knows she was right and he can't accept it so he's blaming LW for being right. But it's hard to say! If he's like this when he's *not* in the middle of a breakdown, if Mom goes into a home and next Christmas he's still calling her evil for forcing him to put Mom in a home, absolutely cut him off.
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You can tell from these answers who has Been There or Seen That and who has not.
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