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Dear Carolyn: I am tired of walking on eggshells. I’m the older of two sisters and growing up my parents were very strict with both of us. It was over-the-top strictness, but I also realize it was a cultural thing and they were kind of victims of cultural expectations, too.
I responded by trying to live up to their unrealistic expectations: I got the grades they expected, went into the career they expected, was always outwardly respectful of them, etc. I do carry a lot of resentment because I never got the nurturing I needed, and I think the only reason I maintain a good relationship with them is that I keep in mind what they’ve been through, immigrating to this country, and their good but misguided intentions.
My sister on the other hand, reacted by becoming everything they hate: unconventional job, fun hair colors, piercings and tattoos. As a consequence she had a terrible experience with my parents and as an adult completely cut them off. I wish she hadn’t but I’m completely sympathetic to why she did.
She stays in contact with me only if I don’t divulge any important information about her to my parents. They are always asking and it is hard to stay within my sister’s limits — nothing about her relationship especially. She married recently and is trying to get pregnant, and keeping all of this from my parents is such a burden.
My sister definitely wants our relationship to continue, and so do I, but I think her expecting me to hold such a hard line is unreasonable. Do you agree?
— Tired of Walking the Line
Tired of Walking the Line: No. You need one phrase only here: “I won’t discuss Sister with you.” Or, softer: “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.”
I sympathize with your fatigue, but it’s still a byproduct of your choices. Yes, you didn’t get to choose your parents or your sister, but the position you’ve staked out is entirely yours. You have decided to try to please all of them within the lines they’ve drawn for you.
That means you can also make different choices. I’m listing them all to make a point, not as endorsements of any: You can cut ties to your parents, cut ties to your sister, tell your sister you’re not keeping her confidences anymore (knowing it likely means the end of your relationship), tell your parents you won’t answer any more questions about your sister. All of them end the eggshell-walk abruptly and for good.
The one that seems best aligned with your goals is to honor your sister’s request and gently but firmly shut down your parents’ prying. “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” Entertain no further prodding.
So hard for a pleaser to do, but it’s an effective and utterly fair way to stay out of someone else’s estrangement. And if your parents make you pay, then they’re proving your sister’s point.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/08/15/carolyn-hax-sister-estranged-parents-block/
I responded by trying to live up to their unrealistic expectations: I got the grades they expected, went into the career they expected, was always outwardly respectful of them, etc. I do carry a lot of resentment because I never got the nurturing I needed, and I think the only reason I maintain a good relationship with them is that I keep in mind what they’ve been through, immigrating to this country, and their good but misguided intentions.
My sister on the other hand, reacted by becoming everything they hate: unconventional job, fun hair colors, piercings and tattoos. As a consequence she had a terrible experience with my parents and as an adult completely cut them off. I wish she hadn’t but I’m completely sympathetic to why she did.
She stays in contact with me only if I don’t divulge any important information about her to my parents. They are always asking and it is hard to stay within my sister’s limits — nothing about her relationship especially. She married recently and is trying to get pregnant, and keeping all of this from my parents is such a burden.
My sister definitely wants our relationship to continue, and so do I, but I think her expecting me to hold such a hard line is unreasonable. Do you agree?
— Tired of Walking the Line
Tired of Walking the Line: No. You need one phrase only here: “I won’t discuss Sister with you.” Or, softer: “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.”
I sympathize with your fatigue, but it’s still a byproduct of your choices. Yes, you didn’t get to choose your parents or your sister, but the position you’ve staked out is entirely yours. You have decided to try to please all of them within the lines they’ve drawn for you.
That means you can also make different choices. I’m listing them all to make a point, not as endorsements of any: You can cut ties to your parents, cut ties to your sister, tell your sister you’re not keeping her confidences anymore (knowing it likely means the end of your relationship), tell your parents you won’t answer any more questions about your sister. All of them end the eggshell-walk abruptly and for good.
The one that seems best aligned with your goals is to honor your sister’s request and gently but firmly shut down your parents’ prying. “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” Entertain no further prodding.
So hard for a pleaser to do, but it’s an effective and utterly fair way to stay out of someone else’s estrangement. And if your parents make you pay, then they’re proving your sister’s point.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/08/15/carolyn-hax-sister-estranged-parents-block/
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I mean, it can suck, being the one in the middle, and I get that it's Full Of Tension, and you certainly *can* talk to your sister about how it's getting to you -- as an opportunity for emotional honesty, though, *not* as an attempt at negotiation.
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And I have no anger towards my mother anymore and I would hope that my sisters would have that authentic type of conversation with me.
I think the advice is good. But I also wonder where the sister is on her no contact scale. like yes there is no contact but is she angry still? does she say mean things if LW mentions the parents? (my sisters mention my mother and I recognize that that is all it is. a mention. they aren't trying to sway me in any direction. They also know that if there is a life threatening situation for my mother I would be there for THEM to help but not for my mother.) If there is still anger there they I would lean towards the “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” to the parents and “They is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” to the sister (if she asks).
If there is no anger there then I would have that authentic conversation with the sister about how hard it is. BUT.... the dump out, comfort in should be applied here. Comfort your sister. DUMP the resentment of keeping things somewhere else. NOT your parents. NOT your sister. do you have a partner? a friend? someone who can keep confidences like a therapist? THAT is where you dump your resentment and get your confidence to continue saying “She is well. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.” to your parents.
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