minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2022-06-09 04:45 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-06-09 04:45 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudencc: Two Letters on the Same Topic
Right next to each other.
Q. Political Difference: I have many things in common with my boyfriend, except for one key difference: We have very different political views. I’ve always been liberal/Democratic whereas he is very libertarian/Republican. He says he votes for whoever will lower his taxes the most (he does well for himself financially) and that he sees nothing wrong with voting only with complete self-interest. He otherwise is a kind and caring person to me, family, and friends, so I’m having trouble reconciling these two things in my mind. I worry that his self-interest in politics will spread to self-interest in other aspects of his life later down the line. Is that a legitimate worry? I don’t want to marry and have children with someone who turns out to be just plain selfish, but I also don’t want to lose someone great over political differences (you can’t agree about everything, after all).
A: If he doesn’t behave selfishly toward you now, I don’t think you should extrapolate anything from his political views. If you can’t imagine yourself long term with someone who doesn’t share your basic views about what constitutes a good and healthy society, then by all means break up, but if you’re just worried that he’s going to take as laissez-faire an approach to your feelings as he currently does to capitalism, I think you can set those fears aside.
Q. Feminist dating nonfeminist: My boyfriend is a well-educated, successful doctor who does not consider himself a feminist. I am an equally educated and successful woman who feels like I finally met someone who is my match in life. On this one topic, he has painted it as a linguistic distinction rather than a belief about women’s rights—he is South Asian. I know feminist is still a loaded term, and he is very supportive of my career and my ambitions. Over time, unfortunately, some misogynistic attitudes seem to be creeping into our relationship. Although in general he treats me well, he doesn’t seem to respect women as a group and I hear him call other women “crazy bitches” and rant about women’s hormones, etc. He loves to hate on Hillary Clinton for the sheer fact that she is a woman. He is quick to describe my attempts to discuss relationship issues as “drama.” He feels no qualms about going to strip clubs. He also habitually befriends attractive women and flirts with them in front of me and via text—he thinks there is nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn’t sleep with them. Also, when he leads other women on, they are often rude to me, but if I speak up about this, he tends to classify it as my being a hysterical illogical woman. This is all a problem maybe 5 percent of the time, while 95 percent of our interactions are happy. I know he cares about me deeply. He is a very smart and compassionate man and these attitudes do not line up with who he is in most other contexts—it is truly baffling to me and seems to have very little to do with me, personally, but it is hard not to feel upset by it, nonetheless. Would I be out of line to ask him to work on these behaviors, perhaps in the context of couples therapy, or is this the type of situation where I should accept that this is just how he is and cut my losses and run?
A: Someone who calls women “crazy bitches,” dismisses them as “hormonal” (men don’t have hormones?), considers the fact that you want to discuss your relationship proof that you are artificially manufacturing conflict, flirts with other people in front of you and does nothing when they insult or condescend to you is not a compassionate person. You have a terrible boyfriend who acts like a jerk substantially more than 5 percent of the time, and you should dump him. Save the therapy for afterward, and go by yourself.
Q. Political Difference: I have many things in common with my boyfriend, except for one key difference: We have very different political views. I’ve always been liberal/Democratic whereas he is very libertarian/Republican. He says he votes for whoever will lower his taxes the most (he does well for himself financially) and that he sees nothing wrong with voting only with complete self-interest. He otherwise is a kind and caring person to me, family, and friends, so I’m having trouble reconciling these two things in my mind. I worry that his self-interest in politics will spread to self-interest in other aspects of his life later down the line. Is that a legitimate worry? I don’t want to marry and have children with someone who turns out to be just plain selfish, but I also don’t want to lose someone great over political differences (you can’t agree about everything, after all).
A: If he doesn’t behave selfishly toward you now, I don’t think you should extrapolate anything from his political views. If you can’t imagine yourself long term with someone who doesn’t share your basic views about what constitutes a good and healthy society, then by all means break up, but if you’re just worried that he’s going to take as laissez-faire an approach to your feelings as he currently does to capitalism, I think you can set those fears aside.
Q. Feminist dating nonfeminist: My boyfriend is a well-educated, successful doctor who does not consider himself a feminist. I am an equally educated and successful woman who feels like I finally met someone who is my match in life. On this one topic, he has painted it as a linguistic distinction rather than a belief about women’s rights—he is South Asian. I know feminist is still a loaded term, and he is very supportive of my career and my ambitions. Over time, unfortunately, some misogynistic attitudes seem to be creeping into our relationship. Although in general he treats me well, he doesn’t seem to respect women as a group and I hear him call other women “crazy bitches” and rant about women’s hormones, etc. He loves to hate on Hillary Clinton for the sheer fact that she is a woman. He is quick to describe my attempts to discuss relationship issues as “drama.” He feels no qualms about going to strip clubs. He also habitually befriends attractive women and flirts with them in front of me and via text—he thinks there is nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn’t sleep with them. Also, when he leads other women on, they are often rude to me, but if I speak up about this, he tends to classify it as my being a hysterical illogical woman. This is all a problem maybe 5 percent of the time, while 95 percent of our interactions are happy. I know he cares about me deeply. He is a very smart and compassionate man and these attitudes do not line up with who he is in most other contexts—it is truly baffling to me and seems to have very little to do with me, personally, but it is hard not to feel upset by it, nonetheless. Would I be out of line to ask him to work on these behaviors, perhaps in the context of couples therapy, or is this the type of situation where I should accept that this is just how he is and cut my losses and run?
A: Someone who calls women “crazy bitches,” dismisses them as “hormonal” (men don’t have hormones?), considers the fact that you want to discuss your relationship proof that you are artificially manufacturing conflict, flirts with other people in front of you and does nothing when they insult or condescend to you is not a compassionate person. You have a terrible boyfriend who acts like a jerk substantially more than 5 percent of the time, and you should dump him. Save the therapy for afterward, and go by yourself.