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Dear Care and Feeding,
My stepson’s wife is about to have a baby. Although (obviously) I am not my stepson’s biological mother, I did help raise him (for many years, he lived exactly half the time with my husband and me; as he got older, it was more like 80 percent of the time with us). Now that he is about to be a father, both my stepson’s mother—let’s call her Kathy—and I would like the baby to call us Nana. I have no problem sharing the name and even having the child call me Nana. My reasons for wanting to be called Nana are deep: for generations of my family, as far back as we know, all the women have been called Nana by their grandchildren. Kathy’s reason for wanting to be called Nana? She likes the name. Her parents are Grammy and Grandpa; her grandparents were also Grammy and Grandpa and that’s why her son calls her parents Grammy and Grandpa.
My stepson and his wife are fine with us both being Nana, but they are being pressured into making me feel like I need to give up the name because the child will be Kathy’s first biological grandchild. I’m on the brink of giving up on being Nana for all of my future grandchildren (I have two children of my own, and I want all the grandchildren to use the same name for me! I don’t want my stepson’s future child[ren] to feel singled out or lesser than my blood relations), even though that would mean giving up on a tradition that has meant a great deal to me all my life. Should I give up on it, or should I hold my ground?
—Sad Stepgrandmother
I’m sorry the rivalry between you and your stepson’s mother is spilling over into your soon-to-be grandson’s generation, but I wearily and grudgingly accept that this seems to be a fact of life in many families after (even long after) a divorce. Here is my verdict.
First: Kathy’s reason for wanting to be called Nana doesn’t matter. She is entitled, as we all are, to request to be called whatever she wants to be called. Second: I am delighted that you are willing to share the name with her—good for you! Her refusal to accept this perfectly nice compromise (hardly even a compromise, since lots of people call both sets of grandparents by the same honorific, with or without the addition of the proper name) is churlish—or at least childish—but so is your petulance, as is the drama of your posing this as a question of giving up a cherished, long-held family tradition. It would be nice if your stepson and his pregnant wife were able to say, kindly and warmly, “So you shall both be Nana! Excellent!” but if they can’t (again, I call your attention to the rivalry between the two moms in your beleaguered stepson’s life, and what I imagine is his wish not to disappoint his mother, even if—or especially if—as a teenager he spent only 20 percent of his time with her), why not just stop talking about this? The expectant parents have bigger fish to fry. Don’t get involved in your co-grandmother’s drama. (I find myself wondering, I admit, what the child’s other grandmother[s?] hope to be called. Maybe you can all be Nanas.)
If you want the child to call you Nana, refer to yourself as Nana when you are in the baby/toddler/preschool/etc. grandchild’s presence. “Oh, hello, sweetheart—come to Nana!” and “Look what Nana brought you!” I shall assume you will be spending sufficient time with the child to imprint the chosen name on their little developing brain—and that your co-Nana, if the two of you are ever in the same room at the same time, will not freak out over this and yell at her grandchild: “THAT is not Nana! I am Nana! I am the only Nana!” (If she does, you will win the prize for who-is-the-nicer-Nana.)
And a P.S. verdict: If your stepson actually tells you, now or later, “I’m sorry, but your grandchild cannot call you Nana. It means too much to my mother,” then you must gracefully go along with it, for his sake, and offer a reasonably palatable alternative. This would not mean that you have to give up the title (that is so important to you) for all your future grandchildren. I promise that this particular grandchild will not feel singled out or lesser because of using a different name for you than the others do. The name by which grandchildren address their grandmother, I feel obliged to tell you, is not an important part of their relationship with her. It matters, pretty much universally, only to her.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/daughters-fight-wedding-plans.html
My stepson’s wife is about to have a baby. Although (obviously) I am not my stepson’s biological mother, I did help raise him (for many years, he lived exactly half the time with my husband and me; as he got older, it was more like 80 percent of the time with us). Now that he is about to be a father, both my stepson’s mother—let’s call her Kathy—and I would like the baby to call us Nana. I have no problem sharing the name and even having the child call me Nana. My reasons for wanting to be called Nana are deep: for generations of my family, as far back as we know, all the women have been called Nana by their grandchildren. Kathy’s reason for wanting to be called Nana? She likes the name. Her parents are Grammy and Grandpa; her grandparents were also Grammy and Grandpa and that’s why her son calls her parents Grammy and Grandpa.
My stepson and his wife are fine with us both being Nana, but they are being pressured into making me feel like I need to give up the name because the child will be Kathy’s first biological grandchild. I’m on the brink of giving up on being Nana for all of my future grandchildren (I have two children of my own, and I want all the grandchildren to use the same name for me! I don’t want my stepson’s future child[ren] to feel singled out or lesser than my blood relations), even though that would mean giving up on a tradition that has meant a great deal to me all my life. Should I give up on it, or should I hold my ground?
—Sad Stepgrandmother
I’m sorry the rivalry between you and your stepson’s mother is spilling over into your soon-to-be grandson’s generation, but I wearily and grudgingly accept that this seems to be a fact of life in many families after (even long after) a divorce. Here is my verdict.
First: Kathy’s reason for wanting to be called Nana doesn’t matter. She is entitled, as we all are, to request to be called whatever she wants to be called. Second: I am delighted that you are willing to share the name with her—good for you! Her refusal to accept this perfectly nice compromise (hardly even a compromise, since lots of people call both sets of grandparents by the same honorific, with or without the addition of the proper name) is churlish—or at least childish—but so is your petulance, as is the drama of your posing this as a question of giving up a cherished, long-held family tradition. It would be nice if your stepson and his pregnant wife were able to say, kindly and warmly, “So you shall both be Nana! Excellent!” but if they can’t (again, I call your attention to the rivalry between the two moms in your beleaguered stepson’s life, and what I imagine is his wish not to disappoint his mother, even if—or especially if—as a teenager he spent only 20 percent of his time with her), why not just stop talking about this? The expectant parents have bigger fish to fry. Don’t get involved in your co-grandmother’s drama. (I find myself wondering, I admit, what the child’s other grandmother[s?] hope to be called. Maybe you can all be Nanas.)
If you want the child to call you Nana, refer to yourself as Nana when you are in the baby/toddler/preschool/etc. grandchild’s presence. “Oh, hello, sweetheart—come to Nana!” and “Look what Nana brought you!” I shall assume you will be spending sufficient time with the child to imprint the chosen name on their little developing brain—and that your co-Nana, if the two of you are ever in the same room at the same time, will not freak out over this and yell at her grandchild: “THAT is not Nana! I am Nana! I am the only Nana!” (If she does, you will win the prize for who-is-the-nicer-Nana.)
And a P.S. verdict: If your stepson actually tells you, now or later, “I’m sorry, but your grandchild cannot call you Nana. It means too much to my mother,” then you must gracefully go along with it, for his sake, and offer a reasonably palatable alternative. This would not mean that you have to give up the title (that is so important to you) for all your future grandchildren. I promise that this particular grandchild will not feel singled out or lesser because of using a different name for you than the others do. The name by which grandchildren address their grandmother, I feel obliged to tell you, is not an important part of their relationship with her. It matters, pretty much universally, only to her.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/daughters-fight-wedding-plans.html