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(no subject)
How do I politely tell people it’s possible for me to be a feminist who also wants to play Barbies with my daughter? I have no problem with nongendered clothes and toys, but I have always wanted a daughter whom (amongst other things) I can clothe in pink, play dress-up with, braid her hair, etc. I know one can do these things with a boy, but it’s not the same for me. Lucky for me, my Julie is your quintessential princess. I’m not forcing her into anything, and if she ever wanted to get rid of her girly stuff, that would be fine.
My problem is certain other people in my life can’t let the gendered nonsense thing go. Some of my husband’s friends and family have commented on how it’s setting Julie back to have her play with dolls and wear dresses 24/7. But that’s what she wants! I’m just lucky that it’s what I want, too. I’ve been told it’s not feminist to encourage her behavior. One of my husband’s friends in particular always brings her blue clothes and toy trucks. They end up getting donated after six months because she’s not interested.
I’m sick of the judgment, and it makes me understand why people can’t stand the obsession with gender and are starting not to care about these people. If Julie were Julian, my husband’s folks would love that he plays with dolls and would be over the moon to buy him glittery boots and makeup sets. It’s frustrating, and I don’t know what to say when they are in my home and making digs at me in front of my child. Or buying her crap she doesn’t want, just to force an agenda.
—Pretty in Pink Exhaustion
If you feel like you and your daughter are being judged for her interests, then you should be prepared to express that to anyone who criticizes her for liking dresses, dolls, and princesses. There’s nothing wrong or anti-feminist about her interests, and it’s fine to make that assertion whenever necessary.
If you want to approach this politely, as you’ve suggested in your letter, you can start by not comparing your daughter’s experience to those who express their gender differently. Despite how things may seem to you, your daughter is still part of a protected majority. As a cisgender girl, she won’t experience discrimination or harm just for wearing dresses and liking “girly” things. If you feel like your (or her) feminism is being challenged, you are free to remind people that feminism should champion equity and encourage choice. It’s great to have such reminders from time to time.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/daughter-barbies-pink-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
My problem is certain other people in my life can’t let the gendered nonsense thing go. Some of my husband’s friends and family have commented on how it’s setting Julie back to have her play with dolls and wear dresses 24/7. But that’s what she wants! I’m just lucky that it’s what I want, too. I’ve been told it’s not feminist to encourage her behavior. One of my husband’s friends in particular always brings her blue clothes and toy trucks. They end up getting donated after six months because she’s not interested.
I’m sick of the judgment, and it makes me understand why people can’t stand the obsession with gender and are starting not to care about these people. If Julie were Julian, my husband’s folks would love that he plays with dolls and would be over the moon to buy him glittery boots and makeup sets. It’s frustrating, and I don’t know what to say when they are in my home and making digs at me in front of my child. Or buying her crap she doesn’t want, just to force an agenda.
—Pretty in Pink Exhaustion
If you feel like you and your daughter are being judged for her interests, then you should be prepared to express that to anyone who criticizes her for liking dresses, dolls, and princesses. There’s nothing wrong or anti-feminist about her interests, and it’s fine to make that assertion whenever necessary.
If you want to approach this politely, as you’ve suggested in your letter, you can start by not comparing your daughter’s experience to those who express their gender differently. Despite how things may seem to you, your daughter is still part of a protected majority. As a cisgender girl, she won’t experience discrimination or harm just for wearing dresses and liking “girly” things. If you feel like your (or her) feminism is being challenged, you are free to remind people that feminism should champion equity and encourage choice. It’s great to have such reminders from time to time.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/daughter-barbies-pink-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
Kinda wish the response had addressed this. Is it *really* all her daughter, or is at least some of it her daughter reacting to LW's obvious pleasure in having "a quintessential princess"? Children can be very responsive to the expectations their parents seem to be putting on them, and LW... LW's commentary here is weird.
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I have SO MANY relevant icons
I really, really hate definitions of "feminism" and even "gender-neutral" that mean "none of that icky girl stuff." Blue clothes and trucks are not gender-neutral. And they're especially not gender-neutral when so few parents are dressing boys in pink and buying them dolls. Maybe LW's friends are just suggesting balance. Fair. But I've gotten enough looks when I've said that Barbie movies are, if not high art, actually the most feminist kids' movies I know of, or comments in blogs about how dresses are teh evil because you can't climb trees in them (which, generations of Catholic girls beg to differ) to know that people can be really fucking obnoxious about girls who don't want to climb trees.
TL;DR: Yes, LW's phrasing is weird, and no, I don't think she's particularly self-aware, but I have a twinge of sympathy.
Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
If it weren't for that first paragraph and a couple of other lines, I wouldn't even be raising an eyebrow at LW's perception, but it's there, I can't unread it.
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Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
yeah, same. It's a completely normal thing for kids to be that invested in gender norms, but there are a lot of flags that indicate the LW has certainly made clear to the child what her preferences are.
Also, her belief that people are pushier about her cis girl than they would be a about a trans or genderqueer girls is completely gefucked. That's not how it works. She's refusing to notice every single person who isn't pushy about her cis daughter, at least half of whom would be weird about her hypothetical genderqueer or trans Julian.
Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
I think the LW probably meant a hypothetical cis son Julian. All thoughts of queerness in the real world look to have flown over her head.
no subject
As for what the LW can say to these people,
"Can you seriously stop trying to turn my kid into a 'not like the other girls'? It was always insidiously misogynistic and at this point it's boring, too."
And ye olde not-my-job-to-educate-you is there for her if they push back. The goal is, after all, for them to stop. And NMJTEY is a very effective conversation ender.
Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
I may have shouted at the computer when I got to that part.
I want to agree with LW a lot -- I still remember being called antifeminist by teenage classmates because I like wearing skirts, even though it's been decades and they probably changed their minds by now -- but there are all these bits in her letter, especially that one, that just don't sit right with me.
Re: I have SO MANY relevant icons
Right? What does it say about someone’s attitude towards women when blue clothes and trucks are “appropriate” to give to children and pink clothes and dolls are not.
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Presumably LW's husband wants to maintain a relationship with his friends and family, so he needs to get involved in telling these people to back off.
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Does LW have an idea of what "being a feminist" is apart from a nice badge she wants to claim? Because I'm not seeing any evidence in her letter that she gives a shit about actual choices and equality for women as well as men, and I'm not thrilled about using genderqueer AMAB children as her rhetorical device about how oppressed she is by commentary on dresses.
To the actual question: yes there is real misogyny in deciding girl-coded stuff is inferior, and LW absolutely can point that out. It might also be "feminist" to start leaving the work of managing interactions with her husband's friends and family to him. If he's so feminist, perhaps he could decide to back up and defend his wife and daughter's choices.
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It is condescending. In a lot of cases I think that's the point. (To unilaterally end a conversation with a bad actor who's chosen sealioning over accepting and considering new information. )
But, there is a critical mass of leftists who are also assholes that can't mind their own business, and NMYJTEY functions for them the same way a bless your heart, how about that local sports team functions for nonleftist nonactivists.
I'm definitely with you on husband taking the bulk of managing his family.