When [female relative] and [her male husband] used to fight, he'd go through her phone and use what he found there as ammo for the next round of fighting. When I found out, I panicked and was so worried about her, asked her to go to a hotel that night. Because when a man goes through a woman's electronic devices, we know it's controlling and abuse-adjacent. (She was fine, and they mended their relationship.)
I acknowledge that the power dynamics and the DV statistics make it implausible to just say "if it's borderline abuse when a man does it to a woman, then it also is when a woman does it to a man." And yet... LW has a whole novel of missing reasons for her behavior. He left his computer on so she immediately, by her own admission, went looking for dirt? After a non-bad argument which was just about feeling underappreciated? I mean, just this quotation alone:
It was nothing particularly toxic, but when he left for a meeting, he left his computer on.
What's missing there? "We argued, nothing bad, and then I decided to..." What was she looking for? Why? She doesn't sound scared of him, or particularly angry. If it was just an impulse you'd think she'd sound ashamed now.
I don't think this LW is at risk for becoming a domestic abuser. But I also don't want to undervalue how utterly toxic it is to be not safe in the privacy of your own electronic space.
no subject
Huh, I disagree with your take on which is worse.
When [female relative] and [her male husband] used to fight, he'd go through her phone and use what he found there as ammo for the next round of fighting. When I found out, I panicked and was so worried about her, asked her to go to a hotel that night. Because when a man goes through a woman's electronic devices, we know it's controlling and abuse-adjacent. (She was fine, and they mended their relationship.)
I acknowledge that the power dynamics and the DV statistics make it implausible to just say "if it's borderline abuse when a man does it to a woman, then it also is when a woman does it to a man." And yet... LW has a whole novel of missing reasons for her behavior. He left his computer on so she immediately, by her own admission, went looking for dirt? After a non-bad argument which was just about feeling underappreciated? I mean, just this quotation alone:
What's missing there? "We argued, nothing bad, and then I decided to..." What was she looking for? Why? She doesn't sound scared of him, or particularly angry. If it was just an impulse you'd think she'd sound ashamed now.
I don't think this LW is at risk for becoming a domestic abuser. But I also don't want to undervalue how utterly toxic it is to be not safe in the privacy of your own electronic space.