I love my mum dearly and I would not volunteer to get into this situation in the first place. Luckily she's had my stepdad when she's had need for caregiving recently (a nasty car accident a decade ago, a stroke this year), but if and when that stops being a workable solution, the conversation my stepsister and I will be having with our parents is what kind of facility and how will it be paid for, not whose house they will be moving into.
(and yes, we both have younger brothers, but as the eldest on each side and by temperament it'll be me and Stepsister who get things sorted; luckily we get on very well)
My advice to the LW would be to leave the planned money distribution entirely out of the discussion about how LW's mother will be looked after. It is enough to say "I am realising after these past months that caring for you on top of my other commitments is too much and I can't keep it up, so we need to find an assisted living facility for you, and discuss how it will be paid for." Given that the mother has previously complained even about in-home care for a few hours a day, I expect this will go down badly and be met with a lot of resistance and no doubt a bunch of guilt tripping about valuing her job over her mother, etc etc. LW needs to hold firm and keep repeating "this isn't working for me, we need to find you somewhere else to live by X date, and agree how it will be paid for" until it sinks in that she isn't budging. LW also needs to look into her legal standing for arranging a place in an assisted living facility with or without her mother's consent, and also for moving her out of her own home anyway. And to keep reminding herself that she is allowed to have a life of her own that is not subsumed into caring for her parent and offspring.
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I love my mum dearly and I would not volunteer to get into this situation in the first place. Luckily she's had my stepdad when she's had need for caregiving recently (a nasty car accident a decade ago, a stroke this year), but if and when that stops being a workable solution, the conversation my stepsister and I will be having with our parents is what kind of facility and how will it be paid for, not whose house they will be moving into.
(and yes, we both have younger brothers, but as the eldest on each side and by temperament it'll be me and Stepsister who get things sorted; luckily we get on very well)
My advice to the LW would be to leave the planned money distribution entirely out of the discussion about how LW's mother will be looked after. It is enough to say "I am realising after these past months that caring for you on top of my other commitments is too much and I can't keep it up, so we need to find an assisted living facility for you, and discuss how it will be paid for." Given that the mother has previously complained even about in-home care for a few hours a day, I expect this will go down badly and be met with a lot of resistance and no doubt a bunch of guilt tripping about valuing her job over her mother, etc etc. LW needs to hold firm and keep repeating "this isn't working for me, we need to find you somewhere else to live by X date, and agree how it will be paid for" until it sinks in that she isn't budging. LW also needs to look into her legal standing for arranging a place in an assisted living facility with or without her mother's consent, and also for moving her out of her own home anyway. And to keep reminding herself that she is allowed to have a life of her own that is not subsumed into caring for her parent and offspring.