(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two kids, a daughter, 8, and a son, 5. My son is a picky eater and has very intense likes and dislikes. He likes enough foods and gets enough calories that our pediatrician is not concerned, but trying to introduce new foods has always been a dramatic struggle. My daughter is a much better eater, and generally does not complain about what is being served or trying new tastes and textures.

My daughter’s birthday was last week, and she requested a strawberry cheesecake. She said it’s her new “favorite” after recently trying it when visiting a friend. I have always baked a chocolate cake from scratch for all my kids’ birthdays. Both my kids like chocolate cake and it is an easy, fun tradition. I know my son would not like cheesecake and would throw a fit if we served a dessert that he didn’t want to eat. So I explained this to my daughter, and she was sad, but understood. I made the chocolate cake like normal, everyone enjoyed it and her birthday dinner went off without a hitch.

I mentioned this to a couple of friends, and they think I handled it wrong. They said that by not giving my daughter the cake she asked for, especially for her birthday, I was teaching her that her needs will only ever come second to her brother’s. They also mentioned that they think this is evidence of a larger pattern in which I rely too much on my daughter’s easy, go-with-the-flow nature to mitigate her brother’s tantrums. I was shocked to hear this. It’s only a birthday cake! And yes, my daughter is the easier child and can be reasoned with at a level my son can’t yet, so I do ask her to be a good role model for her brother and to be the one to compromise when their wants are at odds with one another. But these are good skills for her to have in life and will build a strong foundation for her to be a good person as she grows up. My son will get these lessons too, but I’m not going to make him suffer in the meantime for the principle of it when his sister is happy to go along with what I tell her. I’m just not sure if my friends have a point and I’m actually doing something wrong here. Any advice?

—At Odds Over Cake

Dear At Odds Over Cake,

I agree with your friends. Unfortunately, you did handle this incorrectly. Your son’s dietary preferences may be different from your daughter’s, and there’s nothing wrong with making some exceptions for him when meal planning if that’s the path of least resistance in your household. But this was your daughter’s birthday, not your son’s. She requested a different cake on a special occasion—a day meant to celebrate her. You should’ve gotten her the cheesecake. If your son didn’t want to eat it, I’m guessing you wouldn’t have forced him.

You say that your daughter is naturally easygoing. That may be true, and if it is, it’s all the more reason to reward her now and again for being your more reasonable, compromise-oriented child. It’s also possible that she’s already realized that her needs and wants will come second. Since she was 3, she’s had to adjust to being the big sister and the bigger person. Your son is 5, and it’s not too early to start teaching him the same consideration of his sibling’s wishes that your daughter has already mastered. That wouldn’t be a case of him “suffering for the principle.” It would be about you, the parent, setting the family precedent that it sounds like you’ve been relying on your daughter to model.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/11/scars-divorce-parenting-advice-care-feeding.html

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Maybe it's just me, but, two cakes? Daughter did deserve to get the cake she asked for.

[conuly]

The advice is perfectly sensible, though I'd add a few things:

1. It would be reasonable to go to the bakery and pick up a chocolate cupcake for Son. That's a very sensible accommodation for a beloved family member with some dietary restrictions.

2. If you go into every "new food opportunity" with the belief that you just KNOW your child won't like it, you're setting your child up for failure before you even get started. Which ties in to

3. In my experience, pediatricians are people and people are extremely ignorant about food aversions. LW's concerns about what Son will and will not eat are already affecting daily life. It's time for LW to get a referral to an occupational therapist or an SLP who handles feeding issues to see if they do need more help. If nothing else, I think LW could benefit from some more targeted education on how to parent a kid with serious food aversions. I don't know that Son does need special help, but I do know that the pediatrician may not be the right one to make that call so long as the weight is on target. You gotta talk to a specialist.

[naath]

son will not get even a bit sick from *not eating dessert*, for daughter's birthday she deserves her choice of treat (within availability and budget constraints), son needs to have a meal he will eat and not go hungry, but daughter should not be taught that her desires are secondary to her brother's even on her birthday.

If you want to cook a chocolate cake because you enjoy it, do it on your own time. If you can't make cheesecake I am sure they can be bought. If they are unaffordable, that is a different problem.

[beable]

I think LW failed even more spectacularly than was addressed, because asking for cheesecake as a “new favourite” sounds not just like ElderKid liking cheesecake, but also ElderKid trying to use the tools they had available to draw the focus of the birthday to be on them.

By all means get the younger kid his chocolate cake, but LW needs to pay more attention to her “easy going” daughter rather than taking her for granted.

[cereta]

It’s only a birthday cake!

Which is exactly why daughter's preferences should have been prioritized this one time, if not more often even than that. Yeah, this is kind of "my issues, let me show them," but even my mother, who very much relied on me to be the Good Kid, got me a chocolate cream pie for my birthday instead of making me share my brother's (whose birthday was six days before mine).

[futurism]

This is an unfortunate situation that reflects on a much, much darker pattern LW is teaching her daughter here. I guess that prioritizing her own comfort and her son's comfort was what came first because of the immediate nature of things, but setting up the daughter to always accept compromising and being second and never getting what she wants? What kinda relationships will she get into as she grows older? What kinda partners will she pick once she reaches adulthood? I may be overreacting from my own experience here, but it's not *just* a birthday cake, it's the whole mindset they've been teaching her.

I agree with everyone's take on this and the letter advice.

[lemonsharks]

I want to steal this little girl away and give her the kind of life where she is the most important person on her birthday and where it is abundantly clear that she is absolutely important and valued on every other day.

And I want to drag her mom's head out of her own ass with a ding dang grappling hook

[movingfinger]

I guess I'm a big meanie because if a five-year-old doesn't want to eat any of someone else's birthday cake, I would not be providing special consolation extra cake. Five is not too young to learn that everything is not always about you.

[starfleetbrat]

"and would throw a fit if we served a dessert that he didn’t want to eat."

I feel like this wasn't really addressed. Its one thing if a kid is being picky and chooses not to eat something and is then offered an alternative but completely another thing if you're accomodating a child who throws a tantrum over it. That kid is learning all he needs to do to get his way is throw a fit.

I also think that the LW just didn't really want to make the cheesecake.

"I have always baked a chocolate cake from scratch for all my kids’ birthdays. Both my kids like chocolate cake and it is an easy, fun tradition."

That makes it sound like its more about the LW than the kids. Like she cooks it -from scratch- and its -easy- so why would she want to do the cheesecake? Maybe the other kid throwing the fit was just the excuse LW needed to stick to the "easy" chocolate cake.