agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Brian" and his wife, "Laurel," have an adult son, "Dick," who dated a girl I'll call "Crystal" for 10 years before they got married. Everyone got along fine, until Crystal gave birth.

After their first child was born, Crystal started withholding visits from my brother and his wife. Crystal and Dick had two more children. The oldest is now 6. The only way Brian and Laurel see their grandchildren is if there's a family reunion, wedding, etc. Crystal allows her parents to see the kids and spend time with them whenever.

Brian and Laurel are flabbergasted by what has happened. They have no idea why all of a sudden after giving birth, their DIL has not allowed them to visit the grandkids, babysit or anything. My brother and his wife are great people. They don't drink to excess or use drugs and would be wonderful grandparents for these children. Would it be appropriate as a family member (aunt) to write a letter to Crystal and, in a kind, nonaccusatory way, explain the hurt this has caused and how much their children are missing out from not being around these two great individuals? -- MISSING OUT IN OREGON

DEAR MISSING OUT: While it isn't unheard of for the wife's parents to take precedence over the husband's, Crystal's behavior does appear to be extreme. It also appears the way she's acting is retaliatory, but the people who must get to the bottom of it are your brother and his wife. I don't think there is anything to be gained by involving yourself in this sad mess, because if you do, Crystal and her husband will resent it. Sympathize, but stay out of it.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/10/29/0/grandparents-have-no-idea-why-theyre#disqus-comments

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If this scenario is "Brian and Laurel's" take then I don't blame Dick for avoiding the people who think his wife is a monster and he lacks all agency and responsibility in his marriage. They were probably mean to her during the pregnancy too, or at least controlling.

But maybe LW is the only person in this story who thinks all the responsibility for a relationship between a man and his parents fall on the wife.

Regardless, LW should leave Dick alone, and should definitely leave Crystal alone. If Brian and Laurel are so baffled as to what happened to cause this semi-estrangement, they can always ask their son directly.

Edited 2020-10-29 16:11 (UTC)

DYSFUNCTIONAL ESTRANGED PARENTS ALARM BELLS AND RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE, RUN AWAY!

Yes, here are their qualifications: They don't drink*, they don't use drugs, and *handwaves* therefore they'll be wonderful grandparents!

* to excess

Gee, maybe the fact that LW, and I would assume Brian and Laurel, attribute all decision-making about the children (or at least the decisions they don't like) to Crystal holds a key to why they aren't as close as her parents?

Seriously, I have given up expecting people to have a shred of self-awareness about things like this, but how do you write that letter and not say a single thing about Dick's actions, or inactions?

I guess they have column inches to fill, so it wouldn't really do to run the whole letter ending with the question "Would it be appropriate . . ." and answer it "DEAR MISSING OUT: No."

I am certain that Brian and/or Laurel did something that Dick and/or Crystal found entirely unreasonable and have never apologised for doing it. It is possible that the birth of the child turned "I don't much like you" into "you may never influence my child".

Dick & Crystal may have a grievance I would agree with, or a grievance I would find silly, or even Wrong. But it is their right to decide how the child is parented. If you think the Source Of Disagreement is bad (on behalf of Dick/Crystal) then you should do your best to be there for the child/ren, in case they need a friendly auncle in future, and not antagonise them now if you can stand it

WORD.

The pseuds people choose for agony aunt letters are so interesting to me.

As for Brian and Laurel, they sound like typical "We have no idea what we could possibly have done to our son and his wife to prompt them to restrict contact" people, don't they? If LW had half a clue, they'd be keeping a close eye on Brian and Laurel around their own grandchildren.

As an aunt who hasn't seen her brother's kids in three years because of family fractures, I feel for the LW. The divorce was almost a decade ago, and my brother died two years past, so we'll never know WTF actually happened, but I'll never stop wondering about the circumstances and what I should have done or could do differently as one of the only neutral parties left.

Is it just me or is the phrase "withholding visits" sufficient alarm bells all on its own?

Possibly a case of the good old Missing Missing Reason?

Edited 2020-10-29 17:52 (UTC)

Not just you. She's talking about "withholding visits" like she doesn't know what entitlement is (and she really really should.)

No clue.

Oh yeah.

Except under a very limited number of circumstances, not one of which applies here, the only people who can rightfully claim that their visits with their children are being denied are the non-custodial parents.

Yes. Very much yes.

{{hugs}} if they are welcome.

Thank you for that link.

The pseuds for "Dick" and "Crystal" certainly are something. I can only wonder why they avoid Dick's family as much as they can, and wish them well as they continue to avoid that family.

Issendai's entire series is worth a read, start to finish.

This is such a classic poor-little-toxic-grandparents story with SO little attempt at real context that I actually got a chuckle out of it. This LW, unlike the common or garden variety complaining grandparent partisan, doesn't even seem to realize that context is a thing or could be relevant or that anybody might miss it, so hasn't even made a vague attempt to cover up the complete lack? It's like they honestly think everyone in the world would understand a lack of substance abuse makes someone a sterling grandparent who is entitled to time with a kid and would totally buy that a parent who avoids visiting their parents and giving them unsupervised child time is plausibly doing it for no reason at all or sheer meanness, like we were talking about distribution of pudding cups at snack time or something.

I'm side-eyeing "does seem extreme" (uh... does it??? with zero context, it could be a very calm and level-headed response!) but for once, Abby did give unequivocally correct advice.

They don't drink to excess or use drugs and would be wonderful grandparents for these children. | This is such a classic poor-little-toxic-grandparents story with SO little attempt at real context that I actually got a chuckle out of it.

YEP.

I can think of dozens of reasons to hard nope on a partner's parents ever seeing children of mine, which have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. One of them is being a Republican. (There's no indication the grandparents are GOP bootlickers in the letter, but there is plenty to indicate how much information isn't there.

Especially if breaking off the relationship with the grandparents involves giving up free childcare.