Ask Amy: Will A Puppy Lead To Forgiveness

[madripoor_rose]

Long. And kinda stalkery.

DEAR AMY: I recently went through a break-up that was totally my fault. My insecurities from past relationships and jealousy issues affected me subconsciously, and I started fights and arguments and said stupid things to her. I didn't see what I was doing until it was too late. I asked all her close friends for advice, but they all said that the damage had been done.

She has stopped speaking to me and doesn't respond to texts. I sent one last text saying I would respect her wishes and give her space and that I'll be here, waiting for her. I am deeply hurt, because I have tried everything, including sending her flowers and begging her to forgive me. I know I must work on myself because I don't want to lose her.

Today I thought about buying her a puppy. She has always wanted one. What can I do? It has been three days without contacting her and it hurts more and more every day. ~L in NJ

DEAR L: Never ever get an animal to give to someone else, unless you have a close relationship with the person and will be around to help care for the animal. This is the height of irresponsibility and is not fair to either the person or the animal.

A vital aspect of healthy relationships is to respect the other person's wishes. In your case, you have chosen to chase someone who does not want to be pursued. You have apologized for your actions. Now you must show your ability to respect her by letting her make her own decisions about what she wants.

Comments

[redbird]

Yeah--the answer include both "don't give anyone a surprise pet" and "show your ability to respect her decisions" but doesn't actually say "you said you'd leave her alone, now do it. That's not a magic formula for getting her back, and you're not entitled to her time or affection" or "hey, if you're this stressed after three days alone, maybe you need either counseling or a hobby."

[recessional]

.... What the fuck even. O.o

[zulu]

Yikes! I'm glad the reply is quite blunt in saying NO, DO NOT, EVER, but as redbird says, it could go even further. I hope he doesn't take "and will be around to help care for the animal" as "but I WOULD BE, I promise!"

[rymenhild]

I sent one last text saying I would respect her wishes and give her space and that I'll be here, waiting for her.

...

Today I thought about buying her a puppy. She has always wanted one. What can I do? It has been three days without contacting her

THREE DAYS IS NOT WHAT "GIVE HER SPACE" MEANS.

[cereta]

Dear LW's girlfriend:

You dodged a bullet. Now start looking into restraining order laws in your region. Maybe you won't need them, but better be prepared.

Lucy

[sathari]

...THREE DAYS.

BUYING HER A PUPPY.

...THREEEEEEEEEEE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS.

Okay, I didn't think it was possible to pack so much wrong into such a small space. Point the first, thinking about contacting her again in any way after three days is JUST NO. LEAVE HER ALONE DAMMIT.

Point the second, even if they were living happily-ever-after together, a new pet needs to not be a surprise but rather something discussed in advance (and then IMO the next step is to go visit shelters and see which pet-of-your-chosen-species picks you. But then the idea that another living thing might have preferences as to its chosen companions seems to be eluding the LW even as regards other humans....)

[moem]

So many levels of no.

[minoanmiss]

I guess it's my turn to be the one sympathetic to the letter writer. I've been there, singing "If I could Turn Back Time", ready to beg forgiveness on my knees, wishing desperately for anythign I could do to fix what I'd broken.

But, of course, I completely agree with the advice gviven and the comments here. Sometimes things can't be fixed, and sometimes one has to cry into one's whiskey* and go on with one's life without that person's forgiveness. Because that's life.

I hope LW can find some peace, and get a puppy for himself if he'd be a good dog owner, and above all LEAVE HIS EX ALONE. And hopefully learn from this and not let jealousy and insecurity poison his next relationship.