These are all very good points. And hopefully if something like this happened they could sit down later and talk about it and figure out what really works for them. And hopefully they do.

partly I think it is gender. Also partly I think it is how people are socialized and raised. if you grew up in a household with parents who never let a kid learn how to do things, then they will always feel like they never do it "right" and they will back way off it. (add a small dash of abusive or bad parenting to that and it gets a whole lot worse) then you add socialized gender norms into it. how typically the wife is supposed to be the household manager and have her finger in lots of pies. You could even throw in a dash of how mothers are supposed to be perfect in every aspect and how they get shamed by looking online at all the women who do it all. Add that last bit of a husband, seeing their partner do it all and say "don't worry it all gets done" without acknowledging that their partner is the one doing the work.

it's just hard. super hard. I just wish that when we talked to each other we actually heard what the other person was saying.