Brokenhearted in Florida

[conuly]

Dear Annie: Our daughter and her husband have two young children. Over the years, we have been very close to our grandsons.

We recently found out that our daughter has started a relationship with my son from a first marriage. Forty years ago, I gave up this son for adoption when he was 4 years old. This son contacted me when he was 28. I told him I felt he should have contacted me earlier and that I did not want to start a relationship at that time. I never heard from him again. He is now 44 years old.

We phoned our daughter as soon as we heard about this new relationship and told her we weren't too crazy about it. She became angry. They are adults and can have whatever relationship they want. We didn't forbid it. But they phoned us later and left a message on our answering machine saying we are "dead" to them and will "never see our grandsons again." We could hear the kids crying in the background.

My daughter will not speak to us at all. It has broken our hearts. How do we get our grandsons back into our life? -- Brokenhearted in Florida

Dear Brokenhearted: While we agree that your daughter is treating you harshly and not doing her sons any favors, we are having a hard time sympathizing entirely. You gave up a son when he was 4 years old. We assume you had good reason, but still, he must have felt abandoned. And then, when he finally worked up the courage and tracked you down -- which undoubtedly took much effort -- you blamed him for not contacting you sooner and abandoned him again. This is undoubtedly your daughter's reaction, as well, after having heard her half-brother's version of the events. In order for you to reconcile with your daughter, you may need to first reconcile with your older son. Please consider it, for everyone's sake. Family counseling will help.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/anniesmailbox/s-2324905

Comments

[conuly]

I don't think we're supposed to believe that LW's children are having a torrid affair, I think that's just bad writing.

At any rate, I think the best thing that this LW can do for the adult children is get therapy and not reconcile. You'll notice that LW seems to think in other circumstances one can "forbid" ones adult children from having a relationship with each other (even if in this situation LW graciously decided not to do that) and also LW's primary concern seems to be that they're no longer in contact with the grandkids.

[conuly]

At least this LW knows why they're estranged.

[kutsuwamushi]

I was very confused until I realized that this is probably not the plot of a new Folgers commercial.

I don't trust that the LW only said she's "not crazy about it." Or that this was the only inciting incident behind the daughter deciding not to speak to her mother again.

Like, I can imagine a family with a similar adoption story where the mother said she had misgivings but also recognized those misgivings are the result of her own decisions and not anyone else's problem. There are families where you can talk openly about feelings like that. This does not seem to be that type of family.

It could be that the daughter is overreacting, but if so it really seems like the kind of overreaction that is the result of a build-up of issues.

[conuly]

Given LW's callous reaction to their son contacting them at the age of 28 I actually can believe this was the sole inciting incident. I mean, it probably isn't because people who act like that don't limit themselves to one thing, but.

[commoncomitatus]

I had to read this through twice to realise this wasn't about an actual 'relationship' between the two offspring, because that was about the only way that LW's fury at her daughter daring to reach out to her half-brother made any kind of sense.

[conuly]

It sure reads that way, doesn't it?

[delight]

Everyone else has covered the initial writing confusion, so - FOUR years old? Four year olds are making permanent memories at that point. You can just calmly give up a child for adoption at that age?

[kutsuwamushi]

I'm thinking that if she would do something like that she has probably done similarly callous things before.

I think it's her right to decline a relationship. Howevr, it doesn't sound like she put any thought into doing so as kindly as she could. She shows no empathy for her son at all, and instead just blames him for her own feelings. I'd bet that's a pattern with her.

[redbird]

I suspect that the reason would either make her look a lot worse--like, she gave this child away because (she thought) the new husband wouldn't marry her if doing so got him a stepson--or she's embarrassed/ashamed because the reason is "i was homeless and couldn't keep him" or she gave him up when she went into rehab for a drug addiction.

[minoanmiss]

.... did LW deliberately try to make it sound like her daughter and son are schtupping as a ploy for garnering audience sympathy?!

[conuly]

My guess, given that she was married at the time to the child's father, is that "gave him up for adoption" is code for "he was removed by the state and none of the extended family was willing or able to care for him".

As you say, four is a little old.

[conuly]

I just can't tell.

[conuly]

He must have already known the kind of person he married.

(And yeah, I too think it's 95% certain that LW is the mom, but I guess it could go the other way. Edit: Actually, all the cases I know from 1950 onwards where a parent (not a widowed or abandoned stepparent) gave a child older than infancy up for adoption involve the father doing it after the mother died or left. But still, it sure sounds like Mom.)

[cereta]

Given that her response to contact from him was to cut him off again because he didn't contact her sooner, I can pretty much believe it.

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm kind of thinking that son and daughter are both better off without LW.

[teaotter]

Wow. That royal "we." "This son." Other than the first pronoun, never "my son."

"Close to our grandsons," but not close to their daughter or her husband. They don't want to make nice with either of them, they just want to get the grandkids back.

"I did not want to start a relationship at that time" becomes "I never heard from him again" without any hint that LW could've done some reaching out on their own.

I can't help but feel that an awful lot is being left out of this letter.

[shreena]

I just realised that, although we have all assumed it's the mother writing in, it doesn't actually say that anywhere. I think it's more likely to be the father - I think there are still quite a lot of people who think that it's kind of ok for a stepfather to adopt a child and it's (depressingly) much more normal for a biological father to fade out of his child's life.

[pensnest]

Very close to our grandsons… but not, apparently, to their daughter.

That's a very bald statement about giving this son up for adoption. And I don't know how my eyebrows climbed back down from my hairline after that "I told him I felt he should have contacted me earlier" nonsense.

Ah, they phoned the daughter when they heard about the relationship. Definitely not close. Can't imagine why. Not with parents who "didn't forbid" their daughter to have a relationship with her half-brother, so generous of them.

Ick.

I'm glad the reply at least included pointing out that the letter writer hadn't actually done anything right with her (his?) son. Something about sowing and reaping might have been in order. Personally, I don't blame the daughter for cutting them off.

[ambyr]

I am coming down on the side of LW being male, too, both for this reason and because I get a whiff of misogyny in how much more interested the LW is in their grand*sons* than in their daughter.

[shirou]

Yeah, as soon as I read “four,” any sympathy I might have had for LW flew out the window. Four is not a little old. Four is old enough to have deep bonds of affection and a clinging need for one’s parents. Four is very, very old to give up a child. LW is a monster, full stop.

[lilysea]

If she or her partner/husband were abusing the four year old, adoption may have been a better option for the four year old than remaining in that situation.

Or he may have had medical needs they couldn't afford to meet.

[torachan]

Daughter made the right decision for sure.

Everything about this person seems terrible, and this is a letter they're writing to try and make themselves seem like the one wronged, so it's probably actually way worse if this is the best light they can put themselves in.

[conuly]

I think LW seriously thinks they're the one wronged, starting with the fact that Son took so long to contact them (!) and hasn't contacted them since (!!!!)

[conuly]

"I did not want to start a relationship at that time" becomes "I never heard from him again" without any hint that LW could've done some reaching out on their own.

Or that this was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, no matter how it was phrased. Why WOULD he reach out again after being told to go away?

[mirlacca]

Nope, you're not the only one!

[watersword]

I did not realize this was not about incest until I read the comments here.

[conuly]

It's worded so awkwardly!