Grief for Grandfather Complicates Relationship with Dad

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my dad was 16, my grandparents kicked him out of the house. He even admits he was one wild child, but he never forgave his parents and from then on, had as little to do with them as he could.

My grandfather passed away a few months ago and it left me pretty busted up. I was very close with him, and helped my mom take care of him in his last days. She has always gotten along really well with my grandparents and has always been a little mad at my dad for never working to heal the separation between him and his father. Now it’s too late.

I still live at home and every time my dad sees how sad I am, he badmouths my grandpa and it just makes me feel worse. Why can’t he just let it go and let me grieve for the man he gave up on over 30 years ago? --- GRIEVING GRANDSON

DEAR GRIEVING GRANDSON: There are some rifts that can never be closed, and some hurts that never heal. Even if you know some of the circumstances of your father’s split with his parents, you probably don’t know the whole story.

It may be that your father will never speak well of your grandfather. It could even be his way of grieving. Try and see past his resentment and pain, and allow yourself the time you need to miss your grandfather. Honor him in your own way, regardless of your father’s negativity.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2020/1/17/grief-for-grandfather-complicates-relationship-with

Comments

[conuly]

I feel so sorry for LW's dad, whose wife and son are telling him he ought to posthumously forgive the family that gave up on him and committed criminal abandonment by ejecting him from the family home at the age of 16.

From where I'm standing, Dad already put in a lot of effort towards reconciliation if his spouse and child were able to be so close to his parents.

[eva_rosen]

When Dad passes away, she should not mention his name without commenting on how he caused her even more pain upon the death of her grandfather. I suppose he wouldn't mind if she warned him from now and think it fair, right?

[conuly]

When he's deceased then he'll no longer be in a position to care what his son says and thinks about him.

[eva_rosen]

Neither does the grandfather. The only one he's hurting now is his son. I don't know if what he means by it is that his son's feelings don't matter, or if he's to learn to never let go of a feud. Notice he doesn't say he's seeking his father out to talk rainbows about his grandfather, but that seeing him grieve for him seems to anger the dad. Edit: I somehow thought the LW was female.

[conuly]

1. Edit: We crossed wires here!

2. I'd get angry too if everybody in my immediate family was so unsympathetic.

[commoncomitatus]

I feel bad for them both, TBH. The dad shouldn't be forced to deal with his father's continued unwanted presence, which is clearly difficult and painful for him, but the son should be allowed to grieve a grandfather he clearly cared about, without anyone intruding on that grief or tainting his positive memories with their own negative ones.

IMHO, they both need to set boundaries for their own sakes, possibly just not mentioning the grandfather in the other's presence at all until the dust and grief have settled.

[minoanmiss]

What is this Earth logic you're using and reasonable compromise you're suggesting?!

[minoanmiss]

As someone estranged from my parents I agree with you a whole lot. But still, when my parents go several of my cousins will grieve (my parents have been an excellent aunt and a very fun uncle, no I'm not jealous) and I hope I can manage to respond to them sympathetically and to gripe to those who are in a better position to hear me.

*makes a note*

[ambyr]

This sounds like a really good time for son and mom to, say, take a weekend roadtrip together, so they have time to grieve in private and the dad has space to be angry.

[conuly]

There's an idea.

[resonant]

The father is grieving, too -- and he doesn't even get a nice uncomplicated grief; he's grieving for the father he had, and the father he never had, and the possibility of an explanation or an apology that he will now never get, and the possibility of a reconciliation that's now out of reach.

I mean, I think he's doing wrong, but I understand why he's doing it.

The child's phrasing on "the man he gave up on over 30 years ago" shows a deep, worrisomely deep, lack of understanding. The grandfather gave up on the father, not the other way around, and the father was only a child and really too young to have to lose his home and security.

[conuly]

The child's phrasing on "the man he gave up on over 30 years ago" shows a deep, worrisomely deep, lack of understanding.

Agreed.

[conuly]

Argh. And now in the comments there I've got some dipshit pulling the "times were different, attitudes have changed" line on me. Buddy, it was 1990. Not exactly the dark ages. Times weren't that different and child abandonment was already recognized as bad.

[cimorene]

The child's phrasing on "the man he gave up on over 30 years ago" shows a deep, worrisomely deep, lack of understanding

Exactly this! The LW, and indeed everyone, should be allowed to grieve for whatever they're grieving for without being heckled because... that's cruel and cruelty is bad? It's not like there's any potential constructive purpose in heckling someone for the crime of being sad.

But to jump from 'dad should not heckle me for being sad' to 'why can't dad just get over his parents kicking him out of the house as a minor already' is a massive over-reach, a tragic lack of insight into how people tend to work, and also disturbingly unempathetic.

For that matter, even if you wanted to argue that forgiving one's parents for such an act would be the morally correct thing to do (and I don't!), the odds of someone his age who is still deeply hurt by wounds from their childhood just up and recovering without some intensive therapy or something are... not great. And someone can no more help still being hurt over parental betrayal when they were a child than they can help mourning a grandparent they loved - possibly less so, depending how close LW and their grandparents were!

[cimorene]

I doubt there was ever a time where child abandonment wasn't understood to be bad, given that like... caring for your children is instinctive. Of course, age of majority is a culturally dependent, so there have been plenty of times and places where a 16-year-old would be considered fully competent to strike out on their own, or when in general the parents would be expected to care for children for <16 years, but I bet throwing your children out in the disowning sense, even after the age of majority, would be controversial in almost any human society...

[resonant]

I guess the best-case scenario is that the LW is a teenager -- too young to fully understand how young 16 is.

[staranise]

My grandmother got kicked out at 16 in 1944 (economic necessity, she wasn't included in a move) and it still left her scarred. Old family values just papered over a bunch of scars.