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DEAR NATALIE: I know the holiday season is here, but I am not interested in spending any time with my family. I have been estranged from them for a long time for various reasons and my mom reached out to me last week about having Christmas together. She said that I needed to put the past behind me and move on. She then launched into a rant about why I am not a good son and how I have hurt the family. Part of this stems from when I came out several years ago and they weren’t accepting, but now it seems as though we just have nothing to say to one another. My boyfriend’s family has invited me to spend the holidays with them and they treat me so well. How do I tell my mom that I have no interest in spending time with her or my family? I know it sounds harsh, but it gives me anxiety thinking of walking through their front door. — NOT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
DEAR NOT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: You are under no obligation to spend the holidays with your family. You can’t choose the people who raised you, but as an adult, you can choose how often and how deeply you want to engage with them. The idea that your mom called you to invite you to dinner sounds like a nice gesture on the surface, but then the fact that she ranted to you about how you aren’t a “good” son (whatever that means) after you came out to your family is cruel. But, instead of icing them out, I would think about writing your family a letter stating how you feel. Letters are great for these moments because they allow you to express yourself without being interrupted. It also allows you to be thoughtful in what you want to say and not reactive. Let your family know that while you would like to someday mend fences, you can’t begin to build a new foundation until you receive a sincere apology about the way you were treated and continue to be treated by them. Then let go. Embrace the people in your life who treat you with love and respect. And for you and for all of us, my holiday wish is that we can build a society where people can be loved just as they are.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2019/12/4/husband-not-supportive-of-your-new
DEAR NOT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: You are under no obligation to spend the holidays with your family. You can’t choose the people who raised you, but as an adult, you can choose how often and how deeply you want to engage with them. The idea that your mom called you to invite you to dinner sounds like a nice gesture on the surface, but then the fact that she ranted to you about how you aren’t a “good” son (whatever that means) after you came out to your family is cruel. But, instead of icing them out, I would think about writing your family a letter stating how you feel. Letters are great for these moments because they allow you to express yourself without being interrupted. It also allows you to be thoughtful in what you want to say and not reactive. Let your family know that while you would like to someday mend fences, you can’t begin to build a new foundation until you receive a sincere apology about the way you were treated and continue to be treated by them. Then let go. Embrace the people in your life who treat you with love and respect. And for you and for all of us, my holiday wish is that we can build a society where people can be loved just as they are.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2019/12/4/husband-not-supportive-of-your-new