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Hubby undermines plans, wife goes ALL CAPS
Dear Amy: My husband has a habit of getting involved in family or social events, and at the last minute, making changes to the plans.
Prior to the "last minute," he has NO involvement.
What he actually does is just mess everything up a day or two beforehand.
This Father's Day was my last straw.
Our GROWN children had planned a cookout at one son's house. The kids had coordinated it and assigned various dishes for each to bring.
Friday evening, my husband asked what time Father's Day dinner was on Sunday, I said, "I didn't know." So he started saying, "I want Father's Day here! This is my holiday and my house, and I want it here."
Amy, my father passed away last month. My husband said, "So are we never having Father's Day for the rest of our lives because your Dad died?"
I was shocked and angry.
I replied, "I am not having it this year, and I NEVER PLAN ON HAVING IT, as you have FOUR ADULT CHILDREN, and I do every birthday and holiday. They can do Father's Day!"
He then said, "I'm not comfortable anywhere but my own house," which I know is UNTRUE.
What's wrong with him?
-- No Father's Day
Dear No Father's Day: I don't know what's wrong with him, but let's try to figure out where you went off the rails:
Your kids had planned a dinner for their father at your son's house.
Your husband attempted to derail it by changing the venue. You could have said, "Honey, call your son. This isn't my holiday to arrange. It's called 'Father's Day,' not 'Husband's Day.'"
I am sincerely sorry you two had this dust-up so soon after your father's death. These days are emotionally loaded, and your husband was not compassionate or supportive. He was outright unkind to you.
I hope you can create some healthy boundaries so that his behavior doesn't affect you so much. Try calmly saying (no ALL CAPS), "The plans have been made. If you want things to be different, you'll have to step up, take some responsibility, and plan them on your own."
Prior to the "last minute," he has NO involvement.
What he actually does is just mess everything up a day or two beforehand.
This Father's Day was my last straw.
Our GROWN children had planned a cookout at one son's house. The kids had coordinated it and assigned various dishes for each to bring.
Friday evening, my husband asked what time Father's Day dinner was on Sunday, I said, "I didn't know." So he started saying, "I want Father's Day here! This is my holiday and my house, and I want it here."
Amy, my father passed away last month. My husband said, "So are we never having Father's Day for the rest of our lives because your Dad died?"
I was shocked and angry.
I replied, "I am not having it this year, and I NEVER PLAN ON HAVING IT, as you have FOUR ADULT CHILDREN, and I do every birthday and holiday. They can do Father's Day!"
He then said, "I'm not comfortable anywhere but my own house," which I know is UNTRUE.
What's wrong with him?
-- No Father's Day
Dear No Father's Day: I don't know what's wrong with him, but let's try to figure out where you went off the rails:
Your kids had planned a dinner for their father at your son's house.
Your husband attempted to derail it by changing the venue. You could have said, "Honey, call your son. This isn't my holiday to arrange. It's called 'Father's Day,' not 'Husband's Day.'"
I am sincerely sorry you two had this dust-up so soon after your father's death. These days are emotionally loaded, and your husband was not compassionate or supportive. He was outright unkind to you.
I hope you can create some healthy boundaries so that his behavior doesn't affect you so much. Try calmly saying (no ALL CAPS), "The plans have been made. If you want things to be different, you'll have to step up, take some responsibility, and plan them on your own."
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"What's wrong with him?"
Well, if he's done this all their lives and she's only just sought help about it, maybe she's done a mental re-evaluation because of her father's death and is now realising what an asshole she's lived with all her marriage.
If this behaviour was a sudden change, then my diagnosis would be: get him checked out by a doctor, ASAP. But she said he's always done this so...my guess is that she's seeing him with new eyes and doesn't like the thing at the other end of the ring. *shrug*
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Whoops, there I go with the allcaps, no doubt Amy will be judging me and my rail-handling.
LW explicitly says that her spouse has always been a pain in the ass about family things, expecting everything to be reorganised around him at the last minute, only this time he did it while treading on her grief for her father.
However, the actual advice at the end is not wrong: from now on say "the plans have been made, you want things to be different, you do the work". I'd add that husband probably won't like hearing it if he's got away with this for the last however-many years, and I'd be prepared for some extinction-burst extra-asshole behaviour the first few times but long-term it'll probably make his wife and children's lives a lot easier if they can set and hold this boundary.
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Also, wow, has Amy always been this bad? Reading this advice is like correcting math homework where someone went wildly off course in their equations and accidentally got the right answer.
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