Two letters, one column

[conuly]

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1. DEAR ABBY: I received a Facebook message from my first cousin. In it, she apologized for not communicating for the past 10 months. It ended with, "Send me your address so I can send you a birth announcement." Abby, I wasn't even aware that she had been pregnant.

I contacted her father, who said the child was born two months ago. This cousin is not a teen or unwed. She's a professional and married. I am puzzled, not only because I wasn't told, but mainly because her message did not announce the birth, other than referencing that an announcement would be mailed.

Frankly, I'm confused and not interested in feigning sudden interest in a situation I was excluded from knowing about. I can't help but assume the purpose of the mailed announcement is a gift grab, coming months after the child's arrival. Your thoughts? -- LEFT IN THE DARK

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2. DEAR ABBY: My youngest son, age 27, has been clean and sober for two years, having survived the horrible addiction of fentanyl. I helped nurse him back to health. It wasn't easy, but he is alive today. However, with this sobriety, a new person is emerging who is critical of and condescending to his siblings and to me. He finds flaws in all of us that "disgust him," and therefore, he has chosen to no longer engage with us.

He claims he is telling "his truth" and only "right or wrong" exists for him anymore. He has no problem with hurting our feelings as that is "our problem" and he "won't cater to society's norms anymore." I come to him from a place of love and acceptance, and I tell him this all the time. He tells me I'm delusional and living a lie.

I don't know what to do or say anymore. He's willing to walk away from our family if we can't come to a place of "mutual understanding," which is HIS way. I'm about ready to walk away from him because I'm tired of his tirades and his putting everyone down. What should I do? -- DISILLUSIONED MOM IN MINNESOTA

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Care and Feeding: On Returning to the U.S.

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

We have a transgender kid (12) who is receiving puberty blockers. The new administration is going to try to coerce the only provider in our home state to shut down their pediatric gender-affirming care clinic. We are currently abroad for what was supposed to be a year, and while they have adapted pretty well, what our kid wants more than anything is to go home to their friends. But we have the possibility to stay here, and our sense is that being in a country that treats trans rights as human rights is a better long-term choice for our kid than trying to stick it out at home if we can’t get care. We know we are really lucky to have this option, but this is way beyond the other hard conversations we’ve figured out how to have with our child. If you had to break this news to a homesick kid, how would you do it?

—You Can’t Go Home Again

Dear You Can’t Go Home,

I’m really sorry that you and your family have to factor this into the decision of where to live. If I were in your place, I think I’d want to start by having some honest conversations with your kid about what’s going on at home, without focusing on the question of whether or not you’ll go back. You’ll face that choice soon enough, but your child might benefit from some time to hear and process what’s happening—and express whatever it is they’re feeling—before you all turn your attention to such a huge decision.

As for what to tell them, I think you can be honest and tell them that this administration is trying to make trans people’s lives harder in many ways, including by threatening the healthcare they need. (It’s unclear how far they’ll get, but we know they will keep trying, because, like transphobic losers everywhere, this is an obsession for them.) There are still many people here on your kid’s side, who support trans rights—just like there are people who love and care about all of you at home. You can remind your child of how loved and supported they are and will be, no matter where you live. It’s natural to be angry or alarmed or scared when your rights and identity are under attack, but nothing any bigot says can change the fact that they are who they are, and they are good. I really appreciated this essay by Raquel Willis in Teen Vogue—it may also give you some ideas of how your family can think and talk about what’s happening.

As parents, we never want our kids to be sad or afraid, but we can’t always prevent it. What we can do is let them know that they don’t have to feel this way alone—we’re going to be with them. Your child may still be homesick and want to move back after hearing how bad things are here. It’s ok for them to feel that way, to want to go home. Make sure they know that you’re focused on trying to do what’s best for them, and that they’re always allowed to express what they’re thinking. Ultimately, the question of where your family lives is a parental decision, but you can assure them that you’ll take their wishes into account, as well as their safety and wellbeing.