Here is the stuff that is extremely sketchy in this letter:
- a man who's ~50 sleeping with a woman who's ~20, which by itself could be okay, but they are also... - a college professor sleeping with a student at his college - a college professor posting pornographic pictures of a student at his college (which could follow her around the internet for the rest of her life—particularly concerning if her face is visible) - an apparent amateur or extremely careless BDSM practitioner significantly harming their partner, multiple times - an employer sleeping with a domestic employee - an employer doing risky, harmful BDSM with a domestic employee (I can't believe I'm even typing that, it is so far beyond the bounds of what is okay) - a young child being in the care of people who are extremely careless about boundaries in unequal-power relationships - and also we don't actually KNOW that his wife is okay with this, unless the LW's friend has gotten confirmation from the wife directly (it's amazing how many cheaters claim to be in open relationships and aren't)
That is sketchier than an early Picasso.
So there are two questions:
- How to save the LW's friend. Answer: the LW probably can't until she's ready to save herself. It's really hard to get people out of abusive relationships they want to be in. The LW should do their best to walk the line of concerned-but-supportive: "I'm worried about how messy the boundaries are here. I hope you will look for other employment and/or put your relationship on hold until you're no longer a student at the college where he works (surely a soulmate is worth waiting a few years for?). I encourage you to make sure any photos he takes or posts of you don't show your face or identifying tattoos. I encourage you and him to research safer ways of doing kink. And I want you to know that if you ever do decide this relationship isn't working for you, I will support you and help you and never ever say I told you so."
- How to limit the harm Professor Sketchy McSleaze can do to the LW's friend and to other students. In that regard, telling the university administration that a professor is putting pornographic photos of students on a public website, and emphasizing how bad it would be if any other students ever saw and began circulating those photos, is probably the best route. Even if it's not in contravention of fraternization policies, his contract may have a broader "moral behavior" clause. I'm not fond of those in general, but if it's sufficient for the university to tell him to take the site down or lose his job, that would be a good thing. But the report MUST be anonymous, or he might retaliate against the LW's friend.
And obviously, if there is any reason to think the child is being directly harmed, call child protective services immediately. I really hesitate to suggest this in a situation where consenting adults are doing consensual adult things, because CPS can be disproportionately wielded against members of sexual minorities, especially kinky and polyamorous people. But the professor has shown that he has no problem harming and exploiting a person who's extremely vulnerable to him on the axes of gender, age, employment, and education, and that does not fill me with confidence about him being a safe parent for his child. (And ditto his wife, if she really is abetting his harmful relationship with the LW's friend and isn't oblivious or another victim.)
no subject
Here is the stuff that is extremely sketchy in this letter:
- a man who's ~50 sleeping with a woman who's ~20, which by itself could be okay, but they are also...
- a college professor sleeping with a student at his college
- a college professor posting pornographic pictures of a student at his college (which could follow her around the internet for the rest of her life—particularly concerning if her face is visible)
- an apparent amateur or extremely careless BDSM practitioner significantly harming their partner, multiple times
- an employer sleeping with a domestic employee
- an employer doing risky, harmful BDSM with a domestic employee (I can't believe I'm even typing that, it is so far beyond the bounds of what is okay)
- a young child being in the care of people who are extremely careless about boundaries in unequal-power relationships
- and also we don't actually KNOW that his wife is okay with this, unless the LW's friend has gotten confirmation from the wife directly (it's amazing how many cheaters claim to be in open relationships and aren't)
That is sketchier than an early Picasso.
So there are two questions:
- How to save the LW's friend. Answer: the LW probably can't until she's ready to save herself. It's really hard to get people out of abusive relationships they want to be in. The LW should do their best to walk the line of concerned-but-supportive: "I'm worried about how messy the boundaries are here. I hope you will look for other employment and/or put your relationship on hold until you're no longer a student at the college where he works (surely a soulmate is worth waiting a few years for?). I encourage you to make sure any photos he takes or posts of you don't show your face or identifying tattoos. I encourage you and him to research safer ways of doing kink. And I want you to know that if you ever do decide this relationship isn't working for you, I will support you and help you and never ever say I told you so."
- How to limit the harm Professor Sketchy McSleaze can do to the LW's friend and to other students. In that regard, telling the university administration that a professor is putting pornographic photos of students on a public website, and emphasizing how bad it would be if any other students ever saw and began circulating those photos, is probably the best route. Even if it's not in contravention of fraternization policies, his contract may have a broader "moral behavior" clause. I'm not fond of those in general, but if it's sufficient for the university to tell him to take the site down or lose his job, that would be a good thing. But the report MUST be anonymous, or he might retaliate against the LW's friend.
And obviously, if there is any reason to think the child is being directly harmed, call child protective services immediately. I really hesitate to suggest this in a situation where consenting adults are doing consensual adult things, because CPS can be disproportionately wielded against members of sexual minorities, especially kinky and polyamorous people. But the professor has shown that he has no problem harming and exploiting a person who's extremely vulnerable to him on the axes of gender, age, employment, and education, and that does not fill me with confidence about him being a safe parent for his child. (And ditto his wife, if she really is abetting his harmful relationship with the LW's friend and isn't oblivious or another victim.)