Carolyn Hax: My girlfriend gets along with her family. Red flag, right?

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend, "Margo," and I have been dating for four months now. She's wonderful and we have a great time together, but I'm a little concerned that I may be falling for a bona fide "Daddy's girl." Margo lives with and works at the same company as her father. He even drives her into work a couple of days a week.

She says it's convenient, as he has the space (it is a very large and luxurious townhouse) and has a cleaning service, lawn service, etc. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around a nearly 30-year-old professional woman living "at home," especially one who makes as much money as Margo does.

Her father is single and they both date, so it seems even more awkward to me — I've met him over the breakfast table several times — but he's nice to me and doesn't seem fazed at Margo having overnight guests.

Maybe they're trying to make up for lost time, as Margo's parents divorced when she was 3, he worked abroad most of his career, and he didn't move back to the States until after her mother died 8 years ago.

I still find this situation odd and wonder whether this is a red flag. My sister even pointed out to me that if it were a 30-year-old, well-off man living with his mother who did everything for him, then everyone would tell his girlfriend to run.

Am I right to be concerned about this, or am I worrying for nothing?

— Falling for a Daddy's Girl

What you learn about her from dating her will tell you more than I ever could from here.

So, good news for the short-attention-span set, you can quit reading now because that’s where this is going.

There is an interesting possibility in here, though, that’s worth thinking about if you really like Margo so far:

She could be willing and able to live this way because she’s not stunted or enmeshed with her dad.

Maybe she could easily afford and maintain a nice home of her own.

Maybe she could get paid well to do a different, satisfying job somewhere else.

Maybe she would maintain a nice, healthy, close-but-not-intrusive relationship with her father from a few blocks or cities or time zones away.

Maybe the only reason she doesn’t do these things is that she’s healthy enough not to have to. Maybe, for her, there are no emotional deterrents or costs to her accepting the job she likes near the dad she gets along with in the home where she doesn’t have to do chores just to prove to you and your sister she can.

As for the gender-flip, your sister does have a point that a male Margo would be judged harshly. But is the best answer to stereotypes really to saddle both sexes with the same snap judgments based on surface facts and group associations?

Or is it to reserve judgment long enough to give people the chance to show you who they really are? Since they inevitably do. For your sake, not just Margo’s, I recommend you choose Door No. 2. See what’s there, not what you think you should see.

Comments

[xenacryst]

I'll just point out that the gender flip circumstance is judged differently, not only because of stereotypes, but also because of the cultural atmosphere surrounding the scenario. They're working against different systems and overcoming (or not) different cultural expectations. Everything Carolyn says about the woman could be true of a man, as well, but the culture we have (which informs the stereotypes, but is not the same thing) makes that a much less likely scenario, presenting different challenges and easy paths for the man that it would for the woman.

[minoanmiss]

I like this advice. At least from what's in the letter, I don't see anything actually *wrong* except in the LW's discomfort with the difference between their girlfriend's actual life and what they think her life "should" be. And, well, I think many societal "shoulds" are arbitrary standards which encourage people to mangle themselves trying to stretch and prune themselves to fit.

[cereta]

I'm sensitive to this topic, because Spouse lived with his parents for most of his 20s. He enjoyed their company, they liked having him there, and it just really didn't make sense for him to spend $500 a month on some crappy studio with a bad laundry facility. It's made me really aware of how we use "still lives at home" as code for "loser," especially for men. The notion that moving out of your parents' home is a requirement of adulthood is both culturally specific and relatively recent. My grandfather (born in 1898) never moved out of the family home. He brought his wife to live there, they raised their daughter there, and until my grandmother died in 1999, it never left the family. I loved that house, and it breaks my heart that I'll never set foot in it again.

But I digress. Point is, instead of asking why your girlfriend hasn't moved out, maybe take a look at the several compelling reasons she has to stay there.

[shirou]

I also like Carolyn's advice. I usually do.

I understand why the LW is asking the question. He doesn't say it directly, but I'm sure he ultimately wants to know that if the relationship progresses, Margo won't be so emotionally and materially dependent on her father that it will stop her from building a life with the LW. That's a legitimate question, not just an application of arbitrary social norms.

But it still just brings me back to Carolyn's advice. Look for the truth of the situation instead of making assumptions.

[colorwheel]

the notion that moving out of your parents' home is a requirement of adulthood is also classist and ableist.

[melannen]

I think it's also the case that a man living in this situation with only his father would not be judged as harshly as someone (of either sex) living with their mother as an adult - "Living with mom" has very different cultural nuances than "living with dad" (even if it's effectively the same), because of the meanings we put on motherhood.

I say this as someone who still lives with Mom. :D

[dragoness_e]

I'm wondering if this "concern" on the boyfriend's part should be a red flag for her. After all, if I had a boyfriend who started hinting or wondering that maybe I shouldn't be so close to my father, I'd wonder why he wanted to cut me off from my other sources of support.

[xenacryst]

Very true! I had automatically gender flipped both child and parent, even though that wasn’t clear from the original.

[conuly]

But I digress. Point is, instead of asking why your girlfriend hasn't moved out, maybe take a look at the several compelling reasons she has to stay there.

She likes her dad, it's a big house, and she doesn't have to clean it. But for this, her boyfriend is writing letters to advice columns.