Dear Prudence: Aunties

[cereta]

Q. Auntie Moniker: My brother and sister-in-law have an 18-month-old son who is absolutely adorable. My SIL and I have a decent relationship; we are friendly, but not particularly close. When my nephew was born, my SIL's group of close-knit friends referred to themselves as "aunties" to him. I assumed this would pass, but now that my nephew can speak and identify people, he refers to them as "Auntie First Name." This bothers me because I'm afraid my nephew will not be able to distinguish between family and non-family members. My gut reaction tells me to let this go, that the conversation will only cause an unnecessary wedge between me and my SIL. But in practice, I am finding this hard to do. How can I get over this?

A: How wonderful that your sister-in-law has friends who are so close they are like family. A gaggle of loving "aunties" is only going to bring joy to your nephew's life. But if you want to be the real aunt who's been frozen out because she's crazily jealous, then sure, speak up.

Comments

[cereta]

Go, Prudie! I will just say that not only has my small fanperson's local Auntie wa spent more time with her and done more for her than either my (somewhat geographically but very emotionally distant) sister and sister-in-law, but my friend who lives in the same city as my family seems more attached to her as well. Family is what you make it, and there's no way I'm going to deprive my daughter of her "Ti Wa."

[vass]

Well, at least the LW's gut has more sense than the rest of her.

"I'm afraid my nephew will not be able to distinguish between family and non-family members."

This bit of concern trolling interested me, because she didn't say why this was a problem (except as a threat to her status.) It sounds almost like she wanted to add a slippery slope thing where soon the nephew will be calling TOTAL STRANGERS OFF THE STREET Auntie but realised at the last minute that she's being silly.

I hope she never goes to a country where Aunt or Uncle is the polite address for any older person. Oh the horror.

[minoanmiss]

Wow, Prudie got one exactly right!

I'd love to have this lady watch my little roommates call me Auntie. She might faint.

[abbylee]

Except the letter writing isn't asking for advice about whether or not she should speak up, she's asking for advice for how to get over her hurt. Even a sentence in there about how he'll eventually learn to tell what kind of relationship everyone has, and he'll have a million questions about what his dad was like as a kid could be useful. Or to talk about how some cultures call many unrelated women auntie as an honorific.

Maybe it's because I'm coming from a similar but different place. I have a lot of family that are really friends, and don't think that you need to have that kind of formal relationship to be family. But I definitely was surprised last week when I was visiting one of my best friends and she referred to me as her daughter's "auntie abbylee". We've been friends for almost 20 years, it's a completely common term of affection, I know this. But in my family, the only people who get "auntie" in front of their name are my *grandparent's* siblings. My parent's siblings were always just called by their name (or described as "my aunt"). So even though it's been given to me with love, it doesn't yet feel right to me. So I can understand how it would be harder from the other side. I don't sympathize with her if she makes a big deal about it, but I totally respect her for saying "help me get over this".

[torachan]

Haha, seriously. Whole countries where everyone is aunt and uncle and brother and sister, including total strangers off the street. And yet somehow people (even small children!) manage to cope.

[torachan]

But...her "hurt" is totally irrational and she doesn't need to be coddled about how to get over it.

[vass]

LW's nephew, doing horsey dance: "Oppa Gangnam Style!"
LW: "Nooo! Don't call him Oppa! He's not your Oppa!"

[abbylee]

Hurt is often irrational. If all she did was write that she was hurt, then yes, Pru's response could be helpful to learn that she's being irrational. But she's already stated that she knows her feelings aren't what's important here, and while she's still clearly struggling, she didn't ask for help with confronting her SIL, she asked for help with feeling less hurt.

[daedala]

Yeah, I'm with you. She clearly knows better, and was asking for help dealing with it.

I mean, most folks who write in for advice know the issue, they wouldn't be writing if they did; they want help with it. Saying "your emotions are crazy and invalid" is not actually helpful here.

[torachan]

She actually didn't write anywhere that she's hurt. She said she's bothered by it, and then got all concern trolly about it. She never admits she might be wrong, just that it might be better not to act on her feelings. It read to me like her wanting validation, so I'm glad Prudence didn't give her any.

[minoanmiss]

I'm currently writing this while sitting on my bed. Asleep next to me, wrapped in my blanket with his head on my pillow, is a seven-year-old child with no genetic relationship to me who has been calling me "Auntie [Myname]" since he learned to talk because I've been living with his parents since before he was born.

I would be really interested in your explanation of why this is wrong, as I would be in the letter-writer's. I can't claim that I will be swayed by it (as opposed to, say, laughing derisively), but I would certainly find it interesting.

[minoanmiss]

I agree with you. Admittedly, I have a dog in this fight, since I'm called 'Auntie' by children I have no blood relationship to but whom I love as family, but I find it somewhere between entertaining and infuriating that someone could have a problem with such an arrangement.

[abbylee]

I'm sorry that I gave you that impression. I think it's great to have a relationship with someone that makes you "Auntie [Myname]"; that's what I was trying to say with "I have a lot of family that are really friends, and don't think that you need to have that kind of formal relationship to be family." I also don't think that genetics are the most important part of figuring out how someone's related to you; in general and also for personal reasons.

What I was trying to say is that words are powerful and that we all have our own relationships with what those words mean. Despite the fact that I would never blink at someone calling a parent's friend (or some other relationship) their "Auntie [name]", that's not how my family did it, and so I was thrown when someone called me that. I would also be thrown if my sibling's potential kids called me "Auntie abbylee" because that's not how my family did it. I would be their aunt, but they'd call me by name. I wouldn't be "Auntie abbylee" for another generation.

Maybe this one is less fraught? When I was a kid, I had three Babas (my mom's mom and my mom's grandmothers) and two Grandmas (my dad's mom and one of my dad's grandmothers). This wasn't confusing. I also had a Zaida (my mom's dad) and a Grandpa (my dad's dad). And even as an adult, I could differentiate who someone met when they asked me about "your grandfather" but was always thrown if they called my Zaida "your Grandpa" or called my Grandpa "your Zaida". Because those meant something specific to me.

We get attached to words. The writer of this letter needs to know that she's being unfair and needs to grow up. But I also think she's on her way to realizing that, even if she's still unreasonably rationalizing it. And even if not: when someone says "how can I get over this" and the other person mocks them for even being hurt in the first place, I think that's unfair. That's how life is; we all become attuned to things up based on our previous experiences.