Ask a Manager: Complimenting a Coworker's Name

[minoanmiss]

Pretty brief.

#4 Can I tell a female worker that she has a beautiful name when we are introduced or will I get in trouble? I’m a man.

Would you ever tell a male coworker that? I’m guessing no, which is a good litmus test indicating you shouldn’t say it to a female colleague either.

Most women really don’t want male colleagues commenting on their face/hair/smile/name/other things they don’t have any control over; even if your intentions are wholesome, it’s going to feel rooted in relating to them as a woman, rather than as a professional person who’s at work. Interact with us the same way you would interact with male colleagues, please.

Comments

[jadelennox]

good answer, because it provides a rule of thumb.

alas, I have opinions

[minoanmiss]

I'm less interested in the question itself than in its phrasing and philosophy. Leaving aside the Ferengiesque "feeeeeemales", what's with "get in trouble"? With whom will he get in trouble? Which disciplinarian is he envisioning? Why is his question not, "How will it affect the women I work with and the workplace environment..." or "What is the most positive way to compliment my coworkers?"

Re: alas, I have opinions

[jadelennox]

yeah, it's pretty clear that he has consumed the stupidest shit about what the purpose of being decent to your female coworkers is.

Re: alas, I have opinions

[cimorene]

Yeah, this whole letter is skeevy and it's hard to imagine this conversation not being slimy as a result. It is slightly cheering to imagine the Evil HR in his mind telling him it's not politically correct to address women directly at work because white men are inherently bad or whatever.

[cimorene]

As someone with an unusual gender neutral name, and an expat who has therefore talked to a lot of people about their names due to having less familiarity with the the names of my country of residence:

I think it's okay to express interest in a name in a setting that isn't too formal, but (a) beautiful is loaded here (yuck) and (b) you don't know someone yet when you're introduced. If the name is unique or new to you, at that point you can certainly say, "Oh, I've never heard that before- how do you spell it/can you say it again?"

If it's just a bit unusual, asking them about their name is a part of chatting, and you can invite them to talk about it when you're talking about the weather or local teams or whatever. "I haven't met very many people named X before. I like it," or something like that - it's cool, it's interesting, it reminds you of something - is an okay note to strike, IMO. They have the chance to respond openly or noncommittally at that point.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, my own poodle in this race is that my name is unusual for sociopolitical reasons and I rather love it. Plus it's always a reliably unfraught conversation with my otherwise fraught parents to tell them "I got X# of compliments on my name this week." But I leave out the smarmy/flirty ones because those are annoyingly inappropriate.

[cimorene]

Ugh. Why are people like that.😐

[julian]

I mean.

You can certainly tell anyone anything, but there may be consequences of the "oh. this man is skeevy. I will shut down a bit now" variety.

There is no law against it, but you may want to consider professionalism.

[oursin]

I was wincing in particular because Max de Winter's chat-up line to the 2nd Mrs de Winter to be is 'You have a lovely and unusual name' (which the reader of Rebecca never gets to find out). Does not augur well.

[cereta]

Okay, now I feel a little nervous, because I have told students I really liked their names. That is always the phrasing, though: "I really like that/your name." And while I am very much not a dude, there is a power differential. I suppose I should stop.

[lokifan]

Idk, I think it's probably fine? I think "beautiful" from a man to a woman has a different connotation for a lot of people (hence the 'would you say it to a man?' question).

[cereta]

True. The students I've said it to have been pretty equally gender-spread. I have a Darien and a Damien in the same class. I also have a Brenley and a Brynnlee, and an Emberly, which I adore.

[topaz_eyes]

As someone with an unusual and gendered first name, one that most people pronounce incorrectly, I think it's fine saying "I really like your name" to your students.

Some kids end up kind of disliking their name because people keep saying/spelling it wrong. The most important thing imho is that people learn to pronounce and spell all names correctly, no matter their origin.

[cereta]

That I definitely work hard to do.

[minoanmiss]

Nah, you're good. You know my Real First Name (TM). I like when people say it sounds cool, or ask about it cheerfully. I don't like when people say they can't spell it or "what a PRETTY NAME" in that tone of voice. And I am so amused at how the frequency of the last has declined over the last decade -- except on the phone hahahahaha.

[cereta]

It is a very nifty name.

[purlewe]

If a person has an unusual name (I do) you get more than your fair share of comments that it is standard for me to have a response to them. Mine is: thanks, its a portmanteau of my grandmother's names. I wouldn't think much of the adjective or adverb they would use to describe my name unless they followed it with more slime like "thats a beautiful name just like you" there are beautiful names all around us. Its the context I think. I can only say that I receive comments EVERY TIME I am introduced. And what is more worrying to me is people who immediately change my name instead of asking me of I have a preference of shorter nicknames. As if by hearing my name once they think. NOPE. Gonna use a different option.

[topaz_eyes]

Dear LW, the professional (and respectful) things to do about co-workers' names is make sure you:

a) address all co-workers by their preferred name; and

b) pronounce and spell all co-worker's preferred names correctly.

Do that and everyone will feel more comfortable around you.

[jerusha]

I've been told by both men and women that I have a "beautiful name." (It's a fairly unusual/obscure Old Testament name.) I'm not sure it's ever bothered me, although I could see a circumstance where it might come off as skeevy.

[minoanmiss]

And better yet you share your name with the protagonist of the epistolary novel type specimen!

[jerusha]

Indeed! I do love my name, which might be why I don't mind the comments. I mind more the folks who don't even try to get it right. (It's phonetic! It's not hard!)

[azurelunatic]

Okay bro, but how would you feel about telling her that it's a cool name, a nice name, an interesting name (with a positive tone of voice) or any of the other phrasings of appreciation that you might convey to a man?

[likeaduck]

Also it's not clear from the question that this is a coworker rather than a customer-worker relationship and even more no if you are a customer.